Whatcha gonna do, Romney? Really the only person to upset Brits this much is rock star, fuckup and friend of the blog, Pete Doherty (in the video above), who I strongly recommend doing a google news search of every so often–current top result is Pete Doherty ‘thrown out of Thai drug rehab clinic for being a disruptive influence on other addicts’. Good times! Previous delights in that vein have been Pete Doherty: who will stop the Pied Piper of heroin?, Pete Doherty Apologizes After Singing Nazi Anthem in Germany, and of course, Pete Doherty finally admits he is ashamed of leaving man to die at party. God, American rock stars are wusses. When was the last time you heard of one of them stepping over a dead guy to avoid a drug charge? Never!
So, since Pete Doherty remains unlikely to participate in the Closing Ceremonies and this post is ostensibly focused on the Olympics: Mitt Romney. He’s in a little hot water because he was doing a little shit talking about London’s preparedness. He also made reference to “the nation of Great Britain” (not a thing), talked about his meeting with the head of MI6 (you’re not supposed to do that). And if we’re going to talk about MI6, let’s talk about James Bond real quick: doesn’t Mitt Romney seem like the mid-level villain whose girlfriend sleeps with Bond about halfway through the movie, then is killed by the big baddie (as they say in Britain) before his final showdown with Bond? His evil is no more than manager-scaled.
All of this led to Romney being slapped down by London Mayor Boris Johnson, David Cameron (“of course it’s easier if you hold an Olympic Games in the middle of nowhere.”) and Carl Lewis, no stranger to embarrassing America, who said “some Americans shouldn’t leave the country.” And, of course, Twitter which has cheerfully latched on to the Romneyshambles as well as calling him American Borat. Which, not so good.
But! The Olympics aren’t just about Mitt Romney. No! There are so many other noteworthy things, such as:
Plastic People (who are not Mitt Romney)
Controversy over people who compete for countries that they’re not, you know, from. In particular, the host nation has had a little kerfuffle over the so-called “Plastic Brits,” a bizarre and dehumanizing moniker that is applied to any Team GB members born outside of Great Britain. This controversy is of course, stupid from the country’s perspective. What’s the point of having an empire (or the sad husk of one, anyway) if you can’t raid your colonies’ resources including its finest steeplechasers or whatever.
On the other hand, Serge Ibaka playing basketball for Spain is some bullshit.
No. This is how an Olympic basketball player should look (via)
I’ve got to side with my boy Lopez Lomong on this: if you’re just representing some other country just because you’re really only good enough to compete in the Olympics for them, you don’t belong in the Olympics. For example, here’s Team Russia’s 2008 Olympic basketball team:
That guy in the lower left hand corner is J.R. Holden. You can recognize him by his black…shoes. He played at Bucknell, which, despite what I’ve heard, is not technically part of Siberia, then bounced around Europe, and played for CSKA Moscow, which is Russia’s basketball powerhouse from 2002-2011. He was granted citizenship via a decree from Vladimir Putin. He’s not the most egregious example of this though: former NBA mediocrity Ike Diogu plays for Nigeria despite being both not from there and not having spent any significant amount of time there. And I’m too lazy to Google it, but I’m sure there are others in all those sports nobody cares about.
What you’ll see less often is someone like Guor Marial who will be running for Nowhere on account of his not wanting to represent his original country (Sudan) because they murdered 28 members of his family, not being able to represent his new country (South Sudan) not having an Olympic committee and his place of residence (United States) not having granted him citizenship. I really hope he medals just so we can see what they play for his national anthem. Will it just be two minutes of silence? Will it be Independent Women Part I? Charlie how your Angels get down like that, indeed.
Sticking it to China
I am a modern man. I understand that China is an irreplaceable trading partner and that free trade, in the end, is ultimately good for everyone. But goddamn,, even now that they’re back safely in the free world, there is nothing more fun in the Olympics than sticking it to China. What’s that? You’ve been brutally training your toddlers in the finer points of team handball for the past few decades? Doesn’t matter, thanks to a little something called FREEDOM. Perhaps you’ve heard of it.
As far as I’m concerned, the only acceptable situations for a USA! USA! USA! chant are if 1) we kill Osama Bin Laden, 2) sports win over foreign country 3) if Billy Bob Thornton had cut off all relations with the UK after Hugh Grant’s speech in Love Actually, leading to the UK’s total economic collapse and 4) whenever you feel a small desire to start a USA! USA! USA! chant, or if one is already started. Really, even if you hate America, you have to admit, that’s one hell of a chant.
In other authoritarian dragonslaying news, North Korea’s women’s soccer team refused to take the field for an hour because tournament organizers accidentally put the South Korean flag next to descriptions of the North Korean players. Say what you will about Ashton Kutcher on the new Two and a Half Men, but I think Punk’d might have just scored its greatest victory since they made Justin Timberlake cry. Oh, also, if you want to see North Korea lose, they’ll play America on Tuesday, where they will they be cheered on by
hired Chinese dudes their loyal fans.
Other than that, we won’t know who really won any of these events for 12 years anyway, so there’s no point in getting all worked up over it now.