Petition To Acknowledge Hidden Aliens on Earth Ruins Nice Bureaucrat’s Afternoon

The Obama White House has decided, in their infinite wisdom to start playing requests and responding to petitions in its website. Why they are doing this is anyone’s guess. Like many of the responses, this one is best imagined as somebody talking very slowly to a six-year-old, with his hands on his knees, nodding every so often and saying “Ok?” after each sentence:

The U.S. government has no evidence that any life exists outside our planet, or that an extraterrestrial presence has contacted or engaged any member of the human race. In addition, there is no credible information to suggest that any evidence is being hidden from the public’s eye.

Poor space program intern who had to write this thing. I’m guessing his conversation with his boss went something like this:

“Hey kid, I’ve got an assignment. A writing one. For the White House’s page.”

“Really? Wow!” This could be my big break, he thinks to himself.

“I need 400 words on how we aren’t hiding aliens from the public.”

“But we are… Oh, I see.” * winks *

And scene.

But really. This is why we need to give up on democracy. It’s all become far to direct. The way this system was originally set up, senators would serve for six years, which, back then was roughly half of an average human’s life expectancy, and because they would be going off to a different place to make laws, nobody would have any effing clue what they were doing, so the only hope was to elect the smartest people and hope for the best.

Nowadays, people want their opinions, no matter how stupid they may be, to be taken seriously. It’s the worst.

That’s why I’m moving to the first planet that can support human life. Good thing NASA’s America’s Next Top Planet program Kepler is on the case!

A last point: Many scientists and mathematicians have looked with a statistical mindset at the question of whether life likely exists beyond Earth and have come to the conclusion that the odds are pretty high that somewhere among the trillions and trillions of stars in the universe there is a planet other than ours that is home to life.

Many have also noted, however, that the odds of us making contact with any of them—especially any intelligent ones—are extremely small, given the distances involved.

IT’S A COOKBOOK! NOOOOOOOOOOO!

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