Category Archives: The World of Politics

The Proposals Barack Obama (Foolishly) Didn’t Make In The State of the Union

Fresh off having the first great “Tell Me How My Ass Taste” moment of his presidency, President Barack Obama has to be feeling pretty good. Also, he proposed a whole bunch of things like shutting down Gitmo, raising the minimum wage and so on. While very few if any of these things are likely to happen (because nothing ever happens), that’s all the more reason for President Obama to have used his penultimate State of the Union to lay out an ambitious agenda. (The following is to be read in Barack Obama voice for full effect. Make sure to include the pauses and applause breaks!)

It's kinda cool that we made this guy President, right?

It’s kinda cool that we made this guy President, right?

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Murder, Intrigue and Clay Aiken In A North Carolina Congressional Race

There’s a nonzero chance American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken is murdering his political rivals.

Okay, that might be an exaggeration.

Or it might be the biggest understatement anyone’s ever made. (It’s not).

Here are the facts: Clay Aiken was declared the winner of a deadlocked Democratic congressional primary in North Carolina’s second district despite having a lead of less than 400 votes because his chief rival, Keith Crisco died suddenly in his home.

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Give All The Awards To These People Who Found Obama Eating A Sandwich

The Greatest Sandwich Known to Man

The Greatest Sandwich Known to Man

So, the editors at the LA Times needed a story.

A big story.

A story that was going to restore America’s faith in an impartial press that is not beholden to corporate interests or pageviews, one that still has a hunger to speak truth to power and stand up for what’s right in the world.

A story that was going to change everything. That was going to cut through all the noise and get to the bottom of this government shutdown business.

And so when Kathleen Hennessey pitched her editors on an article titled “Obama, Biden run out for sandwiches, damage control,” they knew she had STRUCK GOLD.

But much the way Woodward needed Bernstein, the editors knew that one reporter was not going to be enough. So they assigned another writer, so Kathleen Hennessey and Christi Parsons could break this story together–presumably with Hennessey, who spent twelve years as the sandwich meats beat reporter for Pork Quarterly doing the sandwich-based reporting and Christi Parsons, upon whom the television series Scandal is based, handling the damage control aspect.

Needless to say, they had an all-star team. And as with a veal & caviar sandwich, top of the line ingredients lead to a delicious result.

First, the reporting duo managed to somehow track the whereabouts of the elusive President and Vice President of the United States, a fact they were rightfully proud of:

With nothing public on his schedule and an anonymous quote from an administration official to bat away, President Obama walked out of the White House with Vice President Joe Biden on Friday to pick up sandwiches and engage in a little damage control.

Despite the President’s attempt to discreetly get an unscheduled sandwich, they would not be denied. And Obama, once cornered by our intrepid duo, would distance himself from comments made by an anonymous official within the administration who said the White House was “winning” the shutdown. After what must have been a great deal of consternation, President Obama made the difficult decision and found the willpower to repudiate the claims made by this official who was anonymously undermining his administration’s goals.

But that’s not all. Our reporters not only analyzed this sandwich, but put it in the context of sandwiches past:

The president has turned to Taylor’s Philadelphia-style hoagies during tough times with Congress before. In May 2012, as he tried to win support for his economic proposals, the president fetched takeout from Taylor for a meeting of the top four congressional leaders.

It really puts it all in perspective. Sandwich grease really lubricates the gears of our democracy.

No word yet on what kind of sandwich President Obama and Vice President Biden got.

UPDATE:

Obama ordered the “Race Street” sub (roasted turkey, prosciutto, pesto and mozzarella) and water, while Biden opted for the “9th Street Italian” (salami, capicola, prosciutto and provolone) and a lemonade.

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The Washington Post’s New Fact Checker is a Flawless Truth Machine

In an exciting innovation, The Washington Post, our nation’s leading repository of sad articles about John Wall, has decided they’re going to introduce something exciting and entirely new to their news coverage: facts.

Today, The Washington Post introduces a new prototype, The Truth Teller, that does live, automated fact checking of a political speech.

Building off the technology that gave us Zooey Deschanel asking what the weather was like AS SHE LOOKED OUT A WINDOW, The Truth Teller is off to a good start! Here’s one correction in its evaluation of Rep. Gerald Connolly’s (D-VA) speech:

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Now, sure, in the guy’s speech, it seems like he clearly says “The Recovery Act, which I proudly supported, cut taxes for ninety five percent of all Americans.” And sure, if that’s what he said, then that claim is the exact thing the Truth Teller is saying. But I’m just a human with a soft heart who hears what he wants to hear. For example, I want to hear sentences with coherent prepositional phrases and adverbs that relate to the rest of the words around them. But The Truth Teller cuts through the spin and gets right to the nougat-filled fact center so quickly that you don’t even realize how little sense this metaphor makes.

