Neon Boudeax, Jesus Shuttlesworth and Space Jam 2

The news that LeBron James would be starring in Space Jam 2 was too perfect. Somehow, even more than winning MVPs and championships, taking over a Looney Tunes franchise from Michael Jordan would be the thing that cemented him as not just the greatest basketball player of his generation, but the biggest star. Plus, it provided the tantalizing possibility that every fifteen to twenty years, the greatest basketball player on the planet would, in addition to dominating their sport, need to star in a movie with a latter-day version of Newman from Seinfeld to complete their coronation.



Regrettably, it turned out to be a hoax—after “sources” claimed the rumors were unfounded, LeBron personally denied the rumors, meaning we can probably put this to bed. Unless this was a trial balloon to gauge public reaction, in which case this movie is definitely happening. And hey, it can’t hurt on his quest to become a billionaire. (“It’s my biggest milestone”).

The problem with superstar basketball players’ movies isn’t that they’re bad—of course they’re bad—it’s that it’s rather disconcerting when people who are physically perfect suddenly become stiff and unsure of how to, well, act. It takes away from Dr. J’s reputation as the smoothest to see him in The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh trying to figure out what to do with his hands. (Though, it should be noted, it absolutely adds to his mystique when, in this PG-rated movie, he manages, through some miracle of poor ‘70s lighting, to stand up, in the nude, right in front of the camera).

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I Am Excited About the Sochi Olympics And You Should Get Over Yourself and Be Excited Too



The Winter Olympics are kinda a weird event. They’re objectively worse than the Summer Olympics in every way. While the Summer Olympics are set in places like London, Beijing and Tokyo, the Winter Olympics gets Nagano, Salt Lake City and Lillehammer, whose Olympics would later be memorialized by Steven Van Zandt. If they gave out medals for kinds of Olympics, the Winter Olympics would win a silver medal. And these Sochi Olympics are getting a lot of guff from the haters out there. But you know what, the Sochi Olympics are going to be the best Olympics in years. Or at least since the last Olympics. Or at least one of the more interesting things on TV this month. Oh, but House of Cards is coming back. Well, it’ll definitely be the most interesting thing involving Russians on TV. Except The AmericansThe Americans will probably be more interesting than the Sochi Olympics. Still, you might have some concerns about these Olympics, and I’m here to explain why you needn’t worry because these Olympics are going to be great.

CONCERN: Why did they choose Sochi anyway? Sochi is not a real place. And its average winter temperature is a surprisingly warm 52 degrees.


Okay, so Sochi isn’t a booming metropolis (in Russia, you can tell which cities are metropolises because they’ve been renamed after some Commie mass murder and then re-renamed), but you can forgive the IOC for just assuming that Sochi was cold all the time. An easy mistake! Isn’t everywhere in Russia cold?

CONCERN: The Sochi Olympics are unbelievably corrupt.


First of all this is factually inaccurate. The level of corruption at the Sochi Olympics is very believable. Überbelievable. This is taking the usual corruption of the Olympics and multiplying it by the usual corruption of a government giving out no-bid contracts, and then putting all that to the Russian power.

For the visually inclined, the equation is as follows: (Olympics * no-bid contracts)^Russia

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Artisanal, Hand-Crafted Movie Recommendations

Mmmmm...anthropomorphic hot dogs

Mmmmm…anthropomorphic hot dogs

As the most beloved living film critic, people often ask me if they should see a movie, and for me, the answer is always yes because I like to have people to talk about movies with, and don’t really care if you waste two hours of your life on Black Swan or whatever. Still, in the interest of being somewhat helpful, here’s pretty much every movie I saw in 2013 as well as a description of what kind of person should watch these movies.

You should see this movie if you…

The Vanishing (1988)

…like the idea of you and a loved one being buried alive.

L’Enfant (2005)

…think poverty is a problem only if it happens to attractive French people.

Kid with a Bike (2011)

…think poverty is a problem only if it happens to attractive French kids.

La Haine (1995)

…think poverty is a problem only if it happens to attractive French kids in black and white.

Festen (1998)

…find it plausible that a big party could continue as if nothing happened after the host is accused of child molestation.

District 9 (2009)

…believe that comparing black Africans under apartheid to hideous bugs is helpful somehow.

Upstream Color (2013)

…think not enough movies center on piglet murder.

A History of Violence (2005)

…like your murders arbitrary and awesome.

A Prophet (2009)

…want to spend three hours being REALLY EXCITED about a guy slowly infiltrating the Corsican prison gang while growing a mustache.

Cries and Whispers (1972)

…wonder if being surrounded by bright red walls all the time keeps you from being awful and miserable (it doesn’t).

The Seventh Seal (1957)

…want to see chess with death!

