Tag Archives: UCLA

What’s New With Science: Farts Are Here To Save Your Life

As one of the internet’s leading resources on scientific matters, it is my occasional duty to update you on what the scientific community is up to. And by “what the scientific community is up to,” I mean haphazardly written articles that through either ignorance or malice misinterpret the findings of studies to create the most sensationalist headline possible.

BEST FRIENDS ARE GENETICALLY BASICALLY FOURTH COUSINS

#BestFriends4Ever

#BestFriends4Ever

According to a new study from Yale University and the University of California at San Diego, good friends are often genetically similar, and can share as much as 1% of the same gene variants. In genetic terms, that’s a lot. As close as, say, fourth cousins.

This of course raises the question of “so, like can I have sex with my friend without having a weird genetically-deficient baby?” No, that’s not the question this raises? Okay, I’ll move on. Just keep in mind you and your bestie are watching Clueless for the fifteenth time and saying all the lines together that it was genetically predestined and free will is an illusion.

PEOPLE WOULD RATHER HAVE A HEART ATTACK THAN TAKE A DIFFERENT-LOOKING PILL

For the new study, published in the Annals of Internal Medicine, Kesselheim and his colleagues analyzed data on more than 11,000 people who were prescribed common medications including beta blockers, statins and ACE inhibitors after a heart attack.

Over the following year, almost a third had a change in pill color or shape. Those patients were between 30 and 70 percent more likely to stop taking their medication than patients whose pills stayed the same.

First of all, nobody has ever said the word “annals” without immediately following with “of history” so I’m skeptical of this thing off the bat. Second of all, “between 30 and 70%” is quite the window there. Third of all, while I’m kinda with the skeptical people who are good with their heart exploding, isn’t being wary of this sort of change normal? I’m just saying! Maybe the pharmacist filled out the prescription wrong. This guy got blinded! In any case, what should we do in this sort of situation, doctor guy?
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Apology Tour: Emmy Week Edition (Emmy’s Will Not Be Discussed)

In the nonstop circus that is today’s gotcha media Twittersphere blogoverse Tumblrtown, public figures are held accountable for their actions more often than ever. For that reason, I present Apology Tour, where we take the week in apologies and grade them using a proprietary formula based on several criteria such as severity of incident, sincerity, necessity of apology and other stuff that I’m forgetting right now. Without further ado…

Esquire Magazine for accidentally putting the headline “Making Your Morning Commute More Stylish” next to the famous picture of a man falling out of the World Trade Center on September 11

911fail

Listen, people at Esquire. I know that your ideal man is one who sits in an overstuffed leather chair smoking a cigar and subjugating women, but, come on, you can’t just smugly brush off a 9/11 snafu. That’s the worst kind of snafu left. Just a simple “we’ve made a mistake” would’ve sufficed. And don’t do it on Twitter. A note from the editor on the website would’ve been better.

Grade: F–

Nebraska Football Coach Bo Pelini after being caught on tape saying “Fuck our fans.”

Remember how when you were in school you always wondered if your teachers were making fun of you whenever they went into the Teachers’ Lounge? Well, this is the football version of that, confirming all your suspicions that the coach at your local school doesn’t view you, the fans of the team as “vital support” so much as “a drunken nuisance.” And so, befitting this debacle, Pelini has apologized.

This past week has obviously been a difficult one for many people associated with the University of Nebraska and our football program. I wanted to take this opportunity to say I regret the comments that I made in private two years ago, and apologize to Husker fans everywhere.

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