Tag Archives: Tracy Chapman

What to Do When You Get in A Car Accident in 14 Easy Steps

  1. Ok, so this happened. Look in your rear view mirror. Do you see a handicapped placard? Of course you do. Now think about how terrifying it was the last time your grandmother drove you anywhere. How she veered dangerously to the right, but you didn’t say anything because at least it’s better than veering dangerously to the left. How you thought things like “If I call her on her cell phone will she not realize it’s me calling and ask me to take the wheel for a second?”
  2. When you both pull over after the accident, you’ll be under the impression that getting out to go talk to the other person is something of an admission of guilt, and since the accident was emphatically Not Your Fault, that’s an admission of guilt that she should make. But she’ll never do that, not least of all because she’s old and judging from her Jaguar, in more of a Zsa Zsa Gabor sort of way than a Werther’s Original sort of way.
  3. Do they give you that handicapped placard when you reach a certain age? Not to get all Herbert Spencer, but there really should be  a point where if your ailment is just living older than humans used to live, you are no longer allowed to drive.
  4. The good news about walking over to talk to her is that you can let her sit there and think about what she’s done under the pretense of “controlling your emotions.” You will feel smug and emotionally superior as this happens. Having someone do a wrong and then being able to grant them forgiveness before they even realize what happened that really activates your smugness. If there’s one emotion you need to control, it’s that one. Enjoy it, it’s nice to have a positive emotion after a car accident, even if it comes from a bad place.
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27 NBA Nicknames That Need to Happen

With the NBA playoffs in full swing, and almost all the first round series looking decided, I took a moment to assign nicknames to exactly three (3) players from each of the teams that have a real chance to be in the second round. As there are only nine teams still in contention, I took it upon myself to make AN ODD-NUMBERED LIST of nicknames that I invented just now because that is how  you win on the internet.

Los Angeles Clippers

1. Blake “Pads” Griffin

Because he wears elbow pads and sponsors Kia.

2. Ryan “The Brass City Strangler” Gomes

This would be better if he had a reputation as an elite defender, but I mean, he’s from Waterbury, CT, also known as Brass City, and this just seems like a good epithet for a serial killer menacing the northeast during the industrial revolution. Waterbury’s motto is “Quid Aere Perennius?” meaning “What is more lasting than brass?” Big ups to Horace, Brass City.

3. Randy “Foyer” Foye

Much like a foyer, Randy Foye is pretty forgettable, but not something anyone feels particularly strongly about. He’s the two-guard your team has when they’re waiting for something better.

Memphis Grizzlies

1. Lester “Granddad” Hudson

Lester Hudson is the oldest name I’ve heard since I learned DMX’s real name is Earl Simmons.

2. Gilbert “Shooting Star” Arenas

He has a really good jump shot, see. Oh, also that thing when he and Javaris Crittenton were pulling guns on each other after a disagreement over gambling debts, which would have been acceptable if they were play-acting about the Old West. Maybe it should be Gilbert “Wild Bill” Arenas.

3. Hamed “Tower of Babylon” Haddadi

Now, I know what you’re thinking, what a good nickname for a 7’2″ Iranian dude. The only problem is that Babylon was in Iraq, and that it’s the Tower of Babel, not Babylon. Nevertheless, there is no grander tradition in sports than racist-ass nicknames for foreigners. Do enjoy this Wikipedia page of baseball players with ethnic nicknames. It’s a treasure. There’s a staggering number of dudes forced to bear nicknames like Dutch, Heinie, Irish, and SuperJew.  Apparently Frederick Schmit was known as Crazy, but that wasn’t enough, so his other nickname was “Germany.” Jap Barbeau just sorta looked Japanese, so they called him that. So by that horrible standard, this is an entirely appropriate nickname!

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Sexiest Man Controvery Embroils America (Plus A Historical Retrospective on People’s BEST COVERS EVAR)

So, it’s come to this. People Magazine, the guardians of modern journalism who brought you stories of international importance such as “Dakota Fanning learns to do Laundry,” “Inside Zoe Saldana’s Pre-Breakup Family Dinner” and really, everything that falls under the aegis of their website celebritybabies.people.com, has named their World’s Sexiest Man.

And for twentieth year in a row, it’s Nick Nolte! Congratulations again, Nick! (My sources on this somehow turned out to be incorrect. We regret the error.)

No, the World’s Sexiest People’s Sexiest Sexyman of the Sexy Year is Bradley Cooper. I know what you’re thinking–I’ve already read nearly 100 words, get to the fucking point-so I will. This choice, while seemingly a generic selection of a good-looking white actor who does the kind of boring and awful movie that the humans who read People go see in droves, is a controversial one.

Why? Because Ryan Gosling wuz robbed, that’s why! Let’s go over Ryan Gosling’s resume:

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