Things to Continue Being Ungrateful About on Thanksgiving

While everyone and their grandmother (literally) are celebrating Thanksgiving by giving thanks, I would like to point out the things that we can all continue going on being ungrateful, which is to say, not thankful about.

  • Cell phone technology.
  • That we’re up to three football games on TV on Thanksgiving, two of which should be good.
  • Cargo ships. I mean, who would’ve guessed that a giant piece of metal would be able to float? Because it is, we get cheap Chinese products.
  • Freedom of assembly.
  • Paint. Our living spaces would be so drab without it.
  • Penicillin.
  • Tailors. Sure, they’re not a necessity, but I mean, who doesn’t like a nice well-fitted suit?
  • That our country’s acronym is so readily chantable.
  • Pasteurization.
  • The sun.
  • That magazines exist.
  • That society as a whole has agreed that T-shirts are in most cases acceptable clothing. They’re very comfortable.
  • That the following still don’t exist: ghosts, zombies, vampires, werewolves, unicorns (they seem cute, but wait until the first adorable ten-year-old gets impaled).
  • Board games.
  • How much of the world has decided it has to learn English.
  • Music. I mean, whoever first thought of making sounds in an enjoyable way, good on you.
  • VHS. Sure, it’s been replaced by the markedly better picture quality of DVDs, but you tell me which is more reliable. Plus, VHS had the advantage of being able to tell you stay away from an absurdly over-long movie just by having one of those double boxes (looking at you, Dracula, It, and Titanic).
  • Seat belts. For that matter, automobiles.
  • Underwear.
  • Books. It’s pretty neat that we let people write them and sometimes reward those people with a liveable wage. What a luxury!
  • Skulls. They’re really doing important work in there.
  • The relative safety and wealth of all Americans.
  • Granaries.
  • Canaries.
  • That the turkey wasn’t made our national bird. Not that it wouldn’t be as noble as a bald eagle, just that bald eagle meat is really gamy, and I wouldn’t want to have to eat that every year.

If you have any more awesome things to list, please do. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

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