Tag Archives: Barack Obama

The Proposals Barack Obama (Foolishly) Didn’t Make In The State of the Union

Fresh off having the first great “Tell Me How My Ass Taste” moment of his presidency, President Barack Obama has to be feeling pretty good. Also, he proposed a whole bunch of things like shutting down Gitmo, raising the minimum wage and so on. While very few if any of these things are likely to happen (because nothing ever happens), that’s all the more reason for President Obama to have used his penultimate State of the Union to lay out an ambitious agenda. (The following is to be read in Barack Obama voice for full effect. Make sure to include the pauses and applause breaks!)

It's kinda cool that we made this guy President, right?

It’s kinda cool that we made this guy President, right?

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Bold Predictions for 2015

OH GOD LOOK AT THE ADORABLE SLEEPING KOALA

As 2015 fast approaches is here, what better time is there than now to set down some predictions? I guess maybe a couple weeks ago. :/

  • After yet another bill of his doesn’t pass, Barack Obama will wait out the rest of his term out in Hawaii and hope nobody notices. For six weeks or so, nobody does.
  • Norway and Finland will go to war; Sweden will feel super awkward about it.
  • There will be roughly one major parade every two months.
  • The horribly destructive Hurricane Kyler will remind everyone that kids these days have names like “Kyler.”
  • I will pretend to have read thoughtful essays on the 50th anniversary of: The Great Society, Vietnam, Vietnam and the Great Society, Winston Churchill’s death, Malcolm X’s death, how the deaths of Malcolm X and Winston Churchill are related, the march on Selma, In Cold Blood, Dylan going electric, and the Voting Rights Act.
  • I will actually read about the 50th anniversary of: the US occupation of the Dominican Republic (that happened?), Muhammad Ali beating Sonny Liston, and the Watts riots.
  • The top grossing movie will be How to Lose a Guy in 11 Days, marking Matthew McConaughey’s triumphant return to the “terrible rom-com” genre.
  • A coach will give a speech so powerful at halftime of a game that his team will go on to win  the game. Not the game their playing against their opponent–they’ll lose that in heartbreaking, but inspiring fashion as their last play comes up just short. No, no, they’ll go on to win the game OF LIFE.
  • A new iPhone will come out that will be a slightly different size. Perhaps more importantly, Siri will learn what you humans call love. Also, maybe it’ll be able to like, load stuff more quickly. That’d be neat.
  • North Korea will launch a massive cyber-attack against Arby’s’s servers (what’s the possessive of a possessive?) for stealing their Decaying Cow Brains recipe.
  • There will be a major news story involving a koala kidnapping. I’m not sure if the koala is being kidnapped or doing the kidnapping, but either way, it’ll be adorable.
  • Climate change will be revealed to have been the result of a wacky roommate accidentally messing up his scientist buddy’s data.
  • Sarah Palin won’t return, which’ll be nice.
  • There will be a weight loss craze that avoids dogmatic rules, but is instead centered around eating a reasonably diverse diet consisting primarily of fruits and vegetables, with portions of meat to gain protein. It’ll pass quickly in favor of The Diabsleepies Diet, in which you intentionally disable your pancreas in the belief that it gives off anti-nutritious toxins by snorting a line of Pixy Stix before bed.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , ,

Fox News Writes The Most Pointless Article Ever Written

Hatee-hatee-hatee-ho, indeed.

We’ve all heard about the Obamacare delays by now. But Fox News has continued their important research and found the most insidious Obamacare scandal of all: a frightening lack of celebrity YouTube videos in support of it.

In the heady days after the October 1 launch of the Affordable Care Act — better known as ObamaCare — Lady Gaga, Amy Poehler, Nina Dobrev, Rosario Dawson, Sarah Silverman, Olivia Wilde, Alicia Keys, Jennifer Hudson, Pearl Jam, Lance Bass, John Legend, Alyssa Milano and Kerry Washington joined the President to encourage Americans to #getcovered.

Ah yes, the heady days of three weeks ago. Let’s open the time capsule of earlier this month, shall we? Miley Cyrus (remember her?!) had the number one song in the country and something called Gravity was the number one movie in theaters–today it’s only shown in obscure art house theatres where people can recreate their childhood memories in dank, empty rooms.

Since then, technical glitches and website snafus have so marred the ObamaCare website that the team who built it has been called to testify before Congress on Thursday. But there will be no celebrities flanking them on Capitol Hill, as the stars that helped launch the initiative are now being advised to walk away.

Had Obamacare’s launch gone smoothly, there’s no reason to think that Lance Bass wouldn’t have been called to testify before Congress as a public health expert. Instead, glitches, and not a peep from NSYNC, MD.
Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Give All The Awards To These People Who Found Obama Eating A Sandwich

The Greatest Sandwich Known to Man

The Greatest Sandwich Known to Man

So, the editors at the LA Times needed a story.

A big story.

A story that was going to restore America’s faith in an impartial press that is not beholden to corporate interests or pageviews, one that still has a hunger to speak truth to power and stand up for what’s right in the world.

