Tag Archives: O.J. Simpson

What to Do When You Get in A Car Accident in 14 Easy Steps

  1. Ok, so this happened. Look in your rear view mirror. Do you see a handicapped placard? Of course you do. Now think about how terrifying it was the last time your grandmother drove you anywhere. How she veered dangerously to the right, but you didn’t say anything because at least it’s better than veering dangerously to the left. How you thought things like “If I call her on her cell phone will she not realize it’s me calling and ask me to take the wheel for a second?”
  2. When you both pull over after the accident, you’ll be under the impression that getting out to go talk to the other person is something of an admission of guilt, and since the accident was emphatically Not Your Fault, that’s an admission of guilt that she should make. But she’ll never do that, not least of all because she’s old and judging from her Jaguar, in more of a Zsa Zsa Gabor sort of way than a Werther’s Original sort of way.
  3. Do they give you that handicapped placard when you reach a certain age? Not to get all Herbert Spencer, but there really should be  a point where if your ailment is just living older than humans used to live, you are no longer allowed to drive.
  4. The good news about walking over to talk to her is that you can let her sit there and think about what she’s done under the pretense of “controlling your emotions.” You will feel smug and emotionally superior as this happens. Having someone do a wrong and then being able to grant them forgiveness before they even realize what happened that really activates your smugness. If there’s one emotion you need to control, it’s that one. Enjoy it, it’s nice to have a positive emotion after a car accident, even if it comes from a bad place.
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Sexiest Man Controvery Embroils America (Plus A Historical Retrospective on People’s BEST COVERS EVAR)

So, it’s come to this. People Magazine, the guardians of modern journalism who brought you stories of international importance such as “Dakota Fanning learns to do Laundry,” “Inside Zoe Saldana’s Pre-Breakup Family Dinner” and really, everything that falls under the aegis of their website celebritybabies.people.com, has named their World’s Sexiest Man.

And for twentieth year in a row, it’s Nick Nolte! Congratulations again, Nick! (My sources on this somehow turned out to be incorrect. We regret the error.)

No, the World’s Sexiest People’s Sexiest Sexyman of the Sexy Year is Bradley Cooper. I know what you’re thinking–I’ve already read nearly 100 words, get to the fucking point-so I will. This choice, while seemingly a generic selection of a good-looking white actor who does the kind of boring and awful movie that the humans who read People go see in droves, is a controversial one.

Why? Because Ryan Gosling wuz robbed, that’s why! Let’s go over Ryan Gosling’s resume:

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