Tag Archives: WASPs

A Day At The Belmont Stakes

For the first time, I actually went ahead and physically attended the 2014 Belmont Stakes. I’m going to walk you through what it’s like to go to the Belmont Stakes, because unless you’re one of the 102,000 people who did so this weekend, you were probably watching from the comfort of your own home (or a Vegas sports bar. Or a prison TV lounge. Both of which may seem like they have their charms, after you read this piece).

Getting to the Belmont Stakes is of course to the first step of going to the Belmont Stakes. It is the second-hardest part of going to the Belmont Stakes. The hardest part, of course, is leaving the Belmont Stakes (we’ll get to that). Besides by car or horseback, there is exactly one way to get from Manhattan to Belmont Park, in the town of Elmont, and that is via the Long Island Railroad, or LIRR. The bad news about the LIRR is that anyone other than the very first people who shoved their way to seats have to stand for the entire forty-minute ride. The good news is that everyone on the train was in a good mood.

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Well-Mannered Connecticut Gentleman Robs Store

The Greatest Menace To Face Connecticut Since Someone Tried To Express A Human Feeling To A Family Member

The Greatest Menace To Face Connecticut Since Someone Tried To Express A Human Feeling To A Family Member

There’s not much I enjoy more than a good heist. There’s something very swaggadocious about going in and just taking someone’s stuff. It usually takes a good deal of planning–assembling a team, training, getting the blueprints and knowing every inch of the place you’re knocking over and then seeing it all come together and end in a perfect getaway.

However, in Connecticut it’s cool if you just waltz into a store with a gun, ask nicely for their money and drive off. That can work too.

A well-dressed man entered the Bedding Barn shortly before closing time Tuesday night, showed the clerk a gun and apologized for holding up the store.

Sure, you earn six figures as a stock trader trader by day, but that doesn’t thrill you anymore. No. Now in order to get your excitement, you have to walk a Bedding Barn and stick them up, and then, ideally, match wits with the flirty, clever lady detective who knows you did it, but doesn’t have the evidence to prove it. That’ll come later though. For now, you need to just figure out how to accomplish two things: 1) get your money and 2) be polite so that you leave a good impression, the way mother taught you to.

The man then approached the clerk and stated “I hate to do this to you but I’m going to; this is a hold up,”

I’m sorry, is this guy guilty of stealing money or OUR HEARTS!?!?!?! (It’s money, and it’s not our money, it’s money belonging to a Bedding Barn in Orange, Connecticut).

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