Unlike other jerks who have been publishing their best of, worst of, and most statistically average of 2013 lists, I waited until 2013 ended, dammit, before I started listing things. Without any further ado, here are the people who won and who lost in 2013.
WINNER: Gay Atheists
The new pope says you guys are totally on the FastTrak to Heaven!
WINNER: Edward Snowden
He’s about three months away from faking his own death and spending the remainder of his days in that cafe in Paris with Batman and that actress everyone hates because she tries too hard.
WINNER: Tyler Perry
A Madea Christmas made $44 million. Way to go, Tyler Perry!
WINNER: Elon Musk
It was a very exciting year in which he finally completed his transition from “guy whose name sounds like sleazy perfume” to “magic train inventor.”
WINNER: Whoever set up the Batkid agenda
When San Francisco rallied together to make a dream come true for an adorable tyke with lymphoma, some person had to set up the schedule. And that person is an awesome, unappreciated genius for making sure to leave a solid hour in the day for eating lunch and, presumably, take a nap. If you ask a tired five-year-old who hasn’t eaten all day to chase the Penguin, he’s a lot likelier to sit down on the ground, take off his mask and tearfully demand a pb&j.
LOSER: Pope Benedict XVI
It’s got to be infuriating for him to watch as everyone loves this new pope. But then, when you’ve gone through life looking like a Nazi racoon, perhaps you’re used to not being the belle of the ball. (Side note: the Google results for “Nazi Raccoon” are not what you might think they’d be!)
LOSER: Doug Ford, Jr.
Did you know Rob Ford has a brother who is a successful businessman, a Toronto City Councillor, and a vegetarian? It’s true! I’m sure he was not super thrilled to watch his brother ascend to a higher office than him and then embarrass their family repeatedly. It’s not easy being the Canadian Jeb Bush.
LOSER: Richie Incognito
Before the Dolphins, before Nebraska, before the scouts filled the grandstands to see him, Richie Incognito bullied for the love of the game. He’d give out swirlies, wedgies and steal lunch money not for the money, but because it was his passion. But clearly, becoming a famous, professional bully got to his head. He became selfish and started doing stupid things like threatening to kill his victim and bullying said victim into buying him a trip to Las Vegas. Incognito needs to spend this offseason visiting Space Camps and Fat Camps across the nation to rediscover why he loved bullying in the first place.
LOSER: That Duck Dynasty Guy
If there’s one thing that Duck Dynasty’s southern, rural audience won’t tolerate, it’s an antiquated attitude toward race and homosexuality.
LOSER: Malala Yousafzai
Despite opening as the overwhelming favorite, Malala came away from the Nobel Prize ceremony empty-handed. You have to wonder if she’ll be resilient enough to overcome this, the worst setback she’s ever experienced.