Bicycle Thieves (1948)

…like Italy, but hate the persistent image of it as “fun.”
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Winners and Losers of 2013

Considering this happened, we're all winners this year

Considering this happened, we’re all winners this year

Unlike other jerks who have been publishing their best of, worst of, and most statistically average of 2013 lists, I waited until 2013 ended, dammit, before I started listing things. Without any further ado, here are the people who won and who lost in 2013.

WINNER: Gay Atheists

The new pope says you guys are totally on the FastTrak to Heaven!

WINNER: Edward Snowden

He’s about three months away from faking his own death and spending the remainder of his days in that cafe in Paris with Batman and that actress everyone hates because she tries too hard.

WINNER: Tyler Perry

A Madea Christmas made $44 million. Way to go, Tyler Perry!

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The Wikipedia Trivia Game

Oh no...

Oh no…

It’s time for guess the Wikipedia Page! An exciting game where I take a series of words I found on Wikipedia and you guess which of the real Wikipedia pages I provide contain the answer. Highlight the void after the word “Answer” to find out if you got it right.

1. Gone 2 Soon

Which of the following “developed his lifelong love of gardening”?

A. Nelson Mandela

B. Paul Walker

C. Brian Griffin


2. Norwegian Bone Coaster

On which Wikipedia page did the words “Fjord Flying Dragon” appear?

A. 2013 in Norwegian Football

B. 2013 in paleontology

C. 2013 in amusement parks


3. A Funny Way Of Showing It

Which of these aims to “promote healthy, loving relationships between children and their families”?

A. Eugenics

B. Trail of Tears

C. With Arms Wide Open (Creed song)


4. Villainy

Which of the following things ” feed off of fighting and hatred, and make the winter colder and more harsh”?

A. Jersey Devil

B. Wendigo

C. Gmelin’s white-toothed shrew

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Your Guide To The Jonathan Martin Richie Incognito Bullying Thing


For those of you who haven’t been following the news, there’s been a very weird series of developments in Miami, unrelated to the usual Florida Man-style developments that go on down there. No! It’s with their professional football team, the Miami Dolphins. Here’s a rough rundown of the whole thing:

  • Offensive lineman Jonathan Martin returns from an unspecified illness and sits down at a table only to have his teammates get up and leave. Two days later, it is reported that he left the team citing “emotional reasons.” A teammate called it an “emotional breakdown” and according to reports, Martin “flipped out, smashed a food tray on the ground, took off and they haven’t seen him since.”
  • Reports emerged that Martin’s fellow offensive lineman Richie Incognito was the ringleader of the bullying, and reports of voicemails in which he used racial slurs and threatened Martin’s family. Higher ups in the Dolphin organization expressed confusion, saying Incognito was “a model citizen.” Meanwhile, the NFL Players’ Association launched an investigation of bullying and harassment in the Dolphins organization and Martin retained a lawyer.
  • Martin paid $15,000 for a trip to Las Vegas that he did not attend. Former Dolphin offensive lineman Lydon Murtha claimed that Martin backed out of the trip after committing to it and, with the reservations, tickets and things already paid for, was held to a previous commitment.
  • Relatedly, reports emerged of younger Dolphin players being used as ATMs for veterans, including regularly paying $30,000 restaurant bills and generally fund their lavish lifestyle–one younger player said he is basically broke because of it.
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Fox News Writes The Most Pointless Article Ever Written

Hatee-hatee-hatee-ho, indeed.

We’ve all heard about the Obamacare delays by now. But Fox News has continued their important research and found the most insidious Obamacare scandal of all: a frightening lack of celebrity YouTube videos in support of it.

In the heady days after the October 1 launch of the Affordable Care Act — better known as ObamaCare — Lady Gaga, Amy Poehler, Nina Dobrev, Rosario Dawson, Sarah Silverman, Olivia Wilde, Alicia Keys, Jennifer Hudson, Pearl Jam, Lance Bass, John Legend, Alyssa Milano and Kerry Washington joined the President to encourage Americans to #getcovered.

Ah yes, the heady days of three weeks ago. Let’s open the time capsule of earlier this month, shall we? Miley Cyrus (remember her?!) had the number one song in the country and something called Gravity was the number one movie in theaters–today it’s only shown in obscure art house theatres where people can recreate their childhood memories in dank, empty rooms.

Since then, technical glitches and website snafus have so marred the ObamaCare website that the team who built it has been called to testify before Congress on Thursday. But there will be no celebrities flanking them on Capitol Hill, as the stars that helped launch the initiative are now being advised to walk away.

Had Obamacare’s launch gone smoothly, there’s no reason to think that Lance Bass wouldn’t have been called to testify before Congress as a public health expert. Instead, glitches, and not a peep from NSYNC, MD.
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Well-Mannered Connecticut Gentleman Robs Store

The Greatest Menace To Face Connecticut Since Someone Tried To Express A Human Feeling To A Family Member

The Greatest Menace To Face Connecticut Since Someone Tried To Express A Human Feeling To A Family Member

There’s not much I enjoy more than a good heist. There’s something very swaggadocious about going in and just taking someone’s stuff. It usually takes a good deal of planning–assembling a team, training, getting the blueprints and knowing every inch of the place you’re knocking over and then seeing it all come together and end in a perfect getaway.

