Tag Archives: Nebraska

The Proposals Barack Obama (Foolishly) Didn’t Make In The State of the Union

Fresh off having the first great “Tell Me How My Ass Taste” moment of his presidency, President Barack Obama has to be feeling pretty good. Also, he proposed a whole bunch of things like shutting down Gitmo, raising the minimum wage and so on. While very few if any of these things are likely to happen (because nothing ever happens), that’s all the more reason for President Obama to have used his penultimate State of the Union to lay out an ambitious agenda. (The following is to be read in Barack Obama voice for full effect. Make sure to include the pauses and applause breaks!)

It's kinda cool that we made this guy President, right?

It’s kinda cool that we made this guy President, right?

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Apology Tour: Emmy Week Edition (Emmy’s Will Not Be Discussed)

In the nonstop circus that is today’s gotcha media Twittersphere blogoverse Tumblrtown, public figures are held accountable for their actions more often than ever. For that reason, I present Apology Tour, where we take the week in apologies and grade them using a proprietary formula based on several criteria such as severity of incident, sincerity, necessity of apology and other stuff that I’m forgetting right now. Without further ado…

Esquire Magazine for accidentally putting the headline “Making Your Morning Commute More Stylish” next to the famous picture of a man falling out of the World Trade Center on September 11

911fail

Listen, people at Esquire. I know that your ideal man is one who sits in an overstuffed leather chair smoking a cigar and subjugating women, but, come on, you can’t just smugly brush off a 9/11 snafu. That’s the worst kind of snafu left. Just a simple “we’ve made a mistake” would’ve sufficed. And don’t do it on Twitter. A note from the editor on the website would’ve been better.

Grade: F–

Nebraska Football Coach Bo Pelini after being caught on tape saying “Fuck our fans.”

Remember how when you were in school you always wondered if your teachers were making fun of you whenever they went into the Teachers’ Lounge? Well, this is the football version of that, confirming all your suspicions that the coach at your local school doesn’t view you, the fans of the team as “vital support” so much as “a drunken nuisance.” And so, befitting this debacle, Pelini has apologized.

This past week has obviously been a difficult one for many people associated with the University of Nebraska and our football program. I wanted to take this opportunity to say I regret the comments that I made in private two years ago, and apologize to Husker fans everywhere.

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Horse Slaughterhouses to Return to America after Five Year Hiatus

Everyone who was worried about Barack Obama coming for their guns and what have you officially needs to stop. Because I’m pretty sure he just showed that he LOVES killing stuff. What kind of stuff? Why horses, of course! Why horses? Of course, because they’re delicious!

A Department of Agriculture bill, signed into law Nov. 18, reinstates federal funding for USDA inspection of horse meat intended for human consumption, which Congress had withheld since 2006. That de facto ban on horse slaughter has now come to an end, to the outrage of the animal rights community, amid reports that US horse owners were simply shipping their animals to Mexico and Canada for slaughter and processing.

That’s right people! America is officially back in the horse meat game. Now, if you’re wondering what horse meat tastes like, I have it on good authority from my Tongans that it’s a pretty tough meat–which makes sense. They’re very muscular animals and all.

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