Obvious Facts Remain True

Oftentimes the internet can be all about being counter-intuitive. Slate has built an entire website around it. That’s not what I want to do here. For your benefit, I have rounded up the most obvious news stories available and put them in front of you, hopefully restoring order to what can often be a cruel and uncaring world.

What’ve you got for me, AP?

The nation’s worst hospitals treat twice the proportion of elderly black patients and poor patients than the best hospitals, and their patients are more likely to die of heart attacks and pneumonia, new research shows.

Thanks, guys! Somehow this is much more shocking than the inverse statement: rich people can afford the best hospitals and are less likely to die.

Texting while driving is dangerous!

People who go on Facebook and talk about how much drinking they do tend to drink more.

[The study] found that underage college students who referenced dangerous drinking habits, such as intoxication or blacking out, [on public Facebook profiles] were more likely to have scores that indicate problem drinking or alcohol-related injury.

TV shows that people talk about are also the ones that people watch.

NM Incite and Nielsen were able to find a statistically significant relationship that shows a correlation between online buzz and TV ratings.

Lightning round!

Climate change will impact a plant.

Being poor, stressed out and depressed makes mothers worse at parenting.

Lobbyists undermine campaign finance law.

Having thin parents makes you more likely to be thin.

Songs about sex do better than songs not about sex (except in country music).

War is not good for the human psyche.

Evolution is not over.

Sarah Palin is defending Hank Williams, Jr.

Exercise improves health, even for homeless people.

Putting children in jail isn’t helpful.

Online poker contains risks.

Cheating men’ are more likely to suffer penile fractures.

Wait, that’s a thing? What? My god. I should note that there were only 16 cases of, um, penile fracture at the Maryland Medical Center between 2007 and 2011–half of which were reported as having occurred during an extramarital affair. I’m just going to go ahead and publish the last few paragraphs of this article because they are the most ridiculous things I have ever read. Here goes:

Oddly enough, most of the men in the study were candid about how their injury occurred.

“Most guys come in and say, ‘I’m gonna be honest with you because I really want my penis fixed,'” Kramer told the Post. “They are really terrified”

But Kramer cautioned that monogamy doesn’t render penises fracture-proof.

“If you’re having acrobatic sex…you do have to be careful,” he told MSNBC. “If you are doing something in a weird position or a weird situation…you do have to be careful of fracturing the penis.”

“A weird position or a weird situation?” Enough with your official urologist Med School mumbo jumbo! Put it in words we can understand!

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