A story that was going to change everything. That was going to cut through all the noise and get to the bottom of this government shutdown business.

And so when Kathleen Hennessey pitched her editors on an article titled “Obama, Biden run out for sandwiches, damage control,” they knew she had STRUCK GOLD.

But much the way Woodward needed Bernstein, the editors knew that one reporter was not going to be enough. So they assigned another writer, so Kathleen Hennessey and Christi Parsons could break this story together–presumably with Hennessey, who spent twelve years as the sandwich meats beat reporter for Pork Quarterly doing the sandwich-based reporting and Christi Parsons, upon whom the television series Scandal is based, handling the damage control aspect.

Needless to say, they had an all-star team. And as with a veal & caviar sandwich, top of the line ingredients lead to a delicious result.

First, the reporting duo managed to somehow track the whereabouts of the elusive President and Vice President of the United States, a fact they were rightfully proud of:

With nothing public on his schedule and an anonymous quote from an administration official to bat away, President Obama walked out of the White House with Vice President Joe Biden on Friday to pick up sandwiches and engage in a little damage control.

Despite the President’s attempt to discreetly get an unscheduled sandwich, they would not be denied. And Obama, once cornered by our intrepid duo, would distance himself from comments made by an anonymous official within the administration who said the White House was “winning” the shutdown. After what must have been a great deal of consternation, President Obama made the difficult decision and found the willpower to repudiate the claims made by this official who was anonymously undermining his administration’s goals.

But that’s not all. Our reporters not only analyzed this sandwich, but put it in the context of sandwiches past:

The president has turned to Taylor’s Philadelphia-style hoagies during tough times with Congress before. In May 2012, as he tried to win support for his economic proposals, the president fetched takeout from Taylor for a meeting of the top four congressional leaders.

It really puts it all in perspective. Sandwich grease really lubricates the gears of our democracy.

No word yet on what kind of sandwich President Obama and Vice President Biden got.

UPDATE:

Obama ordered the “Race Street” sub (roasted turkey, prosciutto, pesto and mozzarella) and water, while Biden opted for the “9th Street Italian” (salami, capicola, prosciutto and provolone) and a lemonade.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

If You Could Have Anything Thing Signed By Anyone, What Thing/Person Combo Would You Chose?

Like, What If Someone Had Signed This!?!?!?!?

Like, What If Someone Had Signed This!?!?!?!? I’d Be Rich

Inspired by the news that some guy bought a copy of Martin Luther King, Jr.’s Strength To Love that featured his signature on the inside cover, I thought it would be time to consider what would be the best place to find an autograph. (I should also note that this came from Reddit, so there’s like a 94% chance of it being a hoax of some kind–even the hoaxes are hoaxes over there.)

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Today in News: Japan is Weird

125084-minami-minegishi-akb48-shaved-head

A member of a Japanese girl group shaved her head and issued a tearful apology for violating the group’s no-dating rule after she was seen leaving a boy’s apartment. In keeping with Japanese tradition, she will confine all further romantic relationships to sex robots and tentacled sea creatures.

Scientists say there is no cause for panic as a large asteroid is scheduled to harmlessly fly by earth. After hearing of yet another false alarm, a disgruntled Steven Tyler threw down his microphone in disgust and declared he was now willing to Miss A Thing.

A recent study showed that young adults commonly get back together with their exes–meaning the next decade of Taylor Swift songs are going to be really repetitive.

It was revealed that four step-grandchildren of former Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels are billionaires. The grandchildren have remained private out of concerns over negative publicity, noting that the gene for using pure evil to manipulate public opinion skips two generations.

A couple of college students have invented a new Facebook app, which is designed to facilitate anonymous hookups among Facebook friends. The app is said to be an improvement over the previous way to hook up over the internet with nobody finding out: MySpace.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Washington Post’s New Fact Checker is a Flawless Truth Machine

In an exciting innovation, The Washington Post, our nation’s leading repository of sad articles about John Wall, has decided they’re going to introduce something exciting and entirely new to their news coverage: facts.

Today, The Washington Post introduces a new prototype, The Truth Teller, that does live, automated fact checking of a political speech.

Building off the technology that gave us Zooey Deschanel asking what the weather was like AS SHE LOOKED OUT A WINDOW, The Truth Teller is off to a good start! Here’s one correction in its evaluation of Rep. Gerald Connolly’s (D-VA) speech:

Screen Shot 2013-01-29 at 2.52.33 PM

Now, sure, in the guy’s speech, it seems like he clearly says “The Recovery Act, which I proudly supported, cut taxes for ninety five percent of all Americans.” And sure, if that’s what he said, then that claim is the exact thing the Truth Teller is saying. But I’m just a human with a soft heart who hears what he wants to hear. For example, I want to hear sentences with coherent prepositional phrases and adverbs that relate to the rest of the words around them. But The Truth Teller cuts through the spin and gets right to the nougat-filled fact center so quickly that you don’t even realize how little sense this metaphor makes.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Apology Tour: Election Week Edition (Election Will Not Be Discussed)