However, in Connecticut it’s cool if you just waltz into a store with a gun, ask nicely for their money and drive off. That can work too.

A well-dressed man entered the Bedding Barn shortly before closing time Tuesday night, showed the clerk a gun and apologized for holding up the store.

Sure, you earn six figures as a stock trader trader by day, but that doesn’t thrill you anymore. No. Now in order to get your excitement, you have to walk a Bedding Barn and stick them up, and then, ideally, match wits with the flirty, clever lady detective who knows you did it, but doesn’t have the evidence to prove it. That’ll come later though. For now, you need to just figure out how to accomplish two things: 1) get your money and 2) be polite so that you leave a good impression, the way mother taught you to.

The man then approached the clerk and stated “I hate to do this to you but I’m going to; this is a hold up,”

I’m sorry, is this guy guilty of stealing money or OUR HEARTS!?!?!?! (It’s money, and it’s not our money, it’s money belonging to a Bedding Barn in Orange, Connecticut).

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Handicapping the 2013 Nobel Peace Prize Field

Nobel Prize Medal

“Oh yeah, I’ve been looking all over for that.” -Kofi Annan


And while we’re all excited about the winners (score one depression-era Canadians who somewhat ill-advisedly go visit their ex-girlfriends with their young children everywhere!) in other categories, the granddaddy of them all, the Nobel Peace Prize will be given out on Friday. Without any further ado, let’s have a look at the contenders from Paddy Power’s list of bettable candidates.


100/1 Bono

For unifying the world in the opinion that Bono is a self-righteous prig.

80/1 Facebook

“What’s cooler than the UNESCO Prize for Peace Education? The Nobel Peace Prize.” -Sean Parker, The Social Network 2: Networkin’ For The Weekend


66/1 Vladimir Putin

Regrettably, the Nobel Prize for Achievement in Terrible Gay Bashing and Iron-Fisted Dictatorship was proposed to Alfred Nobel, but he decided it made more sense to have a Medicine category instead.

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Give All The Awards To These People Who Found Obama Eating A Sandwich

The Greatest Sandwich Known to Man

The Greatest Sandwich Known to Man

So, the editors at the LA Times needed a story.

A big story.

A story that was going to restore America’s faith in an impartial press that is not beholden to corporate interests or pageviews, one that still has a hunger to speak truth to power and stand up for what’s right in the world.

A story that was going to change everything. That was going to cut through all the noise and get to the bottom of this government shutdown business.

And so when Kathleen Hennessey pitched her editors on an article titled “Obama, Biden run out for sandwiches, damage control,” they knew she had STRUCK GOLD.

But much the way Woodward needed Bernstein, the editors knew that one reporter was not going to be enough. So they assigned another writer, so Kathleen Hennessey and Christi Parsons could break this story together–presumably with Hennessey, who spent twelve years as the sandwich meats beat reporter for Pork Quarterly doing the sandwich-based reporting and Christi Parsons, upon whom the television series Scandal is based, handling the damage control aspect.

Needless to say, they had an all-star team. And as with a veal & caviar sandwich, top of the line ingredients lead to a delicious result.

First, the reporting duo managed to somehow track the whereabouts of the elusive President and Vice President of the United States, a fact they were rightfully proud of:

With nothing public on his schedule and an anonymous quote from an administration official to bat away, President Obama walked out of the White House with Vice President Joe Biden on Friday to pick up sandwiches and engage in a little damage control.

Despite the President’s attempt to discreetly get an unscheduled sandwich, they would not be denied. And Obama, once cornered by our intrepid duo, would distance himself from comments made by an anonymous official within the administration who said the White House was “winning” the shutdown. After what must have been a great deal of consternation, President Obama made the difficult decision and found the willpower to repudiate the claims made by this official who was anonymously undermining his administration’s goals.

But that’s not all. Our reporters not only analyzed this sandwich, but put it in the context of sandwiches past:

The president has turned to Taylor’s Philadelphia-style hoagies during tough times with Congress before. In May 2012, as he tried to win support for his economic proposals, the president fetched takeout from Taylor for a meeting of the top four congressional leaders.

It really puts it all in perspective. Sandwich grease really lubricates the gears of our democracy.

No word yet on what kind of sandwich President Obama and Vice President Biden got.


Obama ordered the “Race Street” sub (roasted turkey, prosciutto, pesto and mozzarella) and water, while Biden opted for the “9th Street Italian” (salami, capicola, prosciutto and provolone) and a lemonade.

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