Category Archives: Science!

What’s New With Science: Farts Are Here To Save Your Life

As one of the internet’s leading resources on scientific matters, it is my occasional duty to update you on what the scientific community is up to. And by “what the scientific community is up to,” I mean haphazardly written articles that through either ignorance or malice misinterpret the findings of studies to create the most sensationalist headline possible.

BEST FRIENDS ARE GENETICALLY BASICALLY FOURTH COUSINS

#BestFriends4Ever

#BestFriends4Ever

According to a new study from Yale University and the University of California at San Diego, good friends are often genetically similar, and can share as much as 1% of the same gene variants. In genetic terms, that’s a lot. As close as, say, fourth cousins.

This of course raises the question of “so, like can I have sex with my friend without having a weird genetically-deficient baby?” No, that’s not the question this raises? Okay, I’ll move on. Just keep in mind you and your bestie are watching Clueless for the fifteenth time and saying all the lines together that it was genetically predestined and free will is an illusion.

PEOPLE WOULD RATHER HAVE A HEART ATTACK THAN TAKE A DIFFERENT-LOOKING PILL

For the new study, published in the Annals of Internal Medicine, Kesselheim and his colleagues analyzed data on more than 11,000 people who were prescribed common medications including beta blockers, statins and ACE inhibitors after a heart attack.

Over the following year, almost a third had a change in pill color or shape. Those patients were between 30 and 70 percent more likely to stop taking their medication than patients whose pills stayed the same.

First of all, nobody has ever said the word “annals” without immediately following with “of history” so I’m skeptical of this thing off the bat. Second of all, “between 30 and 70%” is quite the window there. Third of all, while I’m kinda with the skeptical people who are good with their heart exploding, isn’t being wary of this sort of change normal? I’m just saying! Maybe the pharmacist filled out the prescription wrong. This guy got blinded! In any case, what should we do in this sort of situation, doctor guy?
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Against All Odds, Lefties Continue their Heroic, Admirable Rise through American Society

The Wall Street Journal’s “Left-Handed Like Me” article starts well enough, noting “Left-handers have been the subject of curiosity, stigma and even fear over the centuries.” It’s like Yoda said in Star Wars. Curiosity becomes stigma. Stigma becomes fear. Fear becomes a different kind of scissors.

Still, being genetically superior does come with its drawbacks.

Handedness, as the dominance of one hand over the other is called, provides a window into the way our brains are wired, experts say. And it may help shed light on disorders related to brain development, like dyslexia, schizophrenia and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, or ADHD, which are more common in left-handed people.

Other recent research suggests that mixed-handedness—using different hands for daily tasks and not having a dominant one—may be even more strongly linked than left-handedness to ADHD and possibly other conditions.

Yeah, but aren’t those conditions just loveable quirks? Also, mixed-handedness? Is that even real? Pick a side, you waffling bastards. These must be the stupid undecided voters who ruin every election for the rest of us.

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Petition To Acknowledge Hidden Aliens on Earth Ruins Nice Bureaucrat’s Afternoon

The Obama White House has decided, in their infinite wisdom to start playing requests and responding to petitions in its website. Why they are doing this is anyone’s guess. Like many of the responses, this one is best imagined as somebody talking very slowly to a six-year-old, with his hands on his knees, nodding every so often and saying “Ok?” after each sentence:

The U.S. government has no evidence that any life exists outside our planet, or that an extraterrestrial presence has contacted or engaged any member of the human race. In addition, there is no credible information to suggest that any evidence is being hidden from the public’s eye.

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Study: Obvious Thing We All Know is True, is True According to Twitter

No, it’s not that dark matter holds the galaxies together. Thanks to the magic of Twitter, we now know for a definitive fact that people wake up happy and enjoy weekends more than weekdays. This groundbreaking study did not go on to find other important truths such as: the sun is shiny, rain is wet, and Remember the Titans ended racism.

But I know what you skeptics out there are thinking: this study is stupid and wrong–Saturday and Sunday are just magical days that have unique properties unrelated to their being the entirety of the weekend. That’s what it is. And while a healthy skepticism is important to the pursuit of science, these particular Scientists tested for that hypothesis and found it lacking:

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