Sexiest Man Controvery Embroils America (Plus A Historical Retrospective on People’s BEST COVERS EVAR)

So, it’s come to this. People Magazine, the guardians of modern journalism who brought you stories of international importance such as “Dakota Fanning learns to do Laundry,” “Inside Zoe Saldana’s Pre-Breakup Family Dinner” and really, everything that falls under the aegis of their website celebritybabies.people.com, has named their World’s Sexiest Man.

And for twentieth year in a row, it’s Nick Nolte! Congratulations again, Nick! (My sources on this somehow turned out to be incorrect. We regret the error.)

No, the World’s Sexiest People’s Sexiest Sexyman of the Sexy Year is Bradley Cooper. I know what you’re thinking–I’ve already read nearly 100 words, get to the fucking point-so I will. This choice, while seemingly a generic selection of a good-looking white actor who does the kind of boring and awful movie that the humans who read People go see in droves, is a controversial one.

Why? Because Ryan Gosling wuz robbed, that’s why! Let’s go over Ryan Gosling’s resume:

  • His acting evokes chucking hot dogs at professional golfers.
  • He wisely decided that Canadian accents are fine–if you’re a goddamn pansy.
  • Hey girl.
  • He was in that not-very-good movie Blue Valentine which had the most cunnilingus of any movie ever made, ever. But at least it had some good music and a character named Bobby Ontario.
  • He’s half-man, half-pancake.
  • Starred with Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, JC Chasez and Christina Aguilera on The Mickey Mouse Club, but somehow managed to not have an enormously successful career as a boy/girl band person. Perhaps because he is the single worst singer in the world.
  • I love those cupcakes like McAdams loves Gosling.”
  • It doesn’t seem like he’s been in what you would call “a lot of good movies.”

It should’ve been you, Gosling. It should’ve been you.

And for that matter, here’s who should’ve won this International SexyMan award (whose name I don’t want to look up) since they started giving it away in 1985:

  • 2011: Ryan Gosling
  • 2010: Breckin Meyer
  • 2009: Salman Rushdie
  • 2008: The guy from Aqua. No, not the bald one, the other one.
  • 2007: Lance Bass
  • 2006: You
  • 2005: Marion Barry
  • 2004: Kevin Sorbo
  • 2003: Michelin Man
  • 2002: François Mitterand
  • 2001: No award given (9/11)
  • 2000: Strom Thurmond
  • 1999: Mayor McCheese
  • 1998: Yahoo Serious
  • 1997: Coolio
  • 1996: French Stewart
  • 1995: David Duke
  • 1994: Sir Richard Attenborough
  • 1993: Joey Buttafuoco
  • 1992: Joey Lawrence
  • 1991: J.D. Salinger
  • 1990: Young MC
  • 1989: Tracy Chapman
  • 1988: Lloyd Bentsen
  • 1987: James Watson & Francis Crick
  • 1986: Gary Larson
  • 1985: Tenzing Norgay

MOAR COVERS!

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2 thoughts on “Sexiest Man Controvery Embroils America (Plus A Historical Retrospective on People’s BEST COVERS EVAR)

  1. SBG says:

    -You should’ve indicated for your under NC17 audience that there is at least 10 seconds of mickey mousing going on before Penny and the Quarters take over!

    -Does Sean Lennon have that Brando cover framed in his room since it is honoring his birth/marking his conception?

    -Rollergirl/Brand New Key Cover!

    -How did you not label the Boy in the Bubble category as “MOOPS” ??

    -Who’s the most coked out of all in that Live Aid cover?

    -Little did Eddie Murphy know that 20 yrs later they would republish that same cover..Can’t Buy Me Love, Mel B.!

    -I thought Miracle Baby would be Elizabeth Jordan Carr. I guess +1 to you for not giving into that back-patting!

    I’m glad that you, like Tom Cruise, find no mission impossible. I sincerely hope this lands you your long-coveted People Magazine archivist job.

  2. BigCalBear80 says:

    Price of coke in 1985? Inquiring minds want to know. 🙂

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