Tag Archives: Jonathan Martin

Sheryl Sandberg Is Wrong: Bossy Children Are Terrible

As you probably are aware, Facebook COO and all-around successfulperson/self-appointed voice of womankind Sheryl Sandberg has launched a campaign to ban the word “bossy.” Let’s go over the positives of #BanBossy first:

  • It’s good to encourage girls.
  • “Bossy” does tend to be used on women and girls more so than on men and boys
  • Popular people such as Brigitte Bardot, Bob Benson, Bobby Brown, and Benjamin Button have the initials BB.

As you may have guessed, I have some quibbles with the Ban Bossy campaign. And not because in America you can’t ban words, and any attempt to do so is going to invite resistance. And not because if you’re going to tell people they can’t say a thing anymore, “bossy” is the most ironic choice possible. And not for semi-racism reasons. And not because this really only affects the little Sheryl Sandbergs out there, with the implicit message that non-leader (?) little girls can go die their worthless deaths. And not because campaigns against more vicious slurs like Ban Bitchy and Ban Cunty (I was uncomfortable even typing that!) would be more universal.


lean-in_custom-575cb1cc7e2e0e704abfffbc2a0ce498dafad0f8-s6-c30The problem with Ban Bossy is…do we really want to live in a world in which little girls are as awful and bossy as little boys?

Have you ever met a particularly “assertive” little boy? They’re the worst human beings possible. They assume you want to hear their boring, self-obsessed stories. They Lord of the Flies each other. Are these really the behaviors we want to be enabling in sweet, kind girls?

The answer is not, as Sheryl Sandberg would have it, to encourage girls to develop their leadership skills–it’s to discourage bossy behavior in boys and girls alike lest it fester into something more sinister and they end up becoming “leaders.”

For example, let’s let Sheryl Sandberg (and again I refer to her as “Sheryl Sandberg” because it’s just one of those names that is meant to be said in its entirety) explain what leaders are like as children:

When my brother and sister describe our childhood, they will say that I never actually played as a child but instead just organized other kids’ play. At my wedding, they stood up and introduced themselves by explaining, “Hi, we’re Sheryl’s younger brother and sister … but we’re not really her younger brother and sister. We’re her first employees—employee No. 1 and employee No. 2.” From a very young age, I liked to organize—the toys in my room, neighborhood play sessions, clubs at school.

In short: horrible monsters. Is that what’s wrong with society? Not enough children ruthlessly instilling order and discipline in their play time and trampling anyone who gets in their way?

In conclusion, #BanBossy is very exciting if you’re hoping some more girls can grow up to be women who join the ranks of great leaders such as George Bush, who led us into Iraq, Jordan Belfort who led investors to give him their money, and Richie Incognito who led the Miami Dolphins to bully the bejesus out of Jonathan Martin, and also, an 8-8 record.

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Winners and Losers of 2013

Considering this happened, we're all winners this year

Considering this happened, we’re all winners this year

Unlike other jerks who have been publishing their best of, worst of, and most statistically average of 2013 lists, I waited until 2013 ended, dammit, before I started listing things. Without any further ado, here are the people who won and who lost in 2013.

WINNER: Gay Atheists

The new pope says you guys are totally on the FastTrak to Heaven!

WINNER: Edward Snowden

He’s about three months away from faking his own death and spending the remainder of his days in that cafe in Paris with Batman and that actress everyone hates because she tries too hard.

WINNER: Tyler Perry

A Madea Christmas made $44 million. Way to go, Tyler Perry!

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Your Guide To The Jonathan Martin Richie Incognito Bullying Thing


For those of you who haven’t been following the news, there’s been a very weird series of developments in Miami, unrelated to the usual Florida Man-style developments that go on down there. No! It’s with their professional football team, the Miami Dolphins. Here’s a rough rundown of the whole thing:

  • Offensive lineman Jonathan Martin returns from an unspecified illness and sits down at a table only to have his teammates get up and leave. Two days later, it is reported that he left the team citing “emotional reasons.” A teammate called it an “emotional breakdown” and according to reports, Martin “flipped out, smashed a food tray on the ground, took off and they haven’t seen him since.”
  • Reports emerged that Martin’s fellow offensive lineman Richie Incognito was the ringleader of the bullying, and reports of voicemails in which he used racial slurs and threatened Martin’s family. Higher ups in the Dolphin organization expressed confusion, saying Incognito was “a model citizen.” Meanwhile, the NFL Players’ Association launched an investigation of bullying and harassment in the Dolphins organization and Martin retained a lawyer.
  • Martin paid $15,000 for a trip to Las Vegas that he did not attend. Former Dolphin offensive lineman Lydon Murtha claimed that Martin backed out of the trip after committing to it and, with the reservations, tickets and things already paid for, was held to a previous commitment.
  • Relatedly, reports emerged of younger Dolphin players being used as ATMs for veterans, including regularly paying $30,000 restaurant bills and generally fund their lavish lifestyle–one younger player said he is basically broke because of it.
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