As anyone with a massive iTunes library can tell you, there isn’t always time enough to listen to everything. But what songs are so un-noteworthy as to have a play count of zero? In my case, a lot of them, so much so that my original plan of detailing all of them is just too much work. (NB: the 0 play count is from when I got a new computer about a year ago, much of my music library is much older than that).
Still, I felt the need to provide a partial breakdown of my un-listened-to songs. But first, a few get lumped into categories:
1. Wait, that’s the only song I have from them?
Al Green – Love and Happiness
Beach Boys – Feel Flows
For reasons beyond me, these are the only Al Green and Beach Boys songs I have. Not “Let’s Stay Together” and “Good Vibrations,” these two somewhat random ones.
2. Disappointing Other CDs
Animal Collective – Fall Be Kind EP
“My Girls” is a legitimately great song. The rest of Merriweather Post Pavillion is fine too. But a man has his limits when it comes to electro-drone, or whatever this is.
Los Campesinos! – We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed
I mean, Hold On Youngster… was my jam in 2007 or whatever. It got them a Budweiser commercial! This CD though… not so much.
The Magnetic Fields – Distortion
With so many better things to choose from in their oeuvre, I’ll pass on their weird electronic album.
Wolf Parade – At Mount Zoomer, Expo 86
Somehow these were both infinitely worse than Apologies to the Queen Mary, which was awesome. Music seems hard to make.
3. I’ll Just Watch The Damn Video
Falco – Rock Me Amadeus
If, for whatever reason I decide I need to hear Rock Me Amadeus, I might as well watch the technicolor video as well.
Not the actual video, mind you, but the one with Bert & Ernie and the rest of the gang singing along
Men Without Hats – The Safety Dance
Yeah, a midget dancing around a maypole getting whacked on the ass as a guy looks on, dead serious. I’m going to go ahead and watch that.
4. I’d Rather Listen to the Song It’s Sampled In
Isley Brothers – Between the Sheets
To all the ladies in the place with style and grace.
Lakeside – Fantastic Voyage
I’m convinced that if Coolio had picked anything other than the worst rapper name of all time he could’ve had a much longer career.
Steel Pulse – Blues Dance Raid
To answer your question, “Jamaican Joint” by Cam’ron
Ok, now onto the general list of songs I’ve never listened. Let’s do this!
5. Alanis Morisette – Ironic
Just because you can download a song, doesn’t mean you should. In the early days of having all of humanity’s musical output at my fingertips, I foolishly believed that I could (or should) have an effective database of pretty much any notable song. Oh, you want to hear “She Blinded Me with Science”? No problem! Given that YouTube now exists, this is a far less essential piece of the iTunes than it seemed at the time. Nevertheless some relics from this period still exist.
6. Barry Polisar – All I Want is You
Oh, Juno Soundtrack.
7. Atlas Sound – Logos (CD)
“Walkabout” is my jam. The rest of this? Trash!
8. B-Legit – Ghetto Smile
A rap song that heavily samples Hall & Oates’ “Sara Smile” sounds great in theory. But it’s not really something that you’re going to want to sit around and listen to, really.
9. Baby Bash – I’m Back
What the hell is wrong with me? This song rules. I’ll be back in 3:48.
10. Beth Orton – Worms
So goofy. And major bonus points for being right around two minutes long.
11. The Fiery Furnaces – Tropical Ice-Land
Tropical Icy Land!
12. Beastie Boys – Various Songs
I feel like I have these out of some sort of obligation. Beastie Boys songs are pretty much always unpleasant to listen to.
13. Beck – 41 different songs
I just… don’t really have an explanation here. I think I got all of most off of the late great Mojo, which allowed you to steal the music of anyone on the same internet connection as you.
14. Ben Folds – Such Great Heights
Who wants a Ben Folds cover? His voice kinda sucks. He did write the best tribute to abortion ever though, so there’s that.
15. Bill Callahan – Sometimes I Wish I Were An Eagle (CD)
This was a very well-reviewed CD that I kinda tried to talk myself into for a while there before realizing how boring it is. Also, he has the same name as that crappy Raiders coach.
16. Bing Crosby – Let It Snow and White Christmas
Just because I’m under the age of 128 doesn’t mean I can’t have a couple of the Bingster’s songs. But it does mean I can never listen to them.
17. Bonnie Tyler – Total Eclipse of the Heart
A seven minute song is fine as background noise, but this song is a goddamn emotional roller coaster. I can’t handle more than three minutes of this before I’m sobbing uncontrollably and clutching a broken picture frame, wondering, “What if…”
18. Boston – More Than A Feeling
For some reason, stadium rock doesn’t really translate that well to the home computing experience.
