Tag Archives: Bono

What’s New With Science: Farts Are Here To Save Your Life

As one of the internet’s leading resources on scientific matters, it is my occasional duty to update you on what the scientific community is up to. And by “what the scientific community is up to,” I mean haphazardly written articles that through either ignorance or malice misinterpret the findings of studies to create the most sensationalist headline possible.

BEST FRIENDS ARE GENETICALLY BASICALLY FOURTH COUSINS

#BestFriends4Ever

#BestFriends4Ever

According to a new study from Yale University and the University of California at San Diego, good friends are often genetically similar, and can share as much as 1% of the same gene variants. In genetic terms, that’s a lot. As close as, say, fourth cousins.

This of course raises the question of “so, like can I have sex with my friend without having a weird genetically-deficient baby?” No, that’s not the question this raises? Okay, I’ll move on. Just keep in mind you and your bestie are watching Clueless for the fifteenth time and saying all the lines together that it was genetically predestined and free will is an illusion.

PEOPLE WOULD RATHER HAVE A HEART ATTACK THAN TAKE A DIFFERENT-LOOKING PILL

For the new study, published in the Annals of Internal Medicine, Kesselheim and his colleagues analyzed data on more than 11,000 people who were prescribed common medications including beta blockers, statins and ACE inhibitors after a heart attack.

Over the following year, almost a third had a change in pill color or shape. Those patients were between 30 and 70 percent more likely to stop taking their medication than patients whose pills stayed the same.

First of all, nobody has ever said the word “annals” without immediately following with “of history” so I’m skeptical of this thing off the bat. Second of all, “between 30 and 70%” is quite the window there. Third of all, while I’m kinda with the skeptical people who are good with their heart exploding, isn’t being wary of this sort of change normal? I’m just saying! Maybe the pharmacist filled out the prescription wrong. This guy got blinded! In any case, what should we do in this sort of situation, doctor guy?
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Handicapping the 2013 Nobel Peace Prize Field

Nobel Prize Medal

“Oh yeah, I’ve been looking all over for that.” -Kofi Annan

NOBEL WEEK IS HERE, YOU GUYS!!!!

And while we’re all excited about the winners (score one depression-era Canadians who somewhat ill-advisedly go visit their ex-girlfriends with their young children everywhere!) in other categories, the granddaddy of them all, the Nobel Peace Prize will be given out on Friday. Without any further ado, let’s have a look at the contenders from Paddy Power’s list of bettable candidates.

YOU WOULDN’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE PEACE IF A DOVE EXTENDED AN OLIVE BRANCH TO YOU

100/1 Bono

For unifying the world in the opinion that Bono is a self-righteous prig.

80/1 Facebook

“What’s cooler than the UNESCO Prize for Peace Education? The Nobel Peace Prize.” -Sean Parker, The Social Network 2: Networkin’ For The Weekend

YOU ARE ACTIVELY OPPOSED TO PEACE IN ALL ITS FORMS

66/1 Vladimir Putin

Regrettably, the Nobel Prize for Achievement in Terrible Gay Bashing and Iron-Fisted Dictatorship was proposed to Alfred Nobel, but he decided it made more sense to have a Medicine category instead.

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They Do in Fact Know It’s Christmas

You may remember that in 1984, all the stars of the music world united to record a song called “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” It is the worst thing ever.

See? The worst! Did you hear that part when they were like “Well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you”? I mean, I guess it’s supposed to be ironic or whatever, but… I don’t know how well that comes across! In any event, some African dudes have answered the question. Yeah, I guess they do know it’s Christmas.

A group of South African musicians has recorded a response to Bob Geldof’s 1984 song. Proceeds from the new single will go towards teaching discipline, literacy and contraception at British schools.

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