The Hero This City Needs

In these uncertain times, what we need is a hero. Someone to guide us through doubt and danger. To protect the world from devastation. Someone to protect us from carjackings then be interviewed on the local news. That sort of thing. In short, what we need is Phoenix Jones. Unfortunately for us, stupid police stupid arrested him. Harrumph.

I know what you’re thinking. Who is this Phoenix Jones? Well, unfortunately some media outlets have violated rule number one of vigilante super-hero reporting, which is, don’t give away the hero’s identity! I mean, sure, he got arrested for spraying some people in the face with pepper spray, alleging they were fighting (review the tape if you like–it’s long and boring though), thus making his identity part of the public record. But on the other hand, who else do we have left to believe in? Barack Obama? This guy? Mike Vick? We need heroes, dammit. Someone contact his spokesman!

I mean, sure, Phoenix’s superpower (which appears to be having a high top fade and a canister of pepper spray) will likely persist even after this arrest (and release!), but shame on you, police, for arresting this man whose only crime was trying to protect Seattle (Ed: is that right? Seattle? Really?). And maybe aggravated assault with a weapon. We’ll see about that one.



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