19. British Sea Power – The Decline of British Sea Power, Do You Like Rock Music?, Open Season, Valhalla Dancehall (CDs)
Sometimes a band has such a good name that I will give them chance after chance to earn their way into the rotation. Believe me, there’s nothing I’d like better than to listen to a CD called The Decline of British Sea Power by a band called British Sea Power. Doesn’t that sound great? Sure it does! But… as you may have figured out from these album titles, they can be a little too pretentious and overly dramatic.
20. Bun B – Trill Recognize Trill Ft. Ludacris
A point on iTunes organization: any featured artists (in this case, Ludacris) should always be listed in the song title so that the song will appear with the rest of the primary artist’s oeuvre. Also, you should have as few genres as possible for more manageable searching (I have four). Anyway, this song’s a trip, so enjoy.
21. Cadillac Don & J-Money – Peanut Butter & Jelly
I really should listen to this because 1) it’s probably the only rap song that has a legitimate “Merrily We Roll Along”-style round in it, and also for the calypso steel drums. Don’t sleep on steel drums.
22. Cam’ron – Bottom of the Pussy
I love Cam’ron, but sometimes a gentleman has to be a conscientious objector to a song.
23. Carly Simon – Nobody Does it Better
Except for pretty much anyone else who ever made a James Bond theme song. I think I might have decided at one point that I should have every Bond theme. Did you know the theme to Moonraker is called… Moonraker? And is sung by Shirley Bassey. It sounds exactly like you’d think it would.
24. Casiotone for the Painfully Alone – Etiquitte (CD)
Once you establish a reputation as a music wizard, people will sometimes ask you to steal songs for them. Thus, this.
25. Cassie – Me & U Remix Ft. Diddy & Yung Joc
I pretty much only have this because at point Diddy says “Iller than Illinoise, the Bad Boys.”
26. Celine Dion – My Heart Will Go On
See: Total Eclipse of the Heart
27. Chevelle – Send the Pain Below
Legitimately no idea how this is here. That they’re described by Wikipedia as an “alternative metal band” should be enough of a red flag.
28. Chris Brown – Run It Ft. Juelz Santana
I have an excuse in that I had it long before he had proven that he beats women. No excuse for why I have a song this shitty though.
29. Cory Brannan – Mutt (CD)
No idea what this is. It sounds sorta country-ish. I may have to listen to this at some point to decide if I will murder it off of my iTunes. It’s pretty satisfying to download a bunch of music, then arbitrarily decide you don’t like something and delete it. “Bad news, Portishead, you’re not even good enough for me to pay $0 to own your CD.”
30. Craig David – 7 Days
Couldn’t he have sung a rewritten version of this at the closing ceremonies?
31. Cute is What We Aim For – Moan
This hipster bullshit is some hipster bullshit.
32. D4L – Laffy Taffy
It’s funny to imagine what the members of D4L are up to whenever I scroll by this, I have a good laugh (in my head. I’m not laughing out loud by myself like some lunatic.) Anyway, Laffy Taffy was the number one song in America. Think about that.
33. Daddy Yankee – Gasolina
Because of this, Daddy Yankee > Pitbull forever. Enjoy Alaska.
34. Danity Kane – Show Stopper
Any band that came from the process that accepts only the finest breastmilks can’t be that bad.
35. Earth – Angels of Darkness (CD)
Whenever a CD is four songs with an average length over 10 minutes. Go ahead and don’t bother.
36. Eazy E – Boyz-n-tha-Hood, Dope Man
If you want people to listen to your songs, keep them under 6 minutes. Also, finda way to posthumously prevent your daughter dating Jeremy Tyler.
37. Eddy Grant – Electric Avenue
The “Monster Mash” of the 1980s.
38. Extreme – More than Words
More than werrrrds. Extreme!
39. Fastball – Out of My Head
That’s right, Fastball’s other song! The response we were looking for was The Way. What is the Way.
40. The Federation – Donkey
For some reason, my copy of this song has period “106 KMEL” ads on it. Not the best copy. Still, the Bay swag is undeniable.
41. Fiona Apple – Tidal (CD)
This list is bullshit.
42. The Game – 300 Bars & Runnin’
15 minutes of The Game insulting 50 Cent is about as enjoyable as it sounds, which is to say, kinda, with severely diminishing returns.
43. Ginuwine – In Those Jeans
Given the choice between this song and “Pony” it’s no goddamn contest.
44. Harvey Danger – Flagpole Sitta
This is one of those ’90s songs that had a really distinct and unique sound (I’d throw “Sex and Candy” and Edwyn Collins’ “A Girl Like You” in there too) that sorta doomed its band to being a one-hit wonder. Pity.
45. House of Pain – Jump Around
Did someone say ’90s one-hit wonder?