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Snakes on a Campagin (To Kill Everything in Florida)

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Being a Floridian is a life riddled with danger. Because Florida apparently has no restrictions on their pets, they have to deal with the occasional wild grizzly bears, the odd Mystery Monkeys, and now, the Burmese python has got its tail wrapped around America’s dangling appendage. And pythons are pretty much all tail. The Burmese python threatens the natural balance of the ecosystem in the Everglades, but fortunately, Florida officials have found a way to deal with the problem in a way that is fun for the whole family.

That’s right! Florida: where every day is St. Patrick’s Day. This hardly seems necessary though, if the pythons are in the swamps, won’t they be easily destroyed by bigger predators? Like alligators, for example.

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Mark Sanford is Back! Let’s Re-Read His Amazing Love Letters

Wrong Sanford, You Big Dummy
Wrong Sanford, You Big Dummy

Big news, guys.

Mark Sanford, the former governor of South Carolina, will run for the House of Representatives, sources close to Sanford confirm. He will try to win election to the seat formerly held by Tim Scott.

What’s this? The greatest American love letter writer is coming back into public life? For those who don’t recall, Mark Sanford was the South Carolina governor who in 2009 was seen as a possible contender for the Republican nomination in 2012. So, what happened? He went to hike the Appalachian Trail. Here’s how conservative commentator and former adviser to George W. Bush Mark McKinnon synopsized that hiking trip in an article that just gets better and better as the years go by:

Mark Sanford unplugged. Literally. He decided to take a hike. And he told his security detail to take a hike as well.

Guy wanted some alone time in the woods to clear his head.

Here we have a guy in politics who actually likes to get OUT of the spotlight. How exceedingly normal.

But oh, no. Not normal at all. A man in his position has to be “troubled” or “hiding something” for taking a walk.

Judging from the thunderous sound of the reaction and squealing coverage you would think that Sanford went for a walk in Anbar Province, Iraq, and left the nuclear football in a mall somewhere in Pakistan.

Declare a state of emergency. Lock your doors. Hide your children. Find Al Haig and put him charge. Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer has let it be known that he cannot take this situation “lightly.”

Bauer called Sanford’s office and demanded an “immediate phone conversation with the governor,” and was shocked, shocked, to discover his chief of staff didn’t know where he was.

Well, apparently, Sanford has been out hiking the Appalachian Trail: A great place, according to the author and novice hiker Bill Bryson, for a walk in the woods. This is the sign of a healthy, sane individual. So, of course, when someone in politics does something normal, political partisans and the media elite think he’s crazy.

Mark Sanford literally likes to go his own way. Why do politicians have to be on a leash? Really, is South Carolina such a highly prized strategic asset that everyone has to freak out if the governor takes a hike for a few days? What’s the worst that could happen?

Well, as it turns out, the people who seemed to think it was weird that a governor would go out of his way to be completely untraceable for a few days were completely justified in their suspicions as “hiking the Appalachian Trail” quickly became a euphemism for having an affair.

Yeah, that's the guy
Yeah, that’s the guy

It’s worth remembering that the Mark Sanford Affair is truly unparalleled in the history of American politics. Obviously, there have been lots of affairs in the history of American politics. True! But those affairs were about sex. This one, this one was about love. This was not meeting some prostitutes in Connecticut and insisting that you continue to wear socks. No. Mark Sanford was the greatest love letter writer in American political history. Without further ado, here is the email documentation of the greatest love story in American political history between Mark Sanford and Argentinean reporter Maria Belén Chapur.  Because it makes me feel important, my comments will be in bold.
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Meet the Rest of the Presidential Candidates

There are far too many issues that are simply not adequately addressed in a two-party system. But good news, mofos, we’re not in a two-party system. This is America, home of the Democrats, the Republicans, the Democratic-Republicans, the Know-Nothings, the Bull Moose Party and many more. We’ve got parties to address issues you didn’t even know we had. Issues like: is it the place of government to help poor people? Should alcohol be legal? Do we really want a president whose face is tattooed on a C-list actor’s chest? And wait, that guy said what about Jews?

Sure, no party other than the Democrats and Republicans has had a candidate even win a congressional election since 1970, but still. This is the year one of these guys or gals breaks through, I can feel it! So who do we have?

Gary Johnson (Libertarian)

What’s his deal?

That he’s the former governor of New Mexico might belie his position on government (against). Failed to apprehend Heisenberg, however his position on the drug war (again, against) probably played a factor there. He’s a libertarian, which means fewer government services and lower taxes.

Notable endorsements:

Penn from Penn & Teller.

