It’s time to play BOLD PREDICTIONS, where my first prediction is that you can figure out how a game called BOLD PREDICTIONS works. Today’s topic: The final season of Mad Men.
A fun little known fact: Mad Men executive producer Matthew Weiner’s first choice for the show’s title was Dontourage, but HBO executives insisted he change it into something “less stupid.” After the two sides failed to come to an agreement, Weiner took his show to AMC, whose executives secretly retitled the show Mad Men and have worked tirelessly with the crew, actors, and media members to keep Weiner under the impression that his show is actually called Dontourage.
As many of you know, Mad Men will be returning to TV on Sunday. For those who don’t know, Mad Men is a show about some guy named Donald who makes commercials for beans and popsicles. And sometimes A British Guy gets an NCAA Tournament-caliber leg injury from improper usage of the John Deere CarpetTrimmer (TM).
For these reasons, Mad Men is regarded by many as the greatest show on television. Plus, people seem to like Donald guy’s strong chin and charmingly insouciant alcoholism.
But with the show coming back on Sunday, it’s time to re-learn what’s going on and make some Bold Predictions.
Donald “The Drapes of Wrath” Draper
- Cheats on his wife
- Still good looking
- Parts his hair on the right side, because it’s 1966, baby!
- Meets a sexy magician’s assistant while filming an ad, learns that she’s a a member of a weird group called The Manson Family
- After Pete snares the big Canadian flag redesign via a former Princeton chum named Hobbsie, everyone in the office prefers Ginsberg’s design of a sassy beaver with his arms crossed to Don’s shitty maple leaf, and a frustrated Don kicks Ginsberg in the balls
- Visits the Tour de France where he tells all his darkest secrets to a retired mime
- Murders someone but gets away with it (BUT WILL IT BE THE MIME WHO HE MURDERS?!??!)
- Dies his hair black
- Something involving penguins, maybe?
- Writes a screenplay that will later become the feature film Ghostbusters
- Takes a second job as an assistant to a local tailor
- Finds an intriguing personal ad, answers it, only to find out it was placed by his wife
- Lands the big Canada account
- His cousin Daffy dies in a yachting accident
- Gets fat
Joan “Red” Harris
- Seduces a cocky young astronaut named Neil Armstrong
- Makes a fortune after she invents the mechanical pencil
- Briefly becomes caught up with a group of leftist environmentalists, leaves when she learns that all they really want to do is live on an organic farm
- Quits to teach a charm school, returns to SCDP after Bert Cooper agrees to give her a Rothko
Don’s Wife (You Don’t Remember Her Name Either. Something with an “M” I think. Mamie? Madeline? Melinda?)
- Has a lesbian experience with the co-star of her shampoo commercial
- Develops a fascination with Baltimore Bullets forward Gus “Honeycomb” Johnson, plastering his poster all over what had been a tastefully decorated apartment
- Reads Speed Racer in the original Japanese
- Develops agoraphobia
- Begins frequenting a local pool hall and hustling marks
- Gets acupuncture
- Gets an STD
- Goes to a few pro-war protests to impress her new boyfriend (Donald Glover)
“Wooooaaah Fat” Betty “Ramalam” Draper-Francis
- Has a heart attack while singing a seductive version of The Big Bopper’s “Chantilly Lace” for her husband
- A neighbor’s child drowns on her watch, causing her to reassess nothing
- Has a recurring dream of being chased by a monster through New York City until she is rescued by Ken Cosgrove
- Sees Don naked
- Skips school to go on a trip to Katz’s Deli with her new Jewish friend; doesn’t see what the fuss is about
- Calls Don “Weekend Dad” after he forbids her to stay up and watch The Ed Sullivan Show
- Writes regular letters to Art Garfunkel
And now for the boldest, unlikeliest prediction of all…
- Overcomes her shoddy upbringing to become a well-adjusted, caring adult