Meet the Rest of the Presidential Candidates

There are far too many issues that are simply not adequately addressed in a two-party system. But good news, mofos, we’re not in a two-party system. This is America, home of the Democrats, the Republicans, the Democratic-Republicans, the Know-Nothings, the Bull Moose Party and many more. We’ve got parties to address issues you didn’t even know we had. Issues like: is it the place of government to help poor people? Should alcohol be legal? Do we really want a president whose face is tattooed on a C-list actor’s chest? And wait, that guy said what about Jews?

Sure, no party other than the Democrats and Republicans has had a candidate even win a congressional election since 1970, but still. This is the year one of these guys or gals breaks through, I can feel it! So who do we have?

Gary Johnson (Libertarian)

What’s his deal?

That he’s the former governor of New Mexico might belie his position on government (against). Failed to apprehend Heisenberg, however his position on the drug war (again, against) probably played a factor there. He’s a libertarian, which means fewer government services and lower taxes.

Notable endorsements:

Penn from Penn & Teller.

You should vote for him if:

You hate the government. You believe the Republicans should get Nader’d. You believe that the right to as many guns and kilos of cocaine as you can carry in your satchel is a God-given right.

You should not vote for him if:

You enjoy paying taxes OR having a public school system. You believe firefighting should not be privatized.

Merlin Miller (American Third Position)

What’s his deal?

Miller got his MFA in Cinema/Television from USC in 1985 and most notably directed a TV movie one time. Not long after, his political views Took a Turn, and let’s just say he’s not a fan of “the Jewish-Zionist control of our mainstream media.” And he recently met with the misunderstood Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and received a book of poetry as a gift. D’awww.

Notable endorsements:

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and that guy who directed Birth of a Nation, probably

You should vote for him if:

You really shouldn’t vote for this guy, even if he probably knows Wilford Brimley from that TV movie he made.

You should not vote for him if:

You are Jewish, have Jewish friends, don’t care for anti-Semitism, or are a member of an elite cabal of bankers in Zurich.

Dr. Jill Stein (Green)

What’s her deal?

The Green Party. The party of Ralph Nader and buzzkill-ism in general. She lost to Mitt Romney in 2002 when she was the Green Party’s nominee for Governor of Massachusetts. Here’s a fun story about that campaign from Wikipedia:

In an effort to prevent losing votes Democratic to Stein, Arlington School Committee member Paul Schlichtman purchased the rights to jillstein.org and diverted the page to omitmitt.com, which stated that “A vote for Jill Stein just brings you four more years of Weld-Cellucci-Swift-Romney-Healey business as usual.

Notable endorsements:

Noam Chomsky

You should vote for her if:

You want to read lots of headlines that make reference to “It’s Not Easy Being Green” over the next four years.

You should not vote for her if:

You thought Hurricane Sandy was “just a spot of bad weather.”

Tom Hoefling (America’s Party)

This is the first result from a Google Images search of “Tom Hoefling”

What’s his deal?

America’s Party, formerly the American Independent Party is the party of noted segregationist Alabama Gov. George Wallace, and more recently, Alan Keyes, who is black, but also is Alan Keyes. So, not exactly a proud history there. When I say I could design a better website than them, I actually think I could design a better website than them. Look at this thing! Space Jam’s still-existing website is more modern-looking than that. Also, their chairman’s email is mark@masterplanner.com, which seems pretty, um, insensitive.

Notable endorsements

None.

You should vote for him if:

You’re in favor of…I don’t even know what to call this…re-segregation? Disintegration?

You should not vote for him if:

You believe our president should have a webpage that looks better than an average MySpace page.

Virgil Goode (Constitution)

What’s his deal?

Former Democratic and Republican Congressman from Virginia. Goode has opposed increasing legalized immigration on the grounds that it will admit people “not from European countries.” In response to Minnesota representative Keith Ellison swearing in on a Qu’ran, Goode wrote in a letter to a constituent, “if American citizens don’t wake up and adopt the Virgil Goode position on immigration there will likely be many more Muslims elected to office and demanding the use of the Quran.” Ellison, naturally, is not an immigrant. Goode is also an ardent defender of the tobacco industry:

Goode’s speeches on behalf of tobacco are legendary in Richmond, where lobbyists recall his concern that his elderly mother would be denied “the one last pleasure” of smoking a cigarette on her hospital deathbed.

You should vote for him if:

You light your Marlboros with the pages of a burning Qu’ran. Or if you believe that a political party should model its logo off that of The Colbert Report, only made in Word Art and shittier.

You should not vote for him if:

You demand racism a little more subtle than restricting immigration to keep people “not from European countries” out.

Peta Lindsay (Party of Socialism and Liberation)

What’s her deal?

Peta Lindsay was born in 1985 which would seem to provide a bit of a roadblock on her road to the White House in that she’s not “eligible” to be president. So, yeah. Also, she’s currently pursuing a Master’s in Education at USC, so I hope she and Merlin Miller run into each other at a reunion and they both find it hard to believe that they’ve both spent 2008 running no-chance presidential campaigns.

You should vote for her if:

You want to throw away your vote in the most emphatic way possible. You want to vote for the best-looking candidate.

You should not vote for her if:

You believe the president should have seen Porky’s in theaters.

Rocky Anderson (Justice)

What’s his deal?

