The Great KFC Jewel Thief Caper of 2013

Screen Shot 2013-01-10 at 6.46.48 PMThere are few professions that I think I have a less realistic impression of than that of jewel thief. Here’s what I think being a jewel thief is typically like:

You start off as a rough and tumble kid, then you’re taken under the wing of a Crusty Older Jewel Thief who had left the game, except for this one last chance. At the big score. Then you train in his hideout for a while, eventually winning his respect and learning from the greatest thief of his generation. Or maybe you gather a dozen or so of your closest friends, each with their own expertises and back stories that will all prove essential. Even the explosives guy, who, you would think is really not that important in a field that demands minimal detection. Or maybe you’re just a mischievous rich guy looking to have a little fun, perhaps to settle some sort of wager or win a contest with your other rich guy friends, but really to impress an ex-girlfriend who you never stopped loving.

The point is, for this job, a little lock picking, spraying security cameras and shutting down alarm systems isn’t going to be enough to get it done. You’ll have to get on a sexy skintight catsuit. Or maybe a $5,000 suit. You’re also going to have to do that kickass thing where you lower yourself from a building like in Mission Impossible. And then go through an electronic version of those things that football players high step through to increase their agility as Crusty Older Jewel Thief continues to stare at your ass. And come the day of the actual thievery, you’ll put all your training to use, then hang glide out of the top floor of the world’s tallest building in Kuala Lumpur to freedom.

After we entirely skip over the part where you somehow convert some of the world’s rarest, most valuable jewels into cash by presumably selling them at the local pawn shop or to an eccentric billionaire–nobody can bail you out of a jam quite like an eccentric billionaire–you settle into a beach-based retirement. If this is a small indie film: a robot takes care of you in your old age.

Regrettably, our real life jewel thieves are not so conniving as this. Except for you, Doris Payne. You are the greatest. These days it’s pretty much a two phase plan. Phase one: rob a jewelry store. Phase two: tell ’em make me a grill.

Still, I’d like to take a moment to commend a team of intrepid jewel thieves in Australia, where petty crime is something of a national past time. The men, Peter Welsh, 32, and Dwyane Doolan, 31, who decided now is the time to make their move on Beaudesert’s Wrights Jewelers. It did not go well.

[H]apless thieves intent on robbing the jewellery store burrowed through the wall of a common toilet at the rear of the premises.

But instead of entering the jewellery store they found themselves inside the Animal Welfare League charity shop where they stole a donation tin and a set of knives.

Nice! When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. And if at first you don’t succeed, well, your general okay-ness with knocking off an animal welfare charity is not really the kind of outlook that a lot of successful people have. So maybe work on changing that. Instead, these two mindas tried the exact same thing, with even stupider results.

Unperturbed, they again attempted to enter the jewellery store from the rear but this time found themselves in KFC where they went ahead and staged an impromptu robbery of two KFC workers.

Jewel Thief Mindas

This is like a real life version of the Three Little Pigs and the KFC was made out of straw–which, incidentally, makes excellent chicken feed. However, this all turns into a modern Greek tragedy for our heroes, who can spend their prison terms considering how they didn’t try a slightly less convoluted entry point into the jewelry store.

Then about 1.30am on Thursday, January 3, the jewellery store was once again targeted when two [different] men smashed their way through the front door before stealing a large quantity of jewellery and other items.

Apparently Occam’s razor can cut through locks.

So, to sum up, after our heroes’ attempts to burrow through a wall and tunnel into the jewelry store failed, some jerks just waltzed through the front door and took a bunch of jewels and left without the slightest detection. The perfect crime! But the good news for our busted criminals is that while they are horrible, horrible jewel thieves, they should be pretty good at tunneling out of prison.

*This applies to Catherine Zeta-Jones only. The caption for the picture on the top is exactly as it appears on the wikipedia page for the film Entrapment.

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One thought on “The Great KFC Jewel Thief Caper of 2013

  1. […] There’s not much I enjoy more than a good heist. There’s something very swaggadocious about going in and just taking someone’s stuff. It usually takes a good deal of planning–assembling a team, training, getting the blueprints and knowing every inch of the place you’re knocking over and then seeing it all come together and end in a perfect getaway. […]

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