In the nonstop circus that is today’s gotcha media Twittersphere blogoverse Tumblrtown, public figures are held accountable for their actions more often than ever. For that reason, I present Apology Tour, where we take the week in apologies and grade them using a proprietary formula based on several criteria such as severity of incident, sincerity, necessity of apology and other stuff that I’m forgetting right now. Without further ado…

No Doubt, for making a cowboys and Indians-themed video (since removed)

As a multi-racial band our foundation is built upon both diversity and consideration for other cultures. Our intention with our new video was never to offend, hurt or trivialize Native American people, their culture or their history.   Although we consulted with Native American friends and Native American studies experts at the University of California, we realize now that we have offended people.

Uh… beginning with the opposite of guilt by association (a multi-racial band, you say!), I am completely intrigued by these meetings with Native American friends and Native American studies experts. Here’s how they probably went:

GWEN STEFANI: So, I’m going to be playing one of the Indians. Tony’s going to be the other one, even though he’s dot Indian, not feather Indian, we figured it was cool.

GWEN STEFANI’S 1/8 IROQUOIS FRIEND TROY, WHO TOOK A CLASS IN NATIVE AMERICAN STUDIES AT UCSD TO FULFILL A REQUIREMENT: Whatever, fine. I have this idea for a boutique cupcake shop. I only need $15,00 in seed money…

And scene! This is the flimsiest of flimsy apologies and rationales. They’ve had like 11 years since their last album and this was the best video concept they could come up with? Next time, just don’t speak.

Grade: D

Director Peter Hall, for heckling Downton Abbey’s Lady Edith during a production of Uncle Vanya

Audience members heard the 81-year-old director repeatedly saying “it’s not working” while Carmichael spoke. […]

On Monday, Hall insisted he had not been heckling, but was merely “briefly disorientated” after waking from a brief doze.

Hall, founder of the Royal Shakespeare Company, said he was “mortified that I unintentionally disrupted” Friday’s performance.

There’s a lot happening here. For one, he’s insisting that he never meant to cast aspersions on this particular production of Uncle Vanya, which, fair enough. That point is unfortunately undercut by his insistence that the source of his disorientation was a nap that he presumably took in the middle of the show.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Meet the Rest of the Presidential Candidates

There are far too many issues that are simply not adequately addressed in a two-party system. But good news, mofos, we’re not in a two-party system. This is America, home of the Democrats, the Republicans, the Democratic-Republicans, the Know-Nothings, the Bull Moose Party and many more. We’ve got parties to address issues you didn’t even know we had. Issues like: is it the place of government to help poor people? Should alcohol be legal? Do we really want a president whose face is tattooed on a C-list actor’s chest? And wait, that guy said what about Jews?

Sure, no party other than the Democrats and Republicans has had a candidate even win a congressional election since 1970, but still. This is the year one of these guys or gals breaks through, I can feel it! So who do we have?

Gary Johnson (Libertarian)

What’s his deal?

That he’s the former governor of New Mexico might belie his position on government (against). Failed to apprehend Heisenberg, however his position on the drug war (again, against) probably played a factor there. He’s a libertarian, which means fewer government services and lower taxes.

Notable endorsements:

Penn from Penn & Teller.

You should vote for him if:

You hate the government. You believe the Republicans should get Nader’d. You believe that the right to as many guns and kilos of cocaine as you can carry in your satchel is a God-given right.

You should not vote for him if:

You enjoy paying taxes OR having a public school system. You believe firefighting should not be privatized.

Merlin Miller (American Third Position)

What’s his deal?

Miller got his MFA in Cinema/Television from USC in 1985 and most notably directed a TV movie one time. Not long after, his political views Took a Turn, and let’s just say he’s not a fan of “the Jewish-Zionist control of our mainstream media.” And he recently met with the misunderstood Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and received a book of poetry as a gift. D’awww.

Notable endorsements:

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and that guy who directed Birth of a Nation, probably

You should vote for him if:

You really shouldn’t vote for this guy, even if he probably knows Wilford Brimley from that TV movie he made.

You should not vote for him if:

You are Jewish, have Jewish friends, don’t care for anti-Semitism, or are a member of an elite cabal of bankers in Zurich.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Mitt Romney’s Zingers Sheet

Should I abandon writing and turn this blog into a catalog of Mitt Romney’s awkward interactions with black people? (Possible names: Ebony & Rom-i-nee, The Mormon Taberblackle Choir, The Unbearable Whiteness of Romneying). Anyway, Mitt’s wildly successful Chipotle photo op is not why we’re here. It’s this report from the NY Times.

Mr. Romney’s team has concluded that debates are about creating moments and has equipped him with a series of zingers that he has memorized and has been practicing on aides since August.

As luck would have it, my crack research staff managed to get their hands on Romney’s zinger sheet, and have assured me he will use every single one of these in tonight’s debate.

Tagged , , ,
%d bloggers like this: