Handicapping the 2013 Nobel Peace Prize Field

Nobel Prize Medal

“Oh yeah, I’ve been looking all over for that.” -Kofi Annan

NOBEL WEEK IS HERE, YOU GUYS!!!!

And while we’re all excited about the winners (score one depression-era Canadians who somewhat ill-advisedly go visit their ex-girlfriends with their young children everywhere!) in other categories, the granddaddy of them all, the Nobel Peace Prize will be given out on Friday. Without any further ado, let’s have a look at the contenders from Paddy Power’s list of bettable candidates.

YOU WOULDN’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE PEACE IF A DOVE EXTENDED AN OLIVE BRANCH TO YOU

100/1 Bono

For unifying the world in the opinion that Bono is a self-righteous prig.

80/1 Facebook

“What’s cooler than the UNESCO Prize for Peace Education? The Nobel Peace Prize.” -Sean Parker, The Social Network 2: Networkin’ For The Weekend

YOU ARE ACTIVELY OPPOSED TO PEACE IN ALL ITS FORMS

66/1 Vladimir Putin

Regrettably, the Nobel Prize for Achievement in Terrible Gay Bashing and Iron-Fisted Dictatorship was proposed to Alfred Nobel, but he decided it made more sense to have a Medicine category instead.

EVEN IF YOU DID SOMETHING GOOD, YOU LOOK LIKE EVERY EURO-VILLAIN FROM A ’90S MOVIE

50/1 Julian Assange

"No Mr. Bond, I Expect You To Die."

“No Mr. Bond, I Expect You To Die.”

IT’D BE PRETTY AWKWARD IF HE RAN INTO BARACK OBAMA AT THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE WINNERS’ BRUNCH

50/1 Edward “The Snowdens of Yesteryear” Snowden

Is he still in that airport?

ASIAN DUDES WITH COOL NAMES

40/1 Ban-Ki Moon

33/1 Hu Jia

Hu Jia, got you all in check!

THE BOSS OF ALL BOSSES

33/1 Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton El Presidente

Can’t wait for him to become Secret President again in 2016!

WHO THE FUCK IS GENE SHARP?

25/1 Gene Sharp

Gene_Sharp

“Gene Sharp (born January 21, 1928)… is known for his extensive writings on nonviolent struggle, which have influenced numerous anti-government resistance movements around the world.[citation needed]” -Wikipedia

LADIES FIRST!!!

25/1 Mary Robinson

25/1 Bradley Manning

Which would be more surprising, that Chelsea (formerly Bradley) Manning would be first transgendered winner, or Mary Robinson becoming first ginger winner? (note: Mary Robinson is the former President of Ireland so I’m assuming she’s a ginger. I’m also assuming no ginger has ever won the Nobel Peace Prize. This may or may not be accurate).

THE FAVORITES

11/8 Denis Mukwege

8/15 Malala Yousafzai

Hoo boy, let’s start with some jokes about Denis. Let’s see, he’s a gynecologist. Already hilarious, I’m sure if I dig deeper, the comedy will spring forth naturally:

[Mukwege] founded and works in Panzi Hospital in Bukavu, where he specializes in the treatment of women who have been gang-raped by rebel forces, Mukwege has probably become the world’s leading expert on how to repair the internal physical damage caused by gang rape.

* assumes fetal position *

* reconsiders everything *

* has a newfound gratitude for everything *

And Malala Yousafzai, naturally is a 16-year-old who has been advocating for women’s educational rights for the past five years and was shot in the head and neck by the Taliban. And if you make a smart wager, you can turn her triumph over tragedy into cold, hard cash!

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One thought on “Handicapping the 2013 Nobel Peace Prize Field

  1. kita says:

    I don’t ever understand rap lyrics unless captioned. I was surprised to be amused at the first part of Busta Rhymes video visuals , black santa suit, silliness in car etc.

    I think there is money to be made betting the Nobels, but the only one I know for sure to win is Malala, and there can’t be $ there unless you bet against her and she doesn’t win.

    That’s no fun.

    Assange as Euro-villian is fun tho.

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