Helpful Advice: An Advice Column is a column where you tell me your most deeply held secrets and I answer them for fun and profit. Feel free to send any inquiries to jordan.alan.carr “at” gmail.com. All your problems solved or your money back.

Dear Jordan,

For the past few weeks my husband Marty has been staying out late, giving no intimation as to where he’s been. He says he can’t tell me what he’s been up to because he recently “took stock of his life” and decided he needed more time for himself. It’s been very upsetting and I’m worried about the example he is setting for our 10-year-old son, from whom it is becoming increasingly difficult to hide this erratic behavior.

And yet, I still love him. He’s charming and sweet and a great father (most of the time). But it’s upsetting that he keeps this secret from me. I do trust him and want to believe that whatever he is hiding is harmless, but it’s harder to do that with each passing day. I’ve tried and tried to talk to Marty about it, but he just asks that I trust him and leave it be. I just want my husband back.

So, basically, what I’m asking is: in the face of all these problems, why is my instinct to ask a complete stranger to solve them for me in a public forum? Aren’t there some friends or family members I could speak to instead? Or is the very act of me writing to you a sign of something much more sinister happening to me?

Don’t get me wrong–I read every column you write and think your advice usually seems helpful. To be completely honest, I could find the answer to a problem fairly similar to mine in your archives. But I mean, on a purely logical level, I recognize that someone writing an advice column is not a purely disinterested observer. I know that you are paid to entertain. If you happen to help me with my problem in the service of writing an interesting column, that’s great, but I know that it’s much more important valuable to provide a cathartic moment for your readers than it is to provide a long-term solution for my problems.

And on that point, to what extent can you provide a long-term solution to my problems? I know you’re not going to follow up in six months to see how things are going with me and Marty. Maybe he’ll have left me, or maybe we’ll have seen a couples therapist and found a way to express ourselves more effectively. Maybe he’s been cheating on me this whole time, but I’ll forgive him, and end up feeling trapped because of our son, who I’ll resent and end up damaging much more than if we had gotten an amicable divorce.

Is this some sort of weird exhibitionism on my part? The details of my story are such that anyone who knows us well could easily figure out who we are. My husband’s name isn’t Marty, but it starts with an “M” and has two syllables. Do I want him to find this? If he did, I would expect that he’d view it as a pretty massive betrayal of our trust. Maybe I’m writing this because I want this relationship to explode and don’t have the strength to break it off myself. It’s certainly a possibility.

I should probably just insist on talking to my husband about this like a pair of adults rather than making a big spectacle of our marital troubles, shouldn’t I?

Signed,

Against Crass, Rude Or Negatively Yelled Messages

ACRONYM,

Yep.

-Jordan

Like, What If Someone Had Signed This!?!?!?!? I’d Be Rich

Inspired by the news that some guy bought a copy of Martin Luther King, Jr.’s Strength To Love that featured his signature on the inside cover, I thought it would be time to consider what would be the best place to find an autograph. (I should also note that this came from Reddit, so there’s like a 94% chance of it being a hoax of some kind–even the hoaxes are hoaxes over there.)

• I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, signed by Susan B. Anthony
• Picture of Martin Luther King, Jr. and Malcolm X meeting, signed by Tupac and Biggie Smalls
• Eat, Pray Love, signed by Charles Manson
• Monica Lewinsky’s blue dress, signed by Hillary Clinton
• Girls Season 1 DVD, signed by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
• Tim Tebow jersey, signed by George R.R. Martin
• A bag (pouch?) of Kraft Crumbles, signed by that dude from EMF
  
• America, signed by Buster Posey
• Crate filled with KFC Double Downs, signed by Michelle Obama
• Original copy of the Constitution, signed by King George III
• The bullet he shot that dude with, signed by Dick Cheney
• Shit My Dad Says, autographed by William Shakespeare
• Barack Obama birth certificate signed by Donald Trump
• Microsoft Zune, signed by Steve Jobs
• Tax rebate check, signed by Ayn Rand
• Pack of Pokémon cards, signed by Herman Cain
• An indulgence, signed by Pope Urban II

Anyway, the correct answer is probably a trillion dollar bill signed by God because that would prove the existence of God and then you’d have a trillion dollars.

It’s time to play BOLD PREDICTIONS, where my first prediction is that you can figure out how a game called BOLD PREDICTIONS works. Today’s topic: The final season of Mad Men.

