Tag Archives: Sarah Palin

Bold Predictions for 2015

OH GOD LOOK AT THE ADORABLE SLEEPING KOALA

As 2015 fast approaches is here, what better time is there than now to set down some predictions? I guess maybe a couple weeks ago. :/

  • After yet another bill of his doesn’t pass, Barack Obama will wait out the rest of his term out in Hawaii and hope nobody notices. For six weeks or so, nobody does.
  • Norway and Finland will go to war; Sweden will feel super awkward about it.
  • There will be roughly one major parade every two months.
  • The horribly destructive Hurricane Kyler will remind everyone that kids these days have names like “Kyler.”
  • I will pretend to have read thoughtful essays on the 50th anniversary of: The Great Society, Vietnam, Vietnam and the Great Society, Winston Churchill’s death, Malcolm X’s death, how the deaths of Malcolm X and Winston Churchill are related, the march on Selma, In Cold Blood, Dylan going electric, and the Voting Rights Act.
  • I will actually read about the 50th anniversary of: the US occupation of the Dominican Republic (that happened?), Muhammad Ali beating Sonny Liston, and the Watts riots.
  • The top grossing movie will be How to Lose a Guy in 11 Days, marking Matthew McConaughey’s triumphant return to the “terrible rom-com” genre.
  • A coach will give a speech so powerful at halftime of a game that his team will go on to win  the game. Not the game their playing against their opponent–they’ll lose that in heartbreaking, but inspiring fashion as their last play comes up just short. No, no, they’ll go on to win the game OF LIFE.
  • A new iPhone will come out that will be a slightly different size. Perhaps more importantly, Siri will learn what you humans call love. Also, maybe it’ll be able to like, load stuff more quickly. That’d be neat.
  • North Korea will launch a massive cyber-attack against Arby’s’s servers (what’s the possessive of a possessive?) for stealing their Decaying Cow Brains recipe.
  • There will be a major news story involving a koala kidnapping. I’m not sure if the koala is being kidnapped or doing the kidnapping, but either way, it’ll be adorable.
  • Climate change will be revealed to have been the result of a wacky roommate accidentally messing up his scientist buddy’s data.
  • Sarah Palin won’t return, which’ll be nice.
  • There will be a weight loss craze that avoids dogmatic rules, but is instead centered around eating a reasonably diverse diet consisting primarily of fruits and vegetables, with portions of meat to gain protein. It’ll pass quickly in favor of The Diabsleepies Diet, in which you intentionally disable your pancreas in the belief that it gives off anti-nutritious toxins by snorting a line of Pixy Stix before bed.

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Political Wisdom: How to Avoid Getting Embarrassed by Bobby McFerrin

Say you’re running for office. You want to latch on to an inspirational song. Something peppy and uptempo, with a message of optimism. Here’s what you do: you call up the band that made that song and ask politely if you can use it in your campaign. Why? Because that way you can avoid having them angrily request that you stop using their song, at which point you kinda have to switch to a new song anyway. Just this week Maroon 5’s Adam Levine has angrily requested Fox News stop using his song, calling the channel “evil” and across the pond Conservative pol Teresa May has found her usage of a Dandy Warhols song met with a threat to politely cease doing so “tear their fuggin heads off.”

The point being, this is all very avoidable! And yet, historically, this has happened over and over, and over again. Especially to Republicans because, let’s face it, most musicians aren’t quite so into the GOP. A brief history.

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Obvious Facts Remain True

Oftentimes the internet can be all about being counter-intuitive. Slate has built an entire website around it. That’s not what I want to do here. For your benefit, I have rounded up the most obvious news stories available and put them in front of you, hopefully restoring order to what can often be a cruel and uncaring world.

What’ve you got for me, AP?

The nation’s worst hospitals treat twice the proportion of elderly black patients and poor patients than the best hospitals, and their patients are more likely to die of heart attacks and pneumonia, new research shows.

Thanks, guys! Somehow this is much more shocking than the inverse statement: rich people can afford the best hospitals and are less likely to die.

Texting while driving is dangerous!

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Sarah Palin To Continue Not Being President

Today in Chicago, we had one of those gorgeous, crisp autumn days. I had just dropped off my daughters at their after school math class, laced up my running shoes for a jog in one of our favorite parks, when my cell phone buzzed It was a text from a friend: “Palin not running.”

I thought it was a joke. I texted back. “Where did you hear that?”

Silence.

Jasmine Velasco, Conservatives 4 Palin.

And the rest of us know it now too. Sarah Palin is not running for president.

Does this mean that consecutive elections were decided/influenced by Sinbad and Glen Rice? Yes! Well, I mean, except that Sarah Palin never had any chance of winning ever. And now we have to finally stop pretending like maybe she was going to be our President. I mean, I know that some insane people left their jobs to go campaign for her and everything, but…no chance. This all goes to my theory (I’m a political scientist by training) that stupid people can’t win party nominations. It’s pretty robust.

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Glen Rice and Sarah Palin Had an Affair in 1987 at the Great Alaskan Shootout (Allegedly)

UPDATE: Hello, Deadspin readers! Take a look around at my website. There’s lots of good stuff, including the Miami Heat at Fashion Week, astronauts, and the upcoming TV season. Feel free to subscribe to the email if you aren’t getting enough Internet at the moment.

According to the National Enquirer, Joe McGinniss’ forthcoming Sarah Palin book includes the claim that Sarah Palin had an affair with former Michigan and NBA basketball star Glen Rice in 1987, while he was visiting for a basketball tournament.

Let it sink in.

How can I add value to this already incredible story? Here’s video of her working as sportscaster, talking about Glen Rice’s Michigan Wolverines, from that same 1987-1988 season. Relevant portion starts at 0:40.

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