46. I Wayne – Can’t Satisfy Her
If Borat was about a Jamaican, I’m pretty sure he would write this, a song about an underage prostitute, with the chorus “One man can’t satisfy her // she needs more wood for the fire.” How do you even parody this? Problematically, this is a really good song though!
47. Jim Jones – Electric Feel Remix Ft. MGMT
In case you wanted to hear Jim Jones rapping over Electric Feel, now’s your chance.
48. Jimmy Eat World – Bleed American (CD)
I never really even liked, um, JEW when they were popular, so I’m not really sure what compelled me to get this. Maybe I was brainwashed by a Honda commercial that used “The Middle” or something.
49. Joe – Stutter Remix Ft. Mystikal
I’m doing just fine with the un-remixed version, thank you. I don’t think this song about confronting a cheating girlfriend was missing a deranged lunatic shouting with no rhythm or regard for the listener, but thanks for adding Mystikal anyway.
50. John Brown – Sarah Palin (I Wanna Lay Pipe)
Anytime you can get topical rappin’s from someone from The (white) Rapper Show, yeah, you should probably go ahead and skip it.
51. Johnny Cash – Ring of Fire
I know this song well enough to never need to listen to it. I’m not the only one who thought Ring of Fire was a better name for his biopic than Walk the Line, right?
52. Joshua Jones – Losing My Religion
I think “slowed down and mopey” is my least favorite style of cover.
53. Kelis – Milkshake
It’s hard to remember that this is a super compelling, fast-paced and mildly intimidating song, beyond even the frozen dairy-based imagery, but it is.
54. Lil Boosie – Independent Ft. Lil Phat & Webbie
I give this song credit for spelling out the entire word “Independent” but it’s about as awkward as it sounds like it’d be.
55. Lloyd Banks – Karma
Remember what I said about Coolio having the worst rapper name ever? Well, meet Lloyd Banks. And that’s not even his real name! I get the banks=money thing, but make up a new first name for yourself, you dope. In any case, this song probably would have been a huge hit that swept the nation and had a cool dance attached to it if his name weren’t effing Lloyd Banks.
56. Mates of State – True Love Will Find You In the End
If we’re doing covers, I prefer the Beck version.
57. Men At Work – Land Down Under
I was thinking of The Safety Dance by Men Without Hats.
58. Mike Jones – Still Tippin’ Ft. Slim Thug & Paul Wall
An oversight on my part to not have listened to this… this song launched a brief renaissance for Houston rap and also gets bonus points for the most menacing use of violin ever.
59. Mungo Jerry – In The Summertime
Nobody ever really gave me a good explanation for the lyric “Have a drink, have a drive.” Were things that different in 1970? I have to wait like three years for Mad Men to get there, so someone please just tell me.
60. Nada Surf – There is a Light that Never Goes Out
I’m pretty much always interested in a cover of a Smiths song because they have a pretty good songwriting skill to performing ratio, which makes covers of their songs appealing. This one’s lacking though. I’m all about this goofy-ass cover of “Half a Person” if these things interest you.
61. Nas – Ether
Important, but not really that enjoyable of a listen once you get over how funny it is when he calls Jay-Z a camel.
62. Nelly – Air Force Ones, Grillz Ft. Paul Wall, Pimp Juice
I feel like Nelly’s body of work actually holds up pretty well considering his reputation was never even that good back in the day.
63. Nump – Grapes Ft. The Federation & E-40
64. Omarion – Ice Box
I have nothing but shame that this is on my computer.
65. Orgy – Blue Monday
It’s not that I liked late-’90s alternative metal, it’s just… I don’t know what to say. No excuses.
66. Outkast – Idlewild Blues
Bad Andre 3000 is bad.
67. Pavement – Summer Babe (Winter Version)
Another beloved, allegedly important thing from before my time that I Don’t Get. See also: Star Wars.
68. Pearl Jam – Even Flow
I can’t listen to this song in seriousness. EEEEEEEOOOOOOOSloppywannadingdonginahurdle today uhhhhyeah.
69. Pete Rock & CL Smooth – They Reminisce Over You
They reminiscent over NBA Street Vol. 2.
70. Peter Gunz & Lord Tariq – Deja Vu (Uptown Baby)
They really got hosed when “Hips Don’t Lie” used the exact same horn sample. C’est La Vie!
71. Peter, Paul & Mary – I’m Leaving On a Jet Plane, Puff The Magic Dragon
What the fuck was I thinking? Under what circumstances would I want to listen to this? And as Hank Hill once said of Puff: “Do you know what that song’s about? A dragon.”
72. Petula Clark – Downtown
Just listen to the rhythm of a gentle bossa nova, y’all.
73. Pitbull – Culo
We already covered this, Daddy Yankee > Pitbull
74. A Place to Bury Strangers – Exploding Head (CD)
I really should be able to figure out which band names are metal band names, and yet, I’m surprisingly not good at it.