A fun little known fact: Mad Men executive producer Matthew Weiner’s first choice for the show’s title was Dontourage, but HBO executives insisted he change it into something “less stupid.” After the two sides failed to come to an agreement, Weiner took his show to AMC, whose executives secretly retitled the show Mad Men and have worked tirelessly with the crew, actors, and media members to keep Weiner under the impression that his show is actually called Dontourage.

As many of you know, Mad Men will be returning to TV on Sunday. For those who don’t know, Mad Men is a show about some guy named Donald who makes commercials for beans and popsicles. And sometimes A British Guy gets an NCAA Tournament-caliber leg injury from improper usage of the John Deere CarpetTrimmer (TM).

For these reasons, Mad Men is regarded by many as the greatest show on television. Plus, people seem to like Donald guy’s strong chin and charmingly insouciant alcoholism.

But with the show coming back on Sunday, it’s time to re-learn what’s going on and make some Bold Predictions.

Donald “The Drapes of Wrath” Draper

Nicotine is like, #324 on his list of crippling addictions

• Cheats on his wife
• Still good looking
• Parts his hair on the right side, because it’s 1966, baby!
• Meets a sexy magician’s assistant while filming an ad, learns that she’s a a member of a weird group called The Manson Family
• After Pete snares the big Canadian flag redesign via a former Princeton chum named Hobbsie, everyone in the office prefers Ginsberg’s design of a sassy beaver with his arms crossed to Don’s shitty maple leaf, and a frustrated Don kicks Ginsberg in the balls
• Visits the Tour de France where he tells all his darkest secrets to a retired mime
• Murders someone but gets away with it (BUT WILL IT BE THE MIME WHO HE MURDERS?!??!)

Roger Sterling

• Dies his hair black
• Something involving penguins, maybe?
• Writes a screenplay that will later become the feature film Ghostbusters
• Takes a second job as an assistant to a local tailor
• Dies

Pete Campbell

• Finds an intriguing personal ad, answers it, only to find out it was placed by his wife
• Lands the big Canada account
• His cousin Daffy dies in a yachting accident
• Gets fat

Joan “Red” Harris

• Seduces a cocky young astronaut named Neil Armstrong
• Makes a fortune after she invents the mechanical pencil
• Briefly becomes caught up with a group of leftist environmentalists, leaves when she learns that all they really want to do is live on an organic farm
• Quits to teach a charm school, returns to SCDP after Bert Cooper agrees to give her a Rothko

Don’s Wife (You Don’t Remember Her Name Either. Something with an “M” I think. Mamie? Madeline? Melinda?)

• Has a lesbian experience with the co-star of her shampoo commercial
• Develops a fascination with Baltimore Bullets forward Gus “Honeycomb” Johnson, plastering his poster all over what had been a tastefully decorated apartment
• Reads Speed Racer in the original Japanese
• Develops agoraphobia

Peggy Olson

“Smoke Weed Everyday” -Peggy Olson

• Begins frequenting a local pool hall and hustling marks
• Gets acupuncture
• Gets an STD
• Goes to a few pro-war protests to impress her new boyfriend (Donald Glover)

“Wooooaaah Fat” Betty “Ramalam” Draper-Francis

• Has a heart attack while singing a seductive version of The Big Bopper’s “Chantilly Lace” for her husband
• A neighbor’s child drowns on her watch, causing her to reassess nothing
• Has a recurring dream of being chased by a monster through New York City until she is rescued by Ken Cosgrove

Sally Draper

• Sees Don naked
• Skips school to go on a trip to Katz’s Deli with her new Jewish friend; doesn’t see what the fuss is about
• Calls Don “Weekend Dad” after he forbids her to stay up and watch The Ed Sullivan Show
• Writes regular letters to Art Garfunkel

And now for the boldest, unlikeliest prediction of all…

• Overcomes her shoddy upbringing to become a well-adjusted, caring adult

Important Investigations is an ongoing Pulitzer-worthy series where I try to solve the big questions that befuddle even the sharpest mind. Today, we will talk about arguably the most serious problem facing America: a disturbing trend in the most popular baby names in the state of Alabama.

Today we’re tackling one of the big questions: Is it me, or are people getting worse at naming their children? Specifically, are people in Alabama getting worse at naming their children?

The answer may surprise you. (Or not. Because the answer is yes). And there are graphs to prove it. The horrifying naming trend in question is the abuse of the letter “Y.” As my shocking exposé uncovers, Alabamians have been slapping Y’s on any name they can find. More alarmingly, these Y’s are often gratuitously jammed into the middle of a name where they are entirely unnecessary. Now, there are some names where this makes sense: Cynthia, Lydia, Sylvie, and Taylor are all real names with real spellings. But I’m a little less generous in my assessment of Addyson.