You should vote for him if:

You hate the government. You believe the Republicans should get Nader’d. You believe that the right to as many guns and kilos of cocaine as you can carry in your satchel is a God-given right.

You should not vote for him if:

You enjoy paying taxes OR having a public school system. You believe firefighting should not be privatized.

Merlin Miller (American Third Position)

What’s his deal?

Miller got his MFA in Cinema/Television from USC in 1985 and most notably directed a TV movie one time. Not long after, his political views Took a Turn, and let’s just say he’s not a fan of “the Jewish-Zionist control of our mainstream media.” And he recently met with the misunderstood Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and received a book of poetry as a gift. D’awww.

Notable endorsements:

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and that guy who directed Birth of a Nation, probably

You should vote for him if:

You really shouldn’t vote for this guy, even if he probably knows Wilford Brimley from that TV movie he made.

You should not vote for him if:

You are Jewish, have Jewish friends, don’t care for anti-Semitism, or are a member of an elite cabal of bankers in Zurich.

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2012 Vice Presidential Debate Predictions

Fresh off Obama losing the first debate so badly that he’s barely still president, Team Blue needs a jolt of energy. And who better to supply that jolt than Joltin’ Joe Biden? Well, probably someone else, but that’s who’s going to be doing the talking tonight, so deal with it. Meanwhile, Team Red counters with ill-fitting suit connoisseur Paul Ryan, who’s so devoted to budget austerity that he believes having your full name be over ten letters long is wasteful spending.

But who’s going to win? America! Joe Biden is one of those old timey Ted Kennedy Democrats who remind you, oh yeah, people in this party used to care about stuff like The Poor and enjoyed employing Shameless Populism, whereas Paul Ryan is a combination of Anton Chigurh and the Terminator, sent from the future to early 1980s Texas to kill all government programs because he’s certain that any growth in the federal government will lead to Skynet’s robots trampling our skulls.

So, um, who’s going to win? Time for a good ol’ fashioned breakdown.

Biden will win

  • Because Ryan will be exhausted from trying to run a marathon on a treadmill during the hour and a half debate “just to prove to you all that I can.”
  • When Ryan, after launching into a closing statement designed to show his empathy with common Americans, accidentally says the word “übermensch” four times
  • If he can nail Paul Ryan to his budget, whose severe cuts to Medicare and Social Security are wildly unpopular while defending Obama’s record as more successful than it is credited for.
  • When Paul Ryan walks right into his “losersayswhat” trap.
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Mitt Romney’s Zingers Sheet

Should I abandon writing and turn this blog into a catalog of Mitt Romney’s awkward interactions with black people? (Possible names: Ebony & Rom-i-nee, The Mormon Taberblackle Choir, The Unbearable Whiteness of Romneying). Anyway, Mitt’s wildly successful Chipotle photo op is not why we’re here. It’s this report from the NY Times.

Mr. Romney’s team has concluded that debates are about creating moments and has equipped him with a series of zingers that he has memorized and has been practicing on aides since August.

As luck would have it, my crack research staff managed to get their hands on Romney’s zinger sheet, and have assured me he will use every single one of these in tonight’s debate.

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2012 Presidential Election Q + A

Like Mitt Romney, I still don’t know who let those dastardly dogs out, but I can turn all your other election questions into answers. Or at least answered questions, which is the next best thing.

What’s the worst (legal) thing Obama could do in these last few months of the campaign and still have a chance to win?

I’m torn between two things: one, if he was Tiger Woodsing out this whole time with a bunch of blonde bimbos, that would certainly hurt him with independent voters. Still, I’m going to say if he announces his conversion to Islam,  he would still have a shot at winning. It wouldn’t be a great one, but such a hilariously high percentage already thinks he’s a Muslim that it might not be so bad. That would be way more damaging politically than if he re-killed Vince Foster or something else that at least seems Tough on Terror.

And Romney?

I’m not sure Romney isn’t actively trying to answer this question. I mean, “accidentally reveal that he thinks half of Americans are worthless hoboes in front of a secret audience of rich people,” would seem to be about as far as he can go.

On the other hand, if the economy takes a severe downturn on Obama in the next few months, there’s basically no limitation to what Romney could say he intends to do as president. Mandatory Mormon Re-Education camps? Invasion of the UK? Marie Osmond named Poet Laureate? Re-writing Rocky IV so that Drago wins? It won’t matter, because voters will be all “I’m more focused on jobs,” and that’ll be that.

What’s the loser going go do afterwards?

If Romney loses, he’ll just keep running for President for a few years (old habits die hard). After that, I hope he combines his greatest passions and organizes the Cayman Islands’ winning Olympic bid for 2032.

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