Who Is the Most Airportworthy San Franciscan?

So some guy is making a move to rename San Francisco International Airport after Harvey Milk, which is all well and good except this renaming will somehow cost between $50,000 and $250,000, and if San Francisco is only going to have one airport, we best make sure it’s named after the best possible person (even though nobody will care about this name change and we can all just go on calling it SFO). And surely there are more notable San Franciscans who deserve to have an airport named after them, right? Right? Right.

Mayor Willie Brown


His case:

  • So very dapper
  • Wrote an incredible memoir, in which he says “I’ve known and appeared with many women during my 50 years of married life and I have never been ostracized or barred from full participation in the social environment because I was with a variety of women” AND “You really shouldn’t try to get through a public day wearing just one thing. … Sometimes, I change clothes four times a day” AND “I sat down with these [gang leaders] and told them, ‘You want to do your killings? Do it in Oakland. Do it in Richmond. Do it elsewhere. But don’t do killing in San Francisco. It reflects badly on a black mayor.” Civic pride!
  • Was in The Godfather Pt. III
  • Once called 49ers backup quarterback Elvis Grbac “an embarrassment to humankind.”
  • Probably visits the shoeshine at the airport on a regular basis anyway

The case against him:

The guy who once called 49ers backup quarterback Elvis Grbac “an embarrassment to humankind” probably shouldn’t be the face of San Francisco for generations to come.

Singer Tony Bennett


His case:

To say his case pretty much rests on one song is unfair. We’re not talking about Scott effin’ McKenzie here, this is Anthony Dominick Benedetto, winner of 17 Grammys and owner of the penetrating glare you see in the picture above. But really it is about that one song, and nothing creates the hint of lost romance and regret that makes a perfect airporty mood quite like “I Left My Heart in San Francisco”

The case against him:

His nude portrait of Lady Gaga kinda sucks. Also, he drew a nude portrait of Lady Gaga.

Tony Bennett Lady Gaga

Pitcher Barry Zito


I mean, obviously they can’t name the airport after Barry Zito, but I wanted to run that picture. Let’s move on to more realistic candidates.

Serial Killer The Zodiac Killer


His case:

The Zodiac killer has killed between 5 and 37 people, got his nickname because he would send taunting ciphers to local news outlets, which seems cliched now, but at the time was very innovative. Was part of the America’s Most Wanted segment that terrified me the most as a child because his murders remain unsolved, his identity unknown, and he could decide he wants to start murdering again in the Bay Area at any point. As such, he might murder you if you don’t name the airport after him.

The case against him:

Boo serial killers.

So yeah, maybe Harvey Milk is the best option here.

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