And since I wanted to look into at the Gaëtan Dugas of this horrible naming epidemic, I had to go to the place where most of America’s problems originate: Alabama. (Note: I didn’t have to actually go to Alabama * knocks on wood *). I analyzed the last fifty years of Alabama names to try and figure out what the hell happened and put some data behind our hypothesis.

Jayden. Kayden. Cayden. Kaylee. Makayla. Jordyn. Kylee. Kyleigh. Katelyn. Ryleigh. Madelyn. Rylee. Addyson.

These were all among the top 100 names for girls or boys in Alabama in 2011. It’s a brave new world we’re living in, people, and nobody there can spell for shit.

Oh, it’s easy to laugh at Alabama, but if we don’t stop this, it’ll spread to the rest of us. Look at this chart and try not to tremble in fear:

In any case, I did what any real social scientist would do in this situation.

I made a bar graph.

We begin in 1960 because that’s how far back the Social Security Administration’s database goes and continue forward from there in five-year increments because, you know, we just do, ok. The number of “Interior Y’s” represent those names in the top 100 in Alabama with a Y that is neither the first nor the last letter (so Sydney, Cynthia, and sigh, Kaylee would count, but Mary and Yolanda wouldn’t). You’ll notice that while the number of names that include a Y is trending upwards, the numbers with Y’s in the middle–your Kaylas, Makaylas, Londyns and Jordyns–has increased at a dramatic rate since 2000 and shows no sign of slowing. This is a horrible disaster.

And if you prefer the drab colorlessness of Excel spreadsheets, here’s this. The Y peak and Interior Y peak represent the highest ranked name that has a Y anywhere in it and that has a Y other than the first or last letter respectively. Click to embiggen:

Those tables show how we went from Cynthia, Carolyn, Cheryll, Phyllis, Joyce, Gwendolyn and Marilyn in 1960–all names that are real names–to that mess in 2010 that includes such gems as Ashlyn, Brooklynn, Rylee and Kyleigh. Think about the thought process behind the name Kyleigh for one second. It’s like they wanted “Kylie,” (a real name!) and thought Kylee was too trashy, so they went for Kyleigh because silent letters are French. And fancy. And classy.

Maybe What She Was Not Impressed With Was Her Parents’ Child Naming

Long story short, the shitty pointless Y trend is very real, and much affecting Alabamians all over the world. Not to get all Father Martin Niemöller over here, but we must be vigilant. First they named people Carolyn… And I didn’t speak out because that’s a respectable name. Then they named people Jayla, and there was no one left with a real person’s name to see how dumb a name that is.

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO US?

I have no idea. Sorry.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

You should get ready for a wave of Kaylas coming through in a few years. Kayla was in the top 15 nationally from 1990-2000, and only in 2011 fell out of the top 50. Worse, when a name is completely made up, there isn’t really a “right” way to spell it, so there are near-infinite deviations from the original. There’s your McKaylas, Makaylas, Kylahs, Kylas, and (said as a karate sound) Kaiyas. It’s the Brittany/Brittney/Britney of the next generation.

WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP?

Load up on fertility pills, have tons of unprotected sex, with strangers if necessary, and when it comes time to pick your daughter’s name, just imagine a DJ saying, “And now dancing on stage 3, [INSERT NAME HERE]!!!” If your desired baby name seems like the natural conclusion to that sentence, then pick a different one.

But it’s not just stuff for perverts on sale at the totally legit-sounding Nate D. Sanders Fine Autographs and Memorabilia. People, Nate D. Sanders Fine Autographs and Memorabilia is the greatest website in the history of websites. Don’t believe me? Here’s a partial rundown of the magnificent purchasables.

Business Card of Fidel Castro, Havana Lawyer ($390)

At a certain point, every well connected businessman has to ask himself, “Am I building a rolodex, or am I fucking around here?” Well, if you’re not fucking around, how about adding a Cuban dictator to your contacts list? That’ll show Tony in Accounts Receivable.

Verdict: Buy immediately. Sell off all other possessions if necessary.

Allen Ginsberg Postcard ($100)

There’s also this 1981 letter from Allen Ginsberg, who wrote that poem about a gay wolf or something. Here’s his assessment of Eastern Europe:

Peter & I are back from couple months…Hungary-Austria-Switzerland-Germany-made little money but saw a lot – Red Lands not good, Hungary pretty dreary bureaucracy – I guess communism just doesn’t work.

