Tag Archives: Fox News

Everything You Need To Know About the 2014 World Cup

In which, for no good reason, I disparage a bunch of countries that probably have lots of nice people in them.

You guys, it’s World Cup season, which means it’s time to laugh at the rest of the world for caring so much about this event. Unlike the Olympics, which are our biennial (not biannual. That’s different.) chance to stick it to China and/or the USSR, America could not give a shit about this event. Like, it’s fun when we win, but then you have to celebrate with the kind of Americans who follow soccer, or as it’s known here in America, soccer. Because this is inevitable, let’s get all the soccer fan insults out of the way. They wear stupid scarves, inexplicably use “side” to mean “team,” “pitch” to mean “field,” “pace” to mean “speed,” “kilometer” to mean “0.621371” miles and annoyingly pluralize team names, as in “On a kilometer by kilometer basis, Brazil have the most pace on the pitch of any side.” Speak normally!

But back to the soccer. There are a lot of countries to keep track of in this tournament, so here’s a handy guide to the teams of the 2014 World Cup.

Group A

Brazil

For a country with such a rich musical tradition, somehow this is still the song I was most quickly able to associate with Brazil.

Win or lose, Brazil’s hilariously corrupt World Cup will go down in history as being hilariously corrupt, that is, unless an interesting soccer thing happens, in which case everyone will forget the billions of dollars used to construct useless stadiums across the country, including one in the middle of the Amazon that is only reachable by plane. Even if Manaus has two million people, it shouldn’t feel like you need Indiana Jones or that adventurer dude from Jumanji to get to a soccer stadium.  On the soccer side of thing, they’ve looked underwhelming so far, struggling to finish on their scoring chances and generally looking tight in front of their home crowds. (That might be the only bit of actual soccer analysis I have to give).

Mexico

Did you guys know that Mexico hates America’s soccer team? It’s true! In any case, Mexico wouldn’t even be in this tournament if it weren’t for America scoring late against Panama in qualification, so you’re welcome, Mexico. I’m sure whenever the Americans make it back to Mexico, they’ll be given their traditional welcome of a golden shower.

Croatia

Cameroon v Croatia: Group A - 2014 FIFA World Cup Brazil

On the plus side, their uniforms double as picnic blankets when they’re not using them (the checkerboard element is taken from the Croat Coat of Arms, which is quite the tongue twister). On the downside, I’m pretty sure that every player on their team’s last name ends with ivicisevicicicic, which can be confusing.

Cameroon

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Fox News Writes The Most Pointless Article Ever Written

Hatee-hatee-hatee-ho, indeed.

We’ve all heard about the Obamacare delays by now. But Fox News has continued their important research and found the most insidious Obamacare scandal of all: a frightening lack of celebrity YouTube videos in support of it.

In the heady days after the October 1 launch of the Affordable Care Act — better known as ObamaCare — Lady Gaga, Amy Poehler, Nina Dobrev, Rosario Dawson, Sarah Silverman, Olivia Wilde, Alicia Keys, Jennifer Hudson, Pearl Jam, Lance Bass, John Legend, Alyssa Milano and Kerry Washington joined the President to encourage Americans to #getcovered.

Ah yes, the heady days of three weeks ago. Let’s open the time capsule of earlier this month, shall we? Miley Cyrus (remember her?!) had the number one song in the country and something called Gravity was the number one movie in theaters–today it’s only shown in obscure art house theatres where people can recreate their childhood memories in dank, empty rooms.

Since then, technical glitches and website snafus have so marred the ObamaCare website that the team who built it has been called to testify before Congress on Thursday. But there will be no celebrities flanking them on Capitol Hill, as the stars that helped launch the initiative are now being advised to walk away.

Had Obamacare’s launch gone smoothly, there’s no reason to think that Lance Bass wouldn’t have been called to testify before Congress as a public health expert. Instead, glitches, and not a peep from NSYNC, MD.
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I Like Tim Tebow. So Does Everyone Else. Can We Move on Yet?

What if Tebow Were One Of Us?

Breaking news, guys, apparently people in Florida really like Tim Tebow. He registers an approval rating of 59%, higher than any political figure. This is unsurprising. He plays football, and as far as Florida cares, he’s done playing football and he was a part of two national championships. Beyond that, he kinda redefines the term Nice Young Man.

I mean, yes, he’s super Christian. And yes, he was in that sorta anti-abortion ad in the Super Bowl. But, you know, lots of people have those opinions, so good for him that he’s willing to stand by them and accept that he will be judged publicly by the rather unforgiving standards that come with it.

As such, even among those who identify as “very liberal,” Tebow’s approval rating is 30%, and his disapproval rating is… also 30%. No group actively dislikes the dude.

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Political Wisdom: How to Avoid Getting Embarrassed by Bobby McFerrin

Say you’re running for office. You want to latch on to an inspirational song. Something peppy and uptempo, with a message of optimism. Here’s what you do: you call up the band that made that song and ask politely if you can use it in your campaign. Why? Because that way you can avoid having them angrily request that you stop using their song, at which point you kinda have to switch to a new song anyway. Just this week Maroon 5’s Adam Levine has angrily requested Fox News stop using his song, calling the channel “evil” and across the pond Conservative pol Teresa May has found her usage of a Dandy Warhols song met with a threat to politely cease doing so “tear their fuggin heads off.”

The point being, this is all very avoidable! And yet, historically, this has happened over and over, and over again. Especially to Republicans because, let’s face it, most musicians aren’t quite so into the GOP. A brief history.

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