World Series tonight, y’all! Excited? No? That’s ok. Bear with me. St. Louisans (Louisers?) are getting amped with this super embittered article in the St. Louis Dispatch about how St. Louis’ baseball tradition and culture is better than that of the Texas Rangers. The Dallas Star-Telegram countered by running this article about…um… how St. Louis’ baseball tradition and culture is better than that of the Texas Rangers. Come on! Show some fight, Dallas!
For his friendly bet with Arlington Mayor Robert Cluck, Slay has placed the following on the table:
- Pi pizza
- Schlafly beer
- Pappy’s BBQ
- Gooey butter cake from Park Avenue Coffee
- Chocolate from Crown Candy Kitchen
- A CD of the St. Louis Symphony Orchestra
Keeping with the food theme, Cluck has offered a juicy entree of his own: Nolan Ryan Steaks — “Official Beef of the Texas Rangers” —whose eponymous rancher is the team’s Hall of Fame pitcher turned principal owner.
I know these things are usually boring (exception!), but, yawn! Even an article I found titled “Nutter to pay up on his World Series bet,” was about as underwhelming as an article with that title can be.
So, what should these cities be betting instead?
St. Louis’ mayor must give Dallas:
- The title of most dangerous city in America, which it earned when it last won the World Series.
- An admission that Chingy sucks.
- Bob Costas and Jon Hamm
- An admission that the World’s Fair was stupid
- Its crippling depression
- A lifetime supply of Nelly Band-Aids
- A reading this Ike Turner obituary on local television.
- Subsist only on Dr. Phil brownie bars for one month.
Dallas’ mayor must (Arlington is not a real place, so we’re going with Dallas here):
- Acknowledge that Houston has some things going for it.
- Change the name of Six Flags to Four Flags, dumping those of the Repubic of Texas and the Confederacy
- Secede from the United States
- Give St. Louis a professional basketball team, preferably the Mavericks
- Put a shirt on that wacky Matthew McConaghehehy (sp?)
- Take a 20-year hiatus from nominating people for president (or running as an independent. Looking at you, Ross Perot).
- Listen to St. Louis’ Ludo’s hit song “Love Me Dead” on repeat for two weeks or until he takes his own life, whichever comes first.
- Shoot J.R.