So sry abt opprsive gov’ts. Bttr luck next time in re: having freedom.

VERDICT: Buy. Because your government allows you to.

Adolf Hitler’s (Presumably Anti-Semitic) Change of Address Form ($55,000 OBO)

I don’t know if I’d have this in my home if someone paid me $55,000. Seriously, who wants to own this? Do Nazis still have that kind of disposable income? Even if for some reason I wanted to own this, I’d feel very uneasy about putting money in the pocket of whoever owned this in the first place. Gross. Instead, invest the money in a time machine so you can go back in time and kill Hitler.

Verdict: Strong pass

Some Dude’s Oscar ($37,541)

Lewis R. Foster died about 40 years ago, so I’m not sure which of his shiftless relatives is selling this bad boy off, but the lucky buyer will not only be getting this statue with its solid Belgian marble base, but the seller notes the real valuable part of the asset: “Underside is lined with green felt.”

Verdict: Buy. Because it costs a lot more than that to buy one the traditional way.

Wynonna Judd’s Billboard Award ($1,000)

If you’re going to buy someone else’s award, shell out for the Oscar. You won’t regret it.

Verdict: Pass

Jessica Alba’s Soiled Coat ($121)

Apparently in 2008, Jessica Alba was in a movie called The Eye that evidently required her to dress like that reporter lady from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. In any case, I’m pretty sure that if you wanted to buy this coat at a store it would cost you more than $121, and yet the only thing wrong with this is the “Light soiling to the right pocket flap.” As such, the only reasonable conclusion is that this coat is less valuable for having been worn by Jessica Alba in a movie.

Verdict: Buy

Harmon Killebrew’s Cancelled Checks ($390)

I mean… there isn’t a lamer way to get someone’s autograph, is there?

Verdict: Pass

David Crosby’s Cape ($1,774)

When you buy David Crosby’s cape, you think you’ll wear it all the time: to dinner parties, to nights out on the town, even just lounging at home. But the truth is, it really it just sits in your closet.

Verdict: Pass

JFK Mistress Blaze Starr Letters ($500 and $500)

The problem with buying stuff from an ex-stripper is that well, they’re not necessarily the most reliable sources. Still, her claim that JFK told her (read this part in JFK voice for full effect) “If Fidel Castro had something like you, he would think more about making Love, and less about making war” is pretty fantastic.

Verdict: Buy

Franz Kafka’s Enveloping Envelope of Sadness ($16,000 OBO)

So, this item is listed as “Envelope Once Containing Letter to His Fiancee, Listing the Reasons Why He Could Not Marry Her,” which sounds exciting, but for the fact that it doesn’t contain that letter, just the envelope. What were his reasons? Fortunately, through extensive sleuthing, I found the whole list, and it’s a doozy.

• Life is meaningless

Oh, just the one, I guess.

Verdict: Pass

William McKinley’s Deathpaper ($148)

There’s a couple important things that are important and great about this paper: 1) that “McKinley” is abbreviated to “M’Kinley.” 2) that the entire page is devoted to like a dozen different stories, but they’re all about the assassination. And most importantly, 3) that one of the most important things the newspaper reports to a concerned nation in this harrowing time, is that M’Kinley DIED LIKE A MAN. What a boss. I can only assume that means he grimaced, made no deathbed speech, and refused both medical care and to show affection to loved ones.

Verdict: Buy

JFK’s Ticket to Some Thing He Would’ve Gone To If He Didn’t Get Shot ($148)

For sale
Texas Welcome Dinner Ticket
Never used

Verdict: Pass

But good news, there’s a whole other genre you might not have considered (you racist): ForeignerStuff. And in that genre, plots take entirely different directions, characters act in weird, nonsensical ways, and sometimes a guy who looks like Pau Gasol throws himself in front of a moving train. It can be hard to follow sometimes because often they don’t follow the conventions of American movies, which often have things like “characters,” “characters with names” and “a plot.” But fortunately, I’m hear to provide what I’ve learned so that you can figure out what the fuck is going on if you ever decide to watch any of these things.

South Korea

Barking Dogs Never Bite, 2000

The lesson: Seoul is a gigantic, depressing hellhole

Holy shit, look at the size of this chunk of an apartment building. There’s a person in it, running. Can you see him? Of course not because it all is just this enormous building forever and everything looks the same.