75. Pretty Ricky – On The Hotline
It’s always worth remembering that Pretty Ricky is a group, not an individual. I have this because I used to do a great impression of the guy from Pretty Ricky who went by the name of Spectacular. Trust me on this.
76. The Ramones – I Wanna Be Sedated
Speaking of biopics, Vincent Chase was terrible in this movie.
77. Rihanna – Umbrella Remix Ft. Jay-Z & Chris Brown
And there it is, the winner for the song least likely to ever be heard on the radio ever again!
78. Sammy Davis – The Candyman, Mr. Bojangles
It’d be weird if I was just hanging around listening to Mr. Bojangles, right? Yes. It would.
79. Shaggy – Mr. Bombastic, It Wasn’t Me
Did you know that Shaggy had a diamond record? That means 10 million copies. Shaggy! That really must make everyone in the music industry want to die.
80. Sigur Rós – Vio spilum endalaust
81. Sinead O’Connor – Nothing Compares 2 U
It’s been more than 7 hours and 15 days since I listened to this. If I were really rich, I would find a way to secure a picture of Pope John Paul II autographed by Sinead O’Connor. BTW, that whole ripping up a picture of the pope thing that kinda ruined her career in America… it was in protest of a molestation cover up in Ireland. So, um, Sinead, feel free to join the guy who wrote that “Bin Laden Determined to Attack in the US” memo on “Well, at Least I Was Right Island.
82. Snow – Informer
Another one I keep around for comic effect. I don’t think that in this age of the internet that a white Canadian rapper with an arbitrary fake Jamaican accent could have an unironic hit song, which is a pity. For one of those VH1 One Hit Wonder shows they went to visit Snow’s neighborhood in Canada, and the people talked about him as if he was a cross between Michael Jackson and Pablo Picasso. A licky boom boom down indeed.
83. Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em – Kiss Me Thru The Phone
Normally I’m a big believer that if you want to find a band’s best song, checking out their first hit is usually a good place to start. And obviously, Soulja Boy will forever be best known for his eponymous song and dance (and to a lesser extent, shouting out the slave masters). Fine. But this song is kinda the best. Leave your complaints at 678-999-8212.
84. Spiderbait – Black Betty
85. Stroke 9 – Little Black Backpack
Why is this song so emo? But the chorus has so many good interior rhymes going on.
86. Supergrass – Alright, Seen the Light
Alright is the best. It’s on my to-do list.
87. Supertramp – The Logical Song, Breakfast in America
Was once described as the biggest band that could walk down the street without being recognized. They have a sorta similar status on my iTunes.
88. Swans – We Rose From Your Bed with the Sun in Our Head (CD)
Anytime a CD’s genre is “Experimental,” move away as quickly as possible.
89. Syl Johnson – Concrete Reservation
This song’s chorus is “Here (in the ghetto) it’s a bad situation // Call it what you want, it’s just a concrete reservation.” It’s the blaxploitationiest rhyming lines possible, and I’m pretty sure the movie Jackie Brown was based on this song.
90. Taco – Puttin’ On the Ritz
Only in the ’80s could an Indonesian-German whose real name is in fact Taco have a hit with an electronica-infused Irving Berlin cover. I feel no shame for having this song, but maybe I should.
91. t.A.T.u – All the Things She Said
Speaking of things that are very, very period-specific, t.A.T.u. really rode the boy/girl group of the late-90s/early-2000s. Although maybe fake Russian lesbian schoolgirls is a more enduring organizing concept than I’m giving their creepy manager credit for.
92. TLC – Creep, Waterfalls
This is an oversight on my part. TLC’s Creep is definitely one of the best mid-’90s songs called “Creep.”
93. Trent Reznor – The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo Soundtrack (CD)
Featuring such hits as “Evil Men,” “Dark Mind,” and of course, “Rape.”
94. The Wallflowers – One Headlight
I stand by my contention that Jakob is the more talented Dylan. There, I said it.
95. Whitney Houston – I Will Always Love You
Once you’ve heard “And Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii…” you don’t really need to listen to anything else in this song.
96. Ying Yang Twins – Salt Shaker, Say I Yi Yi
It’s pretty tough to launch a written defense of having Ying Yang Twins songs on my iTunes. And yet, there they are, mocking me.
97. Young MC – Bust a Move
Yeah, the era of fun, non-threatening party rap really did not age well.
98. Yuck – Yuck (CD)
I honestly have no idea what this is. But it is terrible and noisy.
99. Yung Joc – Dope Boy Magic
This song gets huge bonus points for having a chorus that mentions ’95 Madden.
100. 112 – Peaches and Cream
Good good, what have I been doing with my life if not listening to that song. I’ve wasted a lifetime. * shakes head ruefully *