With the NBA playoffs in full swing, and almost all the first round series looking decided, I took a moment to assign nicknames to exactly three (3) players from each of the teams that have a real chance to be in the second round. As there are only nine teams still in contention, I took it upon myself to make AN ODD-NUMBERED LIST of nicknames that I invented just now because that is how you win on the internet.
Los Angeles Clippers
1. Blake “Pads” Griffin
Because he wears elbow pads and sponsors Kia.
2. Ryan “The Brass City Strangler” Gomes
This would be better if he had a reputation as an elite defender, but I mean, he’s from Waterbury, CT, also known as Brass City, and this just seems like a good epithet for a serial killer menacing the northeast during the industrial revolution. Waterbury’s motto is “Quid Aere Perennius?” meaning “What is more lasting than brass?” Big ups to Horace, Brass City.
3. Randy “Foyer” Foye
Much like a foyer, Randy Foye is pretty forgettable, but not something anyone feels particularly strongly about. He’s the two-guard your team has when they’re waiting for something better.
1. Lester “Granddad” Hudson
Lester Hudson is the oldest name I’ve heard since I learned DMX’s real name is Earl Simmons.
2. Gilbert “Shooting Star” Arenas
He has a really good jump shot, see. Oh, also that thing when he and Javaris Crittenton were pulling guns on each other after a disagreement over gambling debts, which would have been acceptable if they were play-acting about the Old West. Maybe it should be Gilbert “Wild Bill” Arenas.
3. Hamed “Tower of Babylon” Haddadi
Now, I know what you’re thinking, what a good nickname for a 7’2″ Iranian dude. The only problem is that Babylon was in Iraq, and that it’s the Tower of Babel, not Babylon. Nevertheless, there is no grander tradition in sports than racist-ass nicknames for foreigners. Do enjoy this Wikipedia page of baseball players with ethnic nicknames. It’s a treasure. There’s a staggering number of dudes forced to bear nicknames like Dutch, Heinie, Irish, and SuperJew. Apparently Frederick Schmit was known as Crazy, but that wasn’t enough, so his other nickname was “Germany.” Jap Barbeau just sorta looked Japanese, so they called him that. So by that horrible standard, this is an entirely appropriate nickname!