Rocky Anderson was the Mayor of Salt Lake City, so he’s a former Republican Democrat, socially conservative liberal Mormon agnostic. Wait, what? What the hell is going on, Salt Lake City? In any case, our man Rocky is basically a libertarian without the guns. He favors ending the drug war, LGBT rights, immigration reform, and ending our war wars. So, um, yeah.

You should vote for him if:

Don’t take it from me, just listen to this extremely charismatic guy!

Also, his name and affiliation with Justice makes him seem like a superhero.

You should not vote for him if:

You’re still upset about Ivan Drago’s defeat.

Tom Stevens (Objectivist)

[NOT PICTURED BECAUSE PICTURES ARE A COLLABORATIVE EFFORT AND THE OBJECTIVISTS SHUN THAT]

What’s his deal?

You know how lots of teenagers read Atlas Shrugged and go through a little objectivist phase where they’re just absolutely certain capitalism is purely just and poor people are simply lazy drains on society? While most outgrow it, some do not, thus, the Objectivist Party whose bold “10% flat tax” proposal would basically spell the end of government, so get out your pails, New Yorkers and get to baling. That city’s not going to drain itself.

You should vote for him if:

You hate others. You thought you were voting for Dean Martin impressionist Tom Stevens.

You should not vote for him if:

You’ve ever sang a duet with someone on a karaoke machine or given to a charity (they only prop up the weak, after all).

Roseanne Barr (Peace & Freedom)

What’s her deal?

Yes, it’s that Roseanne. The one with the TV show in the ’90s and the horrible, horrible rendition of the national anthem. Her chief policy proposal is that Roseanne Barr should be on TV more.

You should vote for her if:

You believe that having your face tattooed on Tom Arnold is “Presidential.”

You should not vote for her if:

You believe that having your face tattooed on Tom Arnold is “not Presidential.”

Lowell “Jack” Fellure (Prohibition)

What’s his deal?

Guess how he feels about alcohol! (He is against alcohol). He also believes America is “being destroyed by atheists, Marxists, liberals, queers, liars, draft-dodgers, flag-burners, dope addicts, sex perverts, and anti-Christians.” To be fair, these statements are sixteen years old. I don’t think draft-dodgers are as much of a problem any more. Also, what other kind of perverts are there? His platform is the King James Bible.

You should vote for him if:

You admire Iran’s government, but wish it had a more Christian flavor.

You should not vote for him if:

You enjoy the freedom of never wondering “Will this lead to me getting stoned to death?”

Andre Barnett (Reform)

What’s his deal?

The former softcore gay fitness model (don’t worry, the link is safe) is now the head of the party of Ross Perot. His modeling experience really paid off in the form of the steeliest gaze of any candidate. He’s been said to bore holes through concrete with a single look. According to his official page, he is endorsed by the “Fredrick Douglas Foundation” which, I guess might be related to Frederick Douglass, but probably isn’t. Also, his selling point is that his complete lack of governing experience means he is “pure and untainted” like a morning snow.

You should vote for him if:

You liked Ross Perot, but wish he has stronger pecs. Or if you’re a supporter of Scott Brown and don’t want to look hypocritical.

You should not vote for him if:

You believe the middle name “Nigel” is suspicious and a possible sign that his loyalty is to Britain.

Stewart Alexander (Socialist Party USA)

What’s his deal?

Believes “Socialism is the common ownership of the means of production.” Isn’t that communism? I thought that was communism.

You should vote for him if:

You find this picture endearing.

You should not vote for him if:

You’d rather not have all your property seized by the government.

Jerome “Jerry” White (Socialist Equality)

What’s his deal?

Say what you will about the insane, usually racist right wing candidates, but there is a greater variety there. All the leftist candidates are pretty much the same version of an anti-war socialist.

You should vote for him if:

You prefer your socialists to have a “condescending professor” look to them.

You should not vote for him if:

You don’t like that he dresses like Dwight Schrute.

James Harris (Socialist Workers)

What’s his deal?

This dude’s just a straight up old-fashioned commie. As per Wikipedia, his party is strongly supportive of Cuba, which renders him ineligible to manage the Miami Marlins.

You should vote for him if:

You feel like it’d be fun to work on a farm, but only if everyone else was also working on that same farm with you.

You should not vote for him if:

You enjoy being able to buy toilet paper at your own leisure.

Also since this will be my last politics post before the election, let me be the first to wish a hearty thanks to Joe Biden for being a constant source of amusement. Here’s one more Biden for the road. Stay golden, Joe-ny boy, stay golden.

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2 thoughts on “Meet the Rest of the Presidential Candidates

  1. kita says:

    As a loyal, yea fervent, VooDoo fan I must voice disappoint that you have withheld this sage posting until the last vital breaths before the polls open.

    I could have been savoring this compendium of political goofballs even as I marked my official mail-in ballot and wondered for the dozenth (can’t help it – I’ve been impelled to fool around with changing word functions lately) how signing the OUTSIDE of the envelope containing my ballot was going to authenticate my vote.

    And now it’s too late. My envelope has been signed and sent.

    But it is a stupendous post.

    Possibly my very favorite. It gets my vote!

  2. Joe B. says:

    There’s never been a day in the last year that I have enjoyed your blog!

    (the ultimate complement!)

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