Tag Archives: Barack Obama

Apr 23 2013
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I Don't Know What To Tell You, Listicles

If You Could Have Anything Thing Signed By Anyone, What Thing/Person Combo Would You Chose?

Like, What If Someone Had Signed This!?!?!?!?

Like, What If Someone Had Signed This!?!?!?!? I’d Be Rich

Inspired by the news that some guy bought a copy of Martin Luther King, Jr.’s Strength To Love that featured his signature on the inside cover, I thought it would be time to consider what would be the best place to find an autograph. (I should also note that this came from Reddit, so there’s like a 94% chance of it being a hoax of some kind–even the hoaxes are hoaxes over there.)

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Feb 05 2013
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Today in News

Today in News: Japan is Weird

125084-minami-minegishi-akb48-shaved-head

A member of a Japanese girl group shaved her head and issued a tearful apology for violating the group’s no-dating rule after she was seen leaving a boy’s apartment. In keeping with Japanese tradition, she will confine all further romantic relationships to sex robots and tentacled sea creatures.

Scientists say there is no cause for panic as a large asteroid is scheduled to harmlessly fly by earth. After hearing of yet another false alarm, a disgruntled Steven Tyler threw down his microphone in disgust and declared he was now willing to Miss A Thing.

A recent study showed that young adults commonly get back together with their exes–meaning the next decade of Taylor Swift songs are going to be really repetitive.

It was revealed that four step-grandchildren of former Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels are billionaires. The grandchildren have remained private out of concerns over negative publicity, noting that the gene for using pure evil to manipulate public opinion skips two generations.

A couple of college students have invented a new Facebook app, which is designed to facilitate anonymous hookups among Facebook friends. The app is said to be an improvement over the previous way to hook up over the internet with nobody finding out: MySpace.

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Jan 29 2013
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The World of Politics

The Washington Post’s New Fact Checker is a Flawless Truth Machine

In an exciting innovation, The Washington Post, our nation’s leading repository of sad articles about John Wall, has decided they’re going to introduce something exciting and entirely new to their news coverage: facts.

Today, The Washington Post introduces a new prototype, The Truth Teller, that does live, automated fact checking of a political speech.

Building off the technology that gave us Zooey Deschanel asking what the weather was like AS SHE LOOKED OUT A WINDOW, The Truth Teller is off to a good start! Here’s one correction in its evaluation of Rep. Gerald Connolly’s (D-VA) speech:

Screen Shot 2013-01-29 at 2.52.33 PM

Now, sure, in the guy’s speech, it seems like he clearly says “The Recovery Act, which I proudly supported, cut taxes for ninety five percent of all Americans.” And sure, if that’s what he said, then that claim is the exact thing the Truth Teller is saying. But I’m just a human with a soft heart who hears what he wants to hear. For example, I want to hear sentences with coherent prepositional phrases and adverbs that relate to the rest of the words around them. But The Truth Teller cuts through the spin and gets right to the nougat-filled fact center so quickly that you don’t even realize how little sense this metaphor makes.

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Nov 05 2012
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Apology Tour

Apology Tour: Election Week Edition (Election Will Not Be Discussed)

In the nonstop circus that is today’s gotcha media Twittersphere blogoverse Tumblrtown, public figures are held accountable for their actions more often than ever. For that reason, I present Apology Tour, where we take the week in apologies and grade them using a proprietary formula based on several criteria such as severity of incident, sincerity, necessity of apology and other stuff that I’m forgetting right now. Without further ado…

No Doubt, for making a cowboys and Indians-themed video (since removed)

As a multi-racial band our foundation is built upon both diversity and consideration for other cultures. Our intention with our new video was never to offend, hurt or trivialize Native American people, their culture or their history.   Although we consulted with Native American friends and Native American studies experts at the University of California, we realize now that we have offended people.

Uh… beginning with the opposite of guilt by association (a multi-racial band, you say!), I am completely intrigued by these meetings with Native American friends and Native American studies experts. Here’s how they probably went:

GWEN STEFANI: So, I’m going to be playing one of the Indians. Tony’s going to be the other one, even though he’s dot Indian, not feather Indian, we figured it was cool.

