Tag Archives: Ray “Voodoo” Tatum

Everything You Need to Know About the 2013 Super Bowl

I feel like I wrote this post four months ago: San Francisco sports team enters sports championship against a hilariously blighted city. Nevertheless, the 49ers are in the Super Bowl, so we’re doing it again. A quick roundup of what these teams have going for/against them is in order. As is tradition in this sort of column, I will assign EDGEs to one team or the other based off of nothing.

QUARTERBACKS

In an extremely controversial decision, 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh replaced starter Alex Smith with Colin Kaepernick in the middle of the season despite Smith having a 6-2 record as a starter and having led the team to the NFC Championship last year. More importantly, Kaepernick accomplished both of my childhood dreams: playing quarterback for the 49ers in the Super Bowl and owning a goddamn turtle (requisite “I Like Turtles” link here). Here is a photo diary of Sammy the Turtle:

Young Kap, Young Turtle

As you can see, Little Kap, Little Turtle. But turtles live to be old (see: this turtle that lived to be 188), and grow big. Let’s check back in a few years later.

Big Kap, Big Turtle

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Roles I Wish Were Method Acted

Method acting: the art of immersing yourself so deeply in a role that every fiber of your being becomes that character, on-screen and off.  It is becoming the role so much so that even when nobody’s around you are not say, Tatum Channing, master thespian, you are John Tyree, letter writin’ Staff Sergeant in the United States Army. Needless to say, this is fucking insane and leads to things like Val Kilmer saying he understands what it’s like to kill a man and that he knows Moses better than Moses knew himself.

In any case, it is a lot of fun to watch TV and/or movies and imagine the actor off-screen behaving like their character. So here’s 50 instances where I hope to God that the actor went the extra mile and freaked everyone out, Daniel Day-Lewis-style with their intense dedication to the role.

  1. Peter Weller as RoboCop in RoboCop
  2. F. Murray Abraham as Salieri in Amadeus
  3. Jon Cryer as Duckie in Pretty in Pink
  4. Ashton Kutcher as Evan Treborn in The Butterfly Effect
  5. Harrison Ford as Colonel Woodrow Dolarhyde in Cowboys & Aliens
  6. Jeff Goldblum in The Fly
  7. Any role Marlon Wayans has played in any movie
  8. Ernst Stavro Blofeld in any number of James Bond movies
  9. Keanu Reeves as Shane Falco in The Replacements
  10. Whitney Cummings as Whitney in Whitney
  11. Continue reading
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You Have To Wonder: Assessing the Eric Taylor Eras at Dillon and East Dillon High Schools

Coach Eric Taylor: a Maker of Men. A father figure to every player who ever walked into one of his locker rooms. A man with a steely gaze who wears a windbreaker like it’s no one’s business. And most of all, a great high school football coach. Right? Wrong, wrong, wrong. Except the part about the windbreaker. That’s true. Still, Coach Taylor’s methods are harmful to his players individually and the long-term health of his programs.

Eric Taylor came to Dillon High School as a rookie coach with sky-high expectations. He inherited a team expected to contend for state. Loaded with All-Everything quarterback Jason Street, Tim Riggins, junior running back James “Boobie” Miles Brian “Anchorman” “Smash” Williams, and (presumably) an offensive line that makes holes, a smothering defense, and—what the hell—maybe a decent receiver or two, the Dillon Panthers had every reason to expect big things in 2006. Continue reading

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