Because Andy Rooney retired, somebody needs to take the mantle of crotchety old man. That’s where I come in, with a list of things that have provided minor, ultimately insignificant irritation to me in the last week.
- That this horrible, horrible idea got $41 million.
- The world insisting on “existing.”
- That the war in Iraq is over soon. Eight years and we never came up with a better name than War in Iraq.
- That Fox’s consolation prize for bumping Zooey Deschanel’s show for a few weeks to make room for the baseball playoffs is letting her sing the National Anthem at game four.
- That Sim City is shaping policy. Not getting my goat: Herman Cain’s beautiful singing voice.
- Anything to do with the words “Lindsay Lohan” and “morgue.”
- Hard candy getting stuck in my teeth
- That we all apparently settled on “Gaddafi” while I had been using “Qaddafi” in my head.
- Speaking of which, we need to get over old TV coincidences. Whenever someone is a brutal dictator, there is often some footage of someone somewhere predicting their death in the sorta distant future. It’s not that big of a deal, yet, OMG MATTHEW PERRY CALLED IT!
- That my first reaction to this story was to YouTube Cutting Crew’s “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight.” I’ve become a monster.
- MC Hammer using the last of his “I hope he straightens his finances out” goodwill left to create a search engine. I now officially hope he goes broke again.
- That I never got to see Mario Lopez’s magnum opus, H8r. It sounds so good!
- Sequels to gimmicky horror movies.
- Sequels to masturbation comedies.
- A British KFC not sticking to its guns when it rejected John Travolta’s request to reserve a table.