GWEN STEFANI’S 1/8 IROQUOIS FRIEND TROY, WHO TOOK A CLASS IN NATIVE AMERICAN STUDIES AT UCSD TO FULFILL A REQUIREMENT: Whatever, fine. I have this idea for a boutique cupcake shop. I only need $15,00 in seed money…

And scene! This is the flimsiest of flimsy apologies and rationales. They’ve had like 11 years since their last album and this was the best video concept they could come up with? Next time, just don’t speak.

Grade: D

Director Peter Hall, for heckling Downton Abbey’s Lady Edith during a production of Uncle Vanya

Audience members heard the 81-year-old director repeatedly saying “it’s not working” while Carmichael spoke. [...]

On Monday, Hall insisted he had not been heckling, but was merely “briefly disorientated” after waking from a brief doze.

Hall, founder of the Royal Shakespeare Company, said he was “mortified that I unintentionally disrupted” Friday’s performance.

There’s a lot happening here. For one, he’s insisting that he never meant to cast aspersions on this particular production of Uncle Vanya, which, fair enough. That point is unfortunately undercut by his insistence that the source of his disorientation was a nap that he presumably took in the middle of the show.

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Nov 02 2012
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The World of Politics

Meet the Rest of the Presidential Candidates

There are far too many issues that are simply not adequately addressed in a two-party system. But good news, mofos, we’re not in a two-party system. This is America, home of the Democrats, the Republicans, the Democratic-Republicans, the Know-Nothings, the Bull Moose Party and many more. We’ve got parties to address issues you didn’t even know we had. Issues like: is it the place of government to help poor people? Should alcohol be legal? Do we really want a president whose face is tattooed on a C-list actor’s chest? And wait, that guy said what about Jews?

Sure, no party other than the Democrats and Republicans has had a candidate even win a congressional election since 1970, but still. This is the year one of these guys or gals breaks through, I can feel it! So who do we have?

Gary Johnson (Libertarian)

What’s his deal?

That he’s the former governor of New Mexico might belie his position on government (against). Failed to apprehend Heisenberg, however his position on the drug war (again, against) probably played a factor there. He’s a libertarian, which means fewer government services and lower taxes.

Notable endorsements:

Penn from Penn & Teller.

You should vote for him if:

You hate the government. You believe the Republicans should get Nader’d. You believe that the right to as many guns and kilos of cocaine as you can carry in your satchel is a God-given right.

You should not vote for him if:

You enjoy paying taxes OR having a public school system. You believe firefighting should not be privatized.

Merlin Miller (American Third Position)

What’s his deal?

Miller got his MFA in Cinema/Television from USC in 1985 and most notably directed a TV movie one time. Not long after, his political views Took a Turn, and let’s just say he’s not a fan of “the Jewish-Zionist control of our mainstream media.” And he recently met with the misunderstood Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and received a book of poetry as a gift. D’awww.

Notable endorsements:

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and that guy who directed Birth of a Nation, probably

You should vote for him if:

You really shouldn’t vote for this guy, even if he probably knows Wilford Brimley from that TV movie he made.

You should not vote for him if:

You are Jewish, have Jewish friends, don’t care for anti-Semitism, or are a member of an elite cabal of bankers in Zurich.

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Oct 03 2012
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The World of Politics

Mitt Romney’s Zingers Sheet

Should I abandon writing and turn this blog into a catalog of Mitt Romney’s awkward interactions with black people? (Possible names: Ebony & Rom-i-nee, The Mormon Taberblackle Choir, The Unbearable Whiteness of Romneying). Anyway, Mitt’s wildly successful Chipotle photo op is not why we’re here. It’s this report from the NY Times.

Mr. Romney’s team has concluded that debates are about creating moments and has equipped him with a series of zingers that he has memorized and has been practicing on aides since August.

As luck would have it, my crack research staff managed to get their hands on Romney’s zinger sheet, and have assured me he will use every single one of these in tonight’s debate.

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Sep 26 2012
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Q & A, The World of Politics

2012 Presidential Election Q + A

Like Mitt Romney, I still don’t know who let those dastardly dogs out, but I can turn all your other election questions into answers. Or at least answered questions, which is the next best thing.

What’s the worst (legal) thing Obama could do in these last few months of the campaign and still have a chance to win?

I’m torn between two things: one, if he was Tiger Woodsing out this whole time with a bunch of blonde bimbos, that would certainly hurt him with independent voters. Still, I’m going to say if he announces his conversion to Islam,  he would still have a shot at winning. It wouldn’t be a great one, but such a hilariously high percentage already thinks he’s a Muslim that it might not be so bad. That would be way more damaging politically than if he re-killed Vince Foster or something else that at least seems Tough on Terror.

