M. Night in the Garden of Good and Evil

It’s obviously no longer cool to like M. “Mid” Night Shyamalan, if it ever was. I mean, even The Sixth Sense was the kind of super duper earnest thing that people make fun of all the time these days. And being a mortal human whose time on this earth is not forever, I didn’t bother to see The Last Airbender or The Happening (whose villain, mind you, was THE WIND). But still, I can’t help but being excited by the Hollywood Reporter Hollywood Reporting that Shyamalan is making a foray into the brave old world of TV.

Proof centers on the son of a billionaire tech genius who, following an accident that claims his parents’ lives, offers a large reward for anyone who can find proof of life after death.

Um, quick question: is this about a toddler? Because I’m pretty sure all tech billionaires are 26-year-old wünderkinden. How are they going to have a child old enough to be the protagonist of a major network SyFy Channel show?

While I’m sure this show will not be as good as SyFy’s usual fare of Twilight Zone reruns (and really, what is?), at least we can be excited about solving another one of M. Night’s classic twists!

Except it’s a TV show, which means it will have a new twist every single episode. Dun dun dun!

Now, if the idea of a  TV series with grand twists every week sounds familiar it’s because that’s what a soap opera is. So, yeah… M. Night’s soap opera on SyFy! I’m sure they’ve got a bunch of good twists planned, such as:

  • It turns out that protagonists’ “billionaire tech genius” father was merely a multi-multi-millionaire
  • DEATH IS AN ILLUSION
  • Someone’s great weakness is… water! Seriously, what is it with this guy and water?
  • Their version of a child singing a Radiohead song  sounds awful and is this. (note: how come I was the only one who thought the Social Network trailer was just hilariously overwrought and incredibly stupid and worthy of being mocked? That was literally the only time the internet has disappointed me for not being sarcastic and mean enough.)
  • The killer is… Chubby Checker! Do watch that video if only to see what qualified as “Chubby” in 1960. If he was coming out today, he’d be known as In Pretty Good Shape All Things Considered Checker.
  • His name was…it was you. Damn.
  • It was all a dream (used to read Word Up Magazine)
  • His parents died in a tragic Louis CK-style accident (that link is included because this is what happens in Pootie Tang, see) where one parent was flying in one plane that crashed mid-air into another parent in the other plane.
  • It turns out that everyone he thought was his parents weren’t his parents after all, they were alien snails.
  • Snape kills Dumbledore
  • It’s actually a good show with no gimmicky twists

Feel free to add your own baseless speculation about M. Night’s Big Twist(s) in the comments. Or not. So long as we’re ahead of China in the medal count, this is, after all, a free country.

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