Pacman Jones: American Hero

While nobody with another choice watched this Sunday’s game between the Bengals and the Titans, there is one thing that might have made it compelling, but ultimately didn’t. I speak of course of Pacman “Adam” Jones’ return to Tennessee as a member of the Bengals. Regrettably, our man Pacman was deactivated, but I wrote up this thing about him anyway, so there you go.

Now, you’re probably wondering what the guy who got arrested more times than you can count on one hand has to be upset about. But you don’t know Pacman. Pacman sat down with the Tennessean’s Jim Wyatt and said “I have come to peace with Tennessee. I don’t even think about Tennessee anymore.”

Methinks the Pacman doth protest too much. Besides he’s got all kinds of good reasons to vengeful. Well, maybe not good. But if he’s looking for reasons to get extra pumped for this game, we’ve got a few.

  • He had to get a new championship belt made.
  • They never would let him go to the Thanksgiving night StripAThon that he loved so, so much.
  • He’s going to be really disappointed when he finds out there’s no such thing as Bengals Nation.
  • They never responded to his nice letter.
  • Tennessee was the place where he learned the hard way that you never mix business with new friends.
  • You make one small mistake, and all of a sudden you have to auction off your Cadillac with custom Pac-Man embroidery on the headrests.
  • There was that game of bowling where some guy threatened to stab him and it was actually totally not Pacman’s fault at all, but it still made him look bad.
  • It seems like the only person who was concerned about Pacman’s wellbeing was drug dealer Darryl Moore. “We gotta slow down, man. We gotta get him focused on football, man. He’s focused on too much other s****,” Moore said in wiretapped phone conversations, adding, “Fisher gotta win. Fisher trying to win…He ain’t putting up with that s***.”
  • Nobody on Tennessee respected when he called “dibs” on all of Eric Moulds’ locker goodies.
  • This picture of Pacman in a Home Depot apron and a Bengals snapback probably doesn’t have anything to do with his getting revenge this week. But… would you rather I didn’t include this picture of Pacman in a Home Depot apron and a Bengals snapback?
  • Albert Haynesworth (!) questioned his dedication to the team, noting that Jones had, “been more in prison than he’s been on the practice field.”
  • His time in Tennessee led everyone to assume he had missed the first weeks of this season with a suspension of some kind when it really was neck surgery.
  • He looks good in this Pac-Man chain, no matter what that jealous bastard Rob Bironas says.
  • They betrayed the greatest man ever in Pacman’s life—Jeff Fisher. “I don’t have any regrets, no regrets. But there ain’t nothing working out in Tennessee; they done got rid of one of the best coaches in the NFL. I loved Fisher. He was good to me.”
  • He set an example for children in the area by demonstrating the wisdom of the old wives’ tale that if you make it rain to the tune of $40,000 in singles (fun fact: stacked one on top of another, that much money would be 14 feet, four inches tall) and get involved in strip club shootings you’ll have to go to Canada.

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