Stop Everything and Buy Jennifer Lawrence’s Sports Bra: Inside the Magical World Of Internet Auction Houses

Oh yes? Oh yes. And at $1,355, this is a bargain. You’ll have money left over to buy her custom vanilla stretchy pants.

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But it’s not just stuff for perverts on sale at the totally legit-sounding Nate D. Sanders Fine Autographs and Memorabilia. People, Nate D. Sanders Fine Autographs and Memorabilia is the greatest website in the history of websites. Don’t believe me? Here’s a partial rundown of the magnificent purchasables.

Business Card of Fidel Castro, Havana Lawyer ($390)

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At a certain point, every well connected businessman has to ask himself, “Am I building a rolodex, or am I fucking around here?” Well, if you’re not fucking around, how about adding a Cuban dictator to your contacts list? That’ll show Tony in Accounts Receivable.

Verdict: Buy immediately. Sell off all other possessions if necessary.

Allen Ginsberg Postcard ($100)

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There’s also this 1981 letter from Allen Ginsberg, who wrote that poem about a gay wolf or something. Here’s his assessment of Eastern Europe:

Peter & I are back from couple months…Hungary-Austria-Switzerland-Germany-made little money but saw a lot – Red Lands not good, Hungary pretty dreary bureaucracy – I guess communism just doesn’t work.

So sry abt opprsive gov’ts. Bttr luck next time in re: having freedom.

VERDICT: Buy. Because your government allows you to.

Adolf Hitler’s (Presumably Anti-Semitic) Change of Address Form ($55,000 OBO)

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I don’t know if I’d have this in my home if someone paid me $55,000. Seriously, who wants to own this? Do Nazis still have that kind of disposable income? Even if for some reason I wanted to own this, I’d feel very uneasy about putting money in the pocket of whoever owned this in the first place. Gross. Instead, invest the money in a time machine so you can go back in time and kill Hitler.

Verdict: Strong pass

Some Dude’s Oscar ($37,541)

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Lewis R. Foster died about 40 years ago, so I’m not sure which of his shiftless relatives is selling this bad boy off, but the lucky buyer will not only be getting this statue with its solid Belgian marble base, but the seller notes the real valuable part of the asset: “Underside is lined with green felt.”

Verdict: Buy. Because it costs a lot more than that to buy one the traditional way.

Wynonna Judd’s Billboard Award ($1,000)

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If you’re going to buy someone else’s award, shell out for the Oscar. You won’t regret it.

Verdict: Pass

Jessica Alba’s Soiled Coat ($121)

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Apparently in 2008, Jessica Alba was in a movie called The Eye that evidently required her to dress like that reporter lady from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. In any case, I’m pretty sure that if you wanted to buy this coat at a store it would cost you more than $121, and yet the only thing wrong with this is the “Light soiling to the right pocket flap.” As such, the only reasonable conclusion is that this coat is less valuable for having been worn by Jessica Alba in a movie.

Verdict: Buy

Harmon Killebrew’s Cancelled Checks ($390)

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I mean… there isn’t a lamer way to get someone’s autograph, is there?

Verdict: Pass

David Crosby’s Cape ($1,774)

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When you buy David Crosby’s cape, you think you’ll wear it all the time: to dinner parties, to nights out on the town, even just lounging at home. But the truth is, it really it just sits in your closet.

Verdict: Pass

JFK Mistress Blaze Starr Letters ($500 and $500)

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The problem with buying stuff from an ex-stripper is that well, they’re not necessarily the most reliable sources. Still, her claim that JFK told her (read this part in JFK voice for full effect) “If Fidel Castro had something like you, he would think more about making Love, and less about making war” is pretty fantastic.

Verdict: Buy

Franz Kafka’s Enveloping Envelope of Sadness ($16,000 OBO)

So, this item is listed as “Envelope Once Containing Letter to His Fiancee, Listing the Reasons Why He Could Not Marry Her,” which sounds exciting, but for the fact that it doesn’t contain that letter, just the envelope. What were his reasons? Fortunately, through extensive sleuthing, I found the whole list, and it’s a doozy.

  • Life is meaningless

Oh, just the one, I guess.

Verdict: Pass

William McKinley’s Deathpaper ($148)

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There’s a couple important things that are important and great about this paper: 1) that “McKinley” is abbreviated to “M’Kinley.” 2) that the entire page is devoted to like a dozen different stories, but they’re all about the assassination. And most importantly, 3) that one of the most important things the newspaper reports to a concerned nation in this harrowing time, is that M’Kinley DIED LIKE A MAN. What a boss. I can only assume that means he grimaced, made no deathbed speech, and refused both medical care and to show affection to loved ones.

Verdict: Buy

JFK’s Ticket to Some Thing He Would’ve Gone To If He Didn’t Get Shot ($148)

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For sale
Texas Welcome Dinner Ticket
Never used

Verdict: Pass

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