Fox News Writes The Most Pointless Article Ever Written

Hatee-hatee-hatee-ho, indeed.

We’ve all heard about the Obamacare delays by now. But Fox News has continued their important research and found the most insidious Obamacare scandal of all: a frightening lack of celebrity YouTube videos in support of it.

In the heady days after the October 1 launch of the Affordable Care Act — better known as ObamaCare — Lady Gaga, Amy Poehler, Nina Dobrev, Rosario Dawson, Sarah Silverman, Olivia Wilde, Alicia Keys, Jennifer Hudson, Pearl Jam, Lance Bass, John Legend, Alyssa Milano and Kerry Washington joined the President to encourage Americans to #getcovered.

Ah yes, the heady days of three weeks ago. Let’s open the time capsule of earlier this month, shall we? Miley Cyrus (remember her?!) had the number one song in the country and something called Gravity was the number one movie in theaters–today it’s only shown in obscure art house theatres where people can recreate their childhood memories in dank, empty rooms.

Since then, technical glitches and website snafus have so marred the ObamaCare website that the team who built it has been called to testify before Congress on Thursday. But there will be no celebrities flanking them on Capitol Hill, as the stars that helped launch the initiative are now being advised to walk away.

Had Obamacare’s launch gone smoothly, there’s no reason to think that Lance Bass wouldn’t have been called to testify before Congress as a public health expert. Instead, glitches, and not a peep from NSYNC, MD.

One well-placed Hollywood agent told FOX411 that while Obama and ObamaCare are separate issues, and that you can support one without the other, public relations teams across the industry are cautioning their clients to now lay off the latter. Even Oprah Winfrey, one of the President’s most influential mouthpieces during his first election, reportedly refused to get on-board and lend a hand.

Even Oprah hates Obamacare! Well, according to the aforementioned New York Post report, the issue is that Oprah had a sad that she wasn’t given exclusive access to the Obama White House after campaigning for him in 2008. Naturally, because it’s the NY Post, they make it out that Obama is disloyal to his supporters. But, uh… isn’t that a good thing that he doesn’t let people buy access in his government? Probably! Also, you’ll note that these things have nothing to do with Obamacare.

Science is actually a respectable journal, but still, this does look funny

Science is actually a very real and very respectable journal, but still, this does look funny

Georgia attorney Patrick Millsaps, who served as chief of staff of Newt Gingrich’s 2012 presidential campaign and manages several Hollywood names, said celebrities, like most public figures, know where to draw the line.

“Several Hollywood names” is, according to an IMDB search, one person: Stacey Dash, who, it should be noted, was mentioned in public for the first time since The Team’s seminal Bay Area rap song “It’s Getting Hot” included the lyric “Pull dimes like Dash in Clueless” when she endorsed Mitt Romney in 2012. Make of that what you will.

“They are starting to realize they too were sold a bill of goods and aren’t going to be accomplices in a continued fraud,” he said. “This is an easy decision for a manager – you can’t let your client promote a crappy product.”

I guess what you make of it is that this guy let his client support Mitt Romney. And he was Newt Gingrich’s Chief of Staff, so clearly he knows how to pick a winner.

“Many of my Hollywood friends still believe in this guy,” Millsaps added. “But I think their faith is being tested.”

Publicist Ronn Torossian of 5WPR agreed. “When things go wrong, naturally celebrities won’t want to be outspoken. But don’t expect them to be quiet for long,” he said. “They will stand up again as soon as President Obama asks them to.”

Wait, what? This statement is not him “agreeing.” It’s him saying the exact opposite of what everything in this article has said. Also, for that matter, so is the first of those two paragraphs. Isn’t the whole point that the celebrities have drawn the line at Obamacare? Let’s see if there’s a paragraph from earlier that says something to that effect:

Georgia attorney Patrick Millsaps, who served as chief of staff of Newt Gingrich’s 2012 presidential campaign and manages several Hollywood names, said celebrities, like most public figures, know where to draw the line.

Yes! Yes there is!

Enter Scarlett Johansson. One of President Obama’s best celebrity friends (she revealed during his campaign that the two were text buddies), Johansson has lent her voice to a Planned Parenthood message that’s played when calls are placed to some of their health centers. “Did you know you may be able to enroll in new, more affordable health insurance plans?” Johansson asks before directing callers to a Planned Parenthood section on the new Affordable Care Act website.

Whether callers can get through to that web address is, obviously, another issue.

So…after all of this, the thesis (“celebrities have stopped supporting Obamacare because of the glitches, and I guess also Obama, although they can separate Obama from Obamacare, and are really not supporting Obamacare, although, again, they are not supporting Obama either.”) is based on the idea that no new celebrities have spoken in favor of Obamacare in the PAST THREE WEEKS. Oh, except that’s not true–an A-list actress who is currently on the cover of Esquire as the sexiest woman alive has lent her support! Uh… at least they got that dig in at the end. Good job, Fox News!

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One thought on “Fox News Writes The Most Pointless Article Ever Written

  1. Deborah T says:

    Well, I’m not a celebrity, but I didn’t have any trouble getting on the site and checking it out. Seems pretty straightforward to me!
    I am on two sides of the equation – I work in a non-profit hospital (so we have been financially stressed during the last 2 years) and I am also a tax payer and payer of medical insurance premiums.
    I am also from the U.K. where the healthcare system is totally different, but not worse than the U.S. system. Having been here for almost fourteen years and working in healthcare, I can see many perspectives. People don’t seem to be able to differentiate doing what’s right and talking about it.
    As far as celebrity goes – isn’t any publicity better than no publicity?

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