Tag Archives: You

2014: A Year in Movies That I Saw

Join me on a magical journey to Movie Town!

Join me on a magical journey to Movie Town!

While it can take years and years to make a movie, it only takes like two hours to watch one, so I saw a whole bunch this year. While I didn’t love all of them, I bet some of you will!

You should see this movie if you…

Stories We Tell (2012, USA)

Fantasize about having a different biological dad.

Her (2013, USA)

Eagerly await robosex.

Short Term 12 (2013, USA)

Want to believe those ragtag, troubled youths are going to make it after all.

The Class (2008, France)

Want to believe those ragtag, troubled French youths are going to make it after all.

Frances Ha (2012, USA)

Believe Greta Gerwig may be adorable and want to spend two hours testing whether or not that really is the case.

Philomena (2013, UK)

Believe Dame Judi Dench may be adorable and want to spend two hours testing whether or not that really is the case.

The Act of Killing (2013, Norway/Denmark/UK)

Want to see the movie with the most “holy shit” moments per minute. In case you’re not familiar, this movie is a documentary in which actual killers re-enacting their killings in the style of various film genres.

Breaking The Waves (1996, Denmark)

Want to see something super morally reprehensible. Every year I end up talking myself into watching a Lars von Trier movie, and every year I end up angry at having spent a long-ass time only to end up quaking with rage at the horrible implications of the events that transpire. In the case of Breaking The Waves, the moral of the story is ostensibly that you should follow your own path toward faith rather than that of a dogmatic church, but what this works out to in practice is that you should always do exactly as your husband tells you, even if it literally means going onto a pirate ship with the explicit intention of being raped to death. :/

 The Hunt (2012, Denmark)

Want to see something marginally less morally reprehensible than Breaking The Waves. For having produced Borgen, AKA the Greatest TV Show Evar, Denmark sure has come up with some objectionable-ass movies. This one’s basically about how children are always going around accusing adults of raping them and we shouldn’t believe them.

Sightseers (2012, UK)

Believe a boring couples vacation can be livened up with a bunch of random, gratuitous murders.

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (2013, USA)

Saw the first Hunger Games and thought, “You know what would make the sequel perfect? If nothing whatsoever was different!”

Gravity (2012, USA)

Hate movies with accurate titles. All they do is float! Honestly, the only way this could be topped is if 12 Years a Slave were called Unionized Workspace.

Flight (2012, USA)

Love accurate movie titles. It’s “Flight”, not “Flights” for a reason. This movie has exactly one exciting flight scene followed by fifty boring drinking scenes.

My Winnipeg (2007, Canada)

Want to believe that the most popular TV show in Winnipeg is one in which an oversensitive man takes offense at something and then needs to be talked out of suicide. I mean, it might be true.

12 Years a Slave (2013, USA)

Want to see Brad Pitt play cast himself in the most self-indulgent role in film history.

Bande a Part (1966, France)

Enjoy fun dancin’!

Closely Observed Trains (1966, Czechoslovakia)

Closely Observed Trains

Like anti-Nazi, coming of age sex comedies.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Sexiest Man Controvery Embroils America (Plus A Historical Retrospective on People’s BEST COVERS EVAR)

So, it’s come to this. People Magazine, the guardians of modern journalism who brought you stories of international importance such as “Dakota Fanning learns to do Laundry,” “Inside Zoe Saldana’s Pre-Breakup Family Dinner” and really, everything that falls under the aegis of their website celebritybabies.people.com, has named their World’s Sexiest Man.

And for twentieth year in a row, it’s Nick Nolte! Congratulations again, Nick! (My sources on this somehow turned out to be incorrect. We regret the error.)

No, the World’s Sexiest People’s Sexiest Sexyman of the Sexy Year is Bradley Cooper. I know what you’re thinking–I’ve already read nearly 100 words, get to the fucking point-so I will. This choice, while seemingly a generic selection of a good-looking white actor who does the kind of boring and awful movie that the humans who read People go see in droves, is a controversial one.

Why? Because Ryan Gosling wuz robbed, that’s why! Let’s go over Ryan Gosling’s resume:

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 615 other followers

%d bloggers like this: