And presented in countdown format, for no apparent reason other than to heighten the drama of who will be number one.
T-9th: Aileen “Monster” Wuornos and Richard “The Night Stalker” Ramirez
Two things on the Night Stalker: when they finally captured him and he went to trial, one of the jurors was murdered, which, of course had the effect of terrifying everybody. Fortunately (I don’t think this is how the word “fortunately” is normally used, but we’re going with it here), she had been murdered in her apartment by her boyfriend, not by, like Richard Ramirez’s voodoo powers or something. Perhaps even weirder, one of the many people he attacked survived because she held her car keys in front of her face when Ramirez shot her, making the bullet ricochet away. In any case, don’t go to the wikipedias for either of these two people because you can waste a whole day looking at serial killer wikipedias. It’s not the best use of time.
His career: underwear model, music video, actor, soap star, singer. As Henry Pollard would say, he’s in the overall handsome business.
6. Dinah Shore
I know nothing about Dinah Shore, except that she dated a lot of dudes in public with old-timey “I swear I’m a straight leading man!” actor names like Rod Taylor and Dick Martin and that she is described by wikipedia as “a longtime supporter of women’s professional golf.” Make of that what you will.
The William Tell Overture is allegedly partially responsible for the song “Still Tippin‘” by Mike Jones and a Shaq song. Who knew? In more exciting weird cover situations, here’s “Holdin’ on to Black Metal by My Morning Jacket and some crazy Thai song. I’m not sure who this interests, but I’m also not sure who this doesn’t interest. Check it out.
Holding the record for playing for the most teams is pretty Leap Day-ish. As is being the head coach of the Los Angeles D-Fenders.
3. Ja Rule
Ja Rule is like 4’5″ and made a career of crappy duets with R&B singers and Jennifer Lopez (though I maintain “Rainy Days” is a jam). He sounds like a muppet DMX, and nobody cares what he thinks about 9/11. Somehow this is all pretty Leap Day to me, especially in that he unsuccessfully tried to reinvent himself as hard.
2. Tony Robbins
There’s nothing (ok, one thing) more Leap Day than being a motivational speaker with a pituitary tumor that made him a giant who appeared in the movie Shallow Hal.
Who the hell is this guy? Didn’t he make Winnie the Pooh or something? He did not. But he was the Premier of Tasmania, which, contrary to everything I would’ve guessed, actually exists as a job. His biggest achievement, per wikipedia:
As a politician Wilson showed wisdom in his advocacy of free-trade between the Australian colonies. Tasmania passed an intercolonial freetrade act in 1870 during his premiership, but the question made no headway on the mainland.
All thrilling stuff. So why’s he my guy? Because not only was he born on February 29, 1812, he managed to die on February 29, 1880, making for the least tragic death on someone’s 17th birthday evar. And for that, Sir James Milne Wilson, KCMG, you are the king of Leap Day.