Here Is What Happened This Week: 8-15-14

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Here are some updates on current events presented in humorous fashion for your enjoyment. There were some very depressing things that happened too, but I won’t be addressing them so as to keep you, the reader in good spirits.

Paul McCartney played the last concert at Candlestick Park before it is to be demolished. Elton John is reported to have bitterly moved a slightly rewritten version of “Candle in the Wind” to the trash folder on his computer.

The defense is seeking a dismissal in the corruption trial for former Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell. The judge is unlikely to grant the dismissal as there are mountains of evidence of McDonnell’s corruption and his check hasn’t cleared yet.

Eight people were arrested after pulling off a heist of more than $180,000 at a New Jersey casino. Three other members of criminal mastermind Danny Ocean’s crew are believed to still be at large.

A woman was arrested at Madrid International Airport for smuggling over $100,00 in cocaine in the form of breast implants. Authorities became suspicious when she was spotted breastfeeding her baby with a rolled-up $100 bill.

Philadelphia schools will be dealing with severe budget cuts because of delays in implementing a cigarette tax, a partial victory for the Smoking Schoolchildren lobby.

Two kidnapped Amish girls have thankfully been returned safely to their families. The search was complicated by the fact that there the girls didn’t speak English and that no photographs of the girls exist. However, the police description of “Two girls, aged seven and 12 with lustrous beards” did narrow it down a bit.

Pope Francis is visiting South Korea, where he hopes make lots of Seoul-based puns.

Scientists believe plants and their parasites can talk with each other via RNA communication. This exciting breakthrough was somewhat marred by the discovery that all they talk about is the weather.

Astronomers believe an asteroid might destroy Earth in 2880, finally putting an end to the Expendables franchise.

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