Horse Slaughterhouses to Return to America after Five Year Hiatus

Everyone who was worried about Barack Obama coming for their guns and what have you officially needs to stop. Because I’m pretty sure he just showed that he LOVES killing stuff. What kind of stuff? Why horses, of course! Why horses? Of course, because they’re delicious!

A Department of Agriculture bill, signed into law Nov. 18, reinstates federal funding for USDA inspection of horse meat intended for human consumption, which Congress had withheld since 2006. That de facto ban on horse slaughter has now come to an end, to the outrage of the animal rights community, amid reports that US horse owners were simply shipping their animals to Mexico and Canada for slaughter and processing.

That’s right people! America is officially back in the horse meat game. Now, if you’re wondering what horse meat tastes like, I have it on good authority from my Tongans that it’s a pretty tough meat–which makes sense. They’re very muscular animals and all.

Despite the obviousness of this decision (finally! We can raise some money on lucrative horse taxes!), I think we’ll all miss the extra deliciousness derived from the illegality of eating contraband horse meat. No worries though, there are still lots of other delicious, illegal animals to eat, such as:

  • Penguin
  • Bald Eagle
  • Hippopotamus
  • Mermaid
  • Siberian Tiger
  • Rhinoceros
  • Dolphin
  • Volcano Rabbit
  • Panda
  • Wyoming Toad
  • Praying Mantis
  • Canadian

Weirdly enough, PETA supports this new law, whereas the Humane Society is against. The PETA position is “that the reopening of slaughterhouses in the U.S. could reduce animal suffering, since some argue that the ban on horse slaughter increased abandonment of older horses — those that would typically end up in a U.S. slaughter house (meat of older horses is said to be more tender).” Mmmm… Tender old horse meat. Whereas the Humane Society’s position is (and I’m paraphrasing here) NO KILLING HORSES EVER, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Whatever. It’s time for our new tradition, Thematically-Appropriate Friday Music Video, Y’All!

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One thought on “Horse Slaughterhouses to Return to America after Five Year Hiatus

  1. SBG says:

    Is your category “Times are Tough All Over” a gross pun on the particular texture of this meat? I think so. Thanks a lot for that.

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