Category Archives: Bold Predictions

Bold Predictions for 2015

OH GOD LOOK AT THE ADORABLE SLEEPING KOALA

As 2015 fast approaches is here, what better time is there than now to set down some predictions? I guess maybe a couple weeks ago. :/

  • After yet another bill of his doesn’t pass, Barack Obama will wait out the rest of his term out in Hawaii and hope nobody notices. For six weeks or so, nobody does.
  • Norway and Finland will go to war; Sweden will feel super awkward about it.
  • There will be roughly one major parade every two months.
  • The horribly destructive Hurricane Kyler will remind everyone that kids these days have names like “Kyler.”
  • I will pretend to have read thoughtful essays on the 50th anniversary of: The Great Society, Vietnam, Vietnam and the Great Society, Winston Churchill’s death, Malcolm X’s death, how the deaths of Malcolm X and Winston Churchill are related, the march on Selma, In Cold Blood, Dylan going electric, and the Voting Rights Act.
  • I will actually read about the 50th anniversary of: the US occupation of the Dominican Republic (that happened?), Muhammad Ali beating Sonny Liston, and the Watts riots.
  • The top grossing movie will be How to Lose a Guy in 11 Days, marking Matthew McConaughey’s triumphant return to the “terrible rom-com” genre.
  • A coach will give a speech so powerful at halftime of a game that his team will go on to win  the game. Not the game their playing against their opponent–they’ll lose that in heartbreaking, but inspiring fashion as their last play comes up just short. No, no, they’ll go on to win the game OF LIFE.
  • A new iPhone will come out that will be a slightly different size. Perhaps more importantly, Siri will learn what you humans call love. Also, maybe it’ll be able to like, load stuff more quickly. That’d be neat.
  • North Korea will launch a massive cyber-attack against Arby’s’s servers (what’s the possessive of a possessive?) for stealing their Decaying Cow Brains recipe.
  • There will be a major news story involving a koala kidnapping. I’m not sure if the koala is being kidnapped or doing the kidnapping, but either way, it’ll be adorable.
  • Climate change will be revealed to have been the result of a wacky roommate accidentally messing up his scientist buddy’s data.
  • Sarah Palin won’t return, which’ll be nice.
  • There will be a weight loss craze that avoids dogmatic rules, but is instead centered around eating a reasonably diverse diet consisting primarily of fruits and vegetables, with portions of meat to gain protein. It’ll pass quickly in favor of The Diabsleepies Diet, in which you intentionally disable your pancreas in the belief that it gives off anti-nutritious toxins by snorting a line of Pixy Stix before bed.

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Handicapping the 2013 Nobel Peace Prize Field

Nobel Prize Medal

“Oh yeah, I’ve been looking all over for that.” -Kofi Annan

NOBEL WEEK IS HERE, YOU GUYS!!!!

And while we’re all excited about the winners (score one depression-era Canadians who somewhat ill-advisedly go visit their ex-girlfriends with their young children everywhere!) in other categories, the granddaddy of them all, the Nobel Peace Prize will be given out on Friday. Without any further ado, let’s have a look at the contenders from Paddy Power’s list of bettable candidates.

YOU WOULDN’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE PEACE IF A DOVE EXTENDED AN OLIVE BRANCH TO YOU

100/1 Bono

For unifying the world in the opinion that Bono is a self-righteous prig.

80/1 Facebook

“What’s cooler than the UNESCO Prize for Peace Education? The Nobel Peace Prize.” -Sean Parker, The Social Network 2: Networkin’ For The Weekend

YOU ARE ACTIVELY OPPOSED TO PEACE IN ALL ITS FORMS

66/1 Vladimir Putin

Regrettably, the Nobel Prize for Achievement in Terrible Gay Bashing and Iron-Fisted Dictatorship was proposed to Alfred Nobel, but he decided it made more sense to have a Medicine category instead.

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Predictions for The Final Mad Men Season

mad-men-lawnmower-blood

It’s time to play BOLD PREDICTIONS, where my first prediction is that you can figure out how a game called BOLD PREDICTIONS works. Today’s topic: The final season of Mad Men.

A fun little known fact: Mad Men executive producer Matthew Weiner’s first choice for the show’s title was Dontourage, but HBO executives insisted he change it into something “less stupid.” After the two sides failed to come to an agreement, Weiner took his show to AMC, whose executives secretly retitled the show Mad Men and have worked tirelessly with the crew, actors, and media members to keep Weiner under the impression that his show is actually called Dontourage.

As many of you know, Mad Men will be returning to TV on Sunday. For those who don’t know, Mad Men is a show about some guy named Donald who makes commercials for beans and popsicles. And sometimes A British Guy gets an NCAA Tournament-caliber leg injury from improper usage of the John Deere CarpetTrimmer (TM).

For these reasons, Mad Men is regarded by many as the greatest show on television. Plus, people seem to like Donald guy’s strong chin and charmingly insouciant alcoholism.

But with the show coming back on Sunday, it’s time to re-learn what’s going on and make some Bold Predictions.

Donald “The Drapes of Wrath” Draper

Also, his crippling nicotine addiction

Nicotine is like, #324 on his list of crippling addictions

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