Today in News: Japan is Weird

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A member of a Japanese girl group shaved her head and issued a tearful apology for violating the group’s no-dating rule after she was seen leaving a boy’s apartment. In keeping with Japanese tradition, she will confine all further romantic relationships to sex robots and tentacled sea creatures.

Scientists say there is no cause for panic as a large asteroid is scheduled to harmlessly fly by earth. After hearing of yet another false alarm, a disgruntled Steven Tyler threw down his microphone in disgust and declared he was now willing to Miss A Thing.

A recent study showed that young adults commonly get back together with their exes–meaning the next decade of Taylor Swift songs are going to be really repetitive.

It was revealed that four step-grandchildren of former Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels are billionaires. The grandchildren have remained private out of concerns over negative publicity, noting that the gene for using pure evil to manipulate public opinion skips two generations.

A couple of college students have invented a new Facebook app, which is designed to facilitate anonymous hookups among Facebook friends. The app is said to be an improvement over the previous way to hook up over the internet with nobody finding out: MySpace.

An atheist teenager in Rhode Island says several local florists refused to send flowers that had been ordered for her. The florists say they’ve already sent the flowers, but the teenager insists they haven’t. To which the florists replied that the teenager is just going through a phase, and when she grows up and has children of her own, she’ll understand she doesn’t know everything, now go to your room.

The remains of King Richard III were found under a parking lot in England. Richard was believed to have been a fierce warrior, skilled military commander, and amazing parallel parker.

Dell Computers is going private after global technology investment firm Silver Lake combined with Dell founder Michael Dell and Microsoft to come up with the $24.4 billion to buy up all the outstanding shares, narrowly outbidding the Dude You’re Getting A Dell Guy’s offer of $33, a beanbag chair, and movie rights to his life story, tentatively titled Dell Hath No Fury.

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I thought I was getting Adele :/

Jon Favreau, Barack Obama’s head speechwriter is leaving his job. Said Obama, “Jon Favreau make good words me talk speech America, Bald Eagles, freedom, clean coal.”

A study suggests that neanderthals went extinct much earlier than previously believed. Some people are skeptical of this study, noting that Vin Diesel will be appearing in a sixth Fast & Furious movie.

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