BusinessWeek knows you, the Captain of Industry are busy. As such, you likely need help with the pressing problems in your place of business. Namely: which of your underperforming proles to dump on the street. Without further ado, G. Michael Maddock and Raphael Louis Vitón present “Three Types of People to Fire Immediately.” Not to be confused with the Three Types of People with Whom to Speak of the Pompatus of Love Immediately (the joker, the smoker, the midnight toker), the three types of people to fire is really one type of person: assholes.
To wit, the first kind is “The Victim”:
Victims are people who see problems as occasions for persecution rather than challenges to overcome. We all play the role of victim occasionally, but for some, it has turned into a way of life. These people feel persecuted by humans, processes, and inanimate objects with equal ease—they almost seem to enjoy it. They are often angry, usually annoyed, and almost always complaining.
Just sounds like a complainy asshole. The second kind of asshole is The Nonbeliever, who says things like “Why should we work so hard on this? Even if we come up with a good idea, the boss will probably kill it. If she doesn’t, the market will. I’ve seen this a hundred times before.” In other words, a lazy asshole. Last of all, the Know-It-Alls, which, trust me on this, are arrogant assholes.
So, go fire all the assholes from your place of work and get back here.
Ok, good. Let’s proceed. I’m guessing that while you may have fired a considerable chunk of your employees, firing employees, like the Pringles of the ’90s, is very much a “Once you pop you can’t stop” type of thing. (As an aside, the guy who designed the Pringles can was buried in one of his Innovations. Never let it be said that Fredric J. Baur was a Nonbeliever.)
Anyway, here’s a few more mofos in your office you can fire if the taste of blood and human tears proved addictive the first go round.
Is there someone in your office who has been hacking up co-workers, clients and prostitutes alike to the tunes of Huey Lewis and the News? Though he may be quite charismatic, ultimately, reducing um, headcount is your duty as a boss and anyone else working in such capacity is insubordination. Fire him! Er, maybe have someone else do it for you.
Did you know women are allowed to sometimes take as many as three (3) work days off merely because they are expelling a fully-formed human being from their body? It’s ridiculous and indulgent. Fire her! Do it now, and you won’t have to deal with the next guy…
The Guy Who Came To A Crosssroads in Life and Learned That Family and Love Are More Important Than Mere Monetary Gain
You know the type. When it’s time to give the Big Presentation to the Shareholders at the Big Meeting, that lazy bastard’s just going to be at his child’s recital or sports game or… nothing else. But you’ll be stunned how much important work gets shunted aside on account of that crap. Fire him!
The Cop Who Plays By His Own Set of Rules
(Police Stations only)
The Second Author on Any News Article
Particularly one that’s about firing people. I’m sure they’ll appreciate the irony.
The Ethnic Group You Hate Passionately
You’re the boss. Maybe you don’t like the Finnish because they’re relentlessly gloomy and smell like fish. Or you don’t like Canadians because they’re relentlessly upbeat and smell like fish. Either way, now’s the time to fire all your employees who smell like fish.
The Victim of Your Sexual Harassment
You ever sexually harass a bunch of people at your place of work? Well, if you fire them, then they’re not around to tell anyone about it! It’s the perfect crime when you think about it.
Does your company still have employees? Fire the rest of them and replace them with robots. What kind of assembly line operation are you running? It’s the 21st century. Robots are the future and they always will be, so get with the program.