Why Does Every White Person in the State of Alabama Have the Same Haircut?

Important Investigations is an ongoing Pulitzer-worthy series where I try to solve the big questions that befuddle even the sharpest mind. Today, we will talk about two things that are both urgently pressing and near and dear to my heart: men’s hairstyles and the state of Alabama.

Specifically: why does every white football-playing person in the state of Alabama have the same haircut? And what is the name of this haircut? Why have I never seen one of these in real, non-Alabama life? Not sure what I’m talking abut? Ok. Let’s back up and take a look at a photograph of the University of Alabama’s previous four starting quarterbacks, from left, A.J. McCarron, Greg McElroy, John Parker Wilson, and Brodie Croyle.

 

So far so good. There are variations–some are a little longer, some sweep left, some sweep right, but fundamentally, we’re talking about the same haircut here. Alabama Hair, if you will, first gained national attention on the MTV show Two-A-Days, where there was a similarly large amount of Alabama Hair. Checkit:

WHAT ARE YOU DOING #24!?!?!??! YOU’VE RUINED MY WELL-THOUGHT OUT AND NOT ENTIRELY POINTLESS BLOG POST.

Sorry you had to see that. Let’s just pretend #24 doesn’t exist and move on with this Important Investigation.

Ok, so that’s six people, mostly grabbed at random (one of those Hoover guys is John Parker Wilson’s brother)–these are probably the six most notable white people to play football in the state of Alabama in the last six years, and they all have the same haircut. What gives? As it turns out, I’m not the only one to have investigated this important issue. Some commenter guy on a website explains:

I grew up in Alabama (I live in Seattle now) and I can attest that yes… these haircuts are very common among white males in high shcool/college throughout most of Alabama, Mississippi, and Georgia.

Most “guys” in the south — by “guys” I mean good Southern men/boys who pride themselves on not pampering themselves but enjoy being men’s men — use very little, if any “product” such as hair gel. So, we grow it semi-long and comb it just out of our eyesight. Why? I dunno… but it’s normal to us. The girls loooove it.

It is most commonly referred to as the “Frat Boy Hair” as the term “Frat Boy” in AL/MS/GA is not a negative term… but a term that brings an image of a Southern gentleman in training.

We know it looks a little weird to you guys/gals. But then again, your hairstyles look a little weird to us.

Mind blown. I wonder if like, the color green that I see is the same as the color green that you see. How can we ever know these things? So there’s our answer.

VERDICT: Alabama Hair is in fact, a real thing, not just something I imagined. For proof, check out the one million examples on Alabama’s current roster.

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7 thoughts on “Why Does Every White Person in the State of Alabama Have the Same Haircut?

  1. SBG says:

    Here, let’s add some academia to this post: http://www-psych.stanford.edu/~lera/papers/pnas-2007.pdf

    We DON’T all see green the same! I’m almost sure these professors are about to re-enact this same experiment on ‘Bama and non-‘Bama hair. But first..how do the haircuts of Alabama players compare to Auburn players? That’s clearly the next important question.

  2. kita says:

    I’m pretty disappointed that you’ve gotten me all worked up over a Metafilter comment thread that opened and closed – in the year 2006!

    Now how am I supposed to find out the answer to the question, “Do these haircuts smell bad?” ???,

    And:

    “Are there any MeFis with this haircut? If not, would anyone be interested in growing their hair like this and journalizing their experiences?

    This now has me crazed to find out who/what ‘Mefis’ are, and would our illustrious blogger be willing to grow his hair like this to be able to journalize his experience?

  3. […] some weird things about you: Ya’ll talk funny, your flag is strange and your men rock a haircut that’s reminiscent of the 90′s. But you’ve taken the cake on this one. While every state has some funky laws leftover from […]

  4. Hands down, the stupidest hair cut I have ever seen. I hate this haircut. Anyone that does this is an idiot and any girls that ‘looooove it’ are retarded girls that no respectable guy would date. I can’t imagine how so many people at the same time all find this haircut cool or all think it looks good. It’s stupid. All rednecks are stupid, their hair is stupid and their gfs are stupid. I would give anything if the south would attempt to ‘rise again’, so that the north could kick their Hill billy ass one again. I’m dying to kill as many rednecks as possible so that war is going to be awesome and I can’t wait for it. The only thing worse than the southern United States is all the southern people who don’t realize how much they Suck and how stupid they truly are.

    • Anonymous says:

      And us Southerners have pride…people like you are the reason we don’t like billy yanks. Some are nice, but you. Get over yourself..it’s a haircut. Hair. Not laws. Not the government. But. HAIR.

    • Anonymous says:

      Hahaha! Hey cupcake….anytime.

  5. Joseph says:

    I believe the haircut is called the “Southern Swoop”. Not limited to Alabama, frat guys, or douche bags, but is firmly founded in those archetypes.

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