And Romney?

I’m not sure Romney isn’t actively trying to answer this question. I mean, “accidentally reveal that he thinks half of Americans are worthless hoboes in front of a secret audience of rich people,” would seem to be about as far as he can go.

On the other hand, if the economy takes a severe downturn on Obama in the next few months, there’s basically no limitation to what Romney could say he intends to do as president. Mandatory Mormon Re-Education camps? Invasion of the UK? Marie Osmond named Poet Laureate? Re-writing Rocky IV so that Drago wins? It won’t matter, because voters will be all “I’m more focused on jobs,” and that’ll be that.

What’s the loser going go do afterwards?

If Romney loses, he’ll just keep running for President for a few years (old habits die hard). After that, I hope he combines his greatest passions and organizes the Cayman Islands’ winning Olympic bid for 2032.

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Apr 18 2012
2 Comments
Listicles

The 95 Most Influential People Who Wrote About the 100 Most Influential People

Time Magazine just released its 100 Most Influential Influencers of Influence or whatever that thing is called, because it’s April and the market on end-of-year lists is there for the taking. Needless to say, the list is flawless. I mean, obviously I know who Rene Redzepi is. He’s a…uh… chef. And why wouldn’t the fifth most-important person in The Help (aka the movie that re-defined our generation, at least until Girls re-re-defined it) make it?

But that’s not this list.

This list is of the people who write the short blurbs on those (usually more influential) people. The classic example of course being Gordon Brown’s hilarious letter of unrequited love addressed to Barack Obama. These sorts of lists tend to have a sort of even mix of “fame” and “power,” to which I say, “eff that noise.” I’m more from the power is power school. I don’t care how fun Linsanity was, dude is just less important than the President of Argentina.

Let’s Begin!

The No-Wikipedia Gulag

95. Time Social Media Editor Allie Townsend

94. Time Art Critic Richard Lacayo

93. Consumer Rights advocate Molly Katchpole

92. Time Staff Writer Ishaan Tharoor

91. Time Ideas Columnist Andrew J. Rotherham

90. Time Sports Columnist Sean Gregory

89. Time Sports Editor Bill Saporito

88. ONE CEO Michael Elliott

87. Time Beijing Correspondent Austin Ramzy

86. Time Middle East Bureau Chief Aryn Baker

85. Time Senior Editor Bryan Walsh

84. Time Senior Editor Matt McAllester (btw, who spells McAllister like that?)

83. IBM Fellow David Ferrucci

82. Law Student Sandra Fluke

Completely Irrelevant / People I Haven’t Heard Of

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Dec 02 2011
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Times Are Tough All Over

Horse Slaughterhouses to Return to America after Five Year Hiatus

Everyone who was worried about Barack Obama coming for their guns and what have you officially needs to stop. Because I’m pretty sure he just showed that he LOVES killing stuff. What kind of stuff? Why horses, of course! Why horses? Of course, because they’re delicious!

A Department of Agriculture bill, signed into law Nov. 18, reinstates federal funding for USDA inspection of horse meat intended for human consumption, which Congress had withheld since 2006. That de facto ban on horse slaughter has now come to an end, to the outrage of the animal rights community, amid reports that US horse owners were simply shipping their animals to Mexico and Canada for slaughter and processing.

That’s right people! America is officially back in the horse meat game. Now, if you’re wondering what horse meat tastes like, I have it on good authority from my Tongans that it’s a pretty tough meat–which makes sense. They’re very muscular animals and all.

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Nov 07 2011
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Science!

Petition To Acknowledge Hidden Aliens on Earth Ruins Nice Bureaucrat’s Afternoon

The Obama White House has decided, in their infinite wisdom to start playing requests and responding to petitions in its website. Why they are doing this is anyone’s guess. Like many of the responses, this one is best imagined as somebody talking very slowly to a six-year-old, with his hands on his knees, nodding every so often and saying “Ok?” after each sentence:

The U.S. government has no evidence that any life exists outside our planet, or that an extraterrestrial presence has contacted or engaged any member of the human race. In addition, there is no credible information to suggest that any evidence is being hidden from the public’s eye.

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