Lady Vengeance, 2005

Fact: South Korea has some weird interpretation of Christianity that involves dressing up as Santa Claus

When our hero, the kind-hearted Geum-Ja is released from prison, she is greeted by a Christian group, including those people. Also, someone gives her some symbolic tofu, which reminds me…

Fact: In South Korea, symbolic tofu symbolizes “living white,” or without sin

Geum-Ja takes a look at that symbolic tofu and throws it to the ground because THIS MOVIE IS JUST GETTING STARTED, PEOPLE.

Oldboy, 2003*

Fact: Maybe bland tofu meals are preferable to other, living stuff on Korean menus

The Host, 2006*

Fact: Koreans are irrationally afraid of viruses

And you thought I was out of things to say about South Korea. The premise of this movie is that a horrible amphibious mutant sea monster is on the loose, but the REAL PROBLEM is that everyone who comes into direct contact with it is infected with a virus.

The horrible sea monster is running around and eating people, and yet, the guy who made this movie was like “You know what would freak people out? If that unstoppable sea creature that is grabbing and eating everyone also gave people a bad fever.”

Mother, 2009

Fact: Old Koreans go on bus tours together and GET WILD (or used to, anyway)

Here’s what IMDB so eloquently says:

Dancing in the aisles of tour buses was commonly seen on Korean tour buses up to a few years ago. Now. with stricter rules and sharper fines, it’s not as common anymore.

Sharper fines! But Korean grandmas just wanna have fun :/

France

Point Blank, 2010

Fact: A male nurse is not inherently funny to French people

The only other movie I can think of with a male nurse is Meet The Parents, and ol’ Gaylord Focker is not the hero of an action movie. I’m stunned there hasn’t been a Kevin James/Rob Schneider movie about a male nurse yet. I feel like there’s some kind of mathematical proof demonstrating that, eventually the odds of one of them making a male nurse movie approaches 1. I think there might be something in Obamacare mandating it, even.

Austria

Funny Games, 1997*

Fact: Americans won’t abide by no subtitlin’

Michael Haneke made this movie twice–once in German in 1997 and again, in exactly the same way in English a decade later. Was he seeking some elusive perfection? Did he believe he could illuminate something new? Was he getting at some grander point about art, filmmaking, and how no two things are ever really the same? Nope. He just was unaware that Americans don’t go to the movies to read: “I just thought it was a shame that because it was in German it didn’t reach the audience that I had hoped for. And that’s why I remade it.” Cool?

Spain

Timecrimes, 2007*

Fact: Spanish people believe it is possible that Spain would be on the cutting edge of time travel technology

That’s cute, but you don’t invent a time machine by taking a four-hour siesta every day. Hilariously, this movie’s title does not rhyme in the original Spanish.

Norway

Headhunters, 2011*

Fact: Norwegians can be named Roger Brown

No elaboration necessary.

The Bothersome Man, 2006

Fact: There’s no difference between “a hell/purgatory-style dystopia” and “Norway”

I watched this movie, mostly thinking that I was one step ahead of the twist, “The main character’s dead!” I thought, “This is all some alternate universe! I called it!” But that wasn’t really so much “a twist” as “the entire premise of the movie.” Unfortunately Norway (but really Hell) didn’t really strike me as that much different from what I expected from Norway (but really Norway) where their most beloved television program is about firewood.

King of Devil’s Island, 2010

Fact: Norway is cold, terrible, will kill you

There’s a part in this movie where a character falls in some water, and rather than try to climb out, is just like, “Eh, I’ve lived fifteen good years. I guess I’m dead now.” And then he dies. And somehow I was supposed to view that place as being considerably better than the the very clean and well-furnished “hell” of The Bothersome Man. You’re too frustrating sometimes, Norway.

The lesson, as always: stay away from foreign countries because only bad things happen there. On the other hand: USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

(Asterisks for movies that have been or will be remade in English)

There are so many different ways that this video is appropriate for the occasion, that I can’t even begin to list them all here.

It’s PopeGate’13, people. All hands on deck. Good news, though, as my years of close study of the Vatican are finally going to pay off. Because I am here to answer all of your questions about the Benedict XVI resignation and will not be quitting because there is no way that my strength of body and mind “has deteriorated in me to the extent that I have had to recognize my incapacity to adequately fulfill the ministry entrusted to me.” I will fulfill my ministry, dammit.

So, what’s all this then?

Pope Benedict XVI announced his resignation earlier today. Or maybe either yesterday or tomorrow because he’s in Italy and time zones are confusing.

Oh, that’s too bad, I really liked him.

No, you’re thinking of John Paul II.

Are you sure?

Yeah. JPII was the one who rode around in a snow globe and had breakdancers brought for his own amusement.

Now that’s what I call Popin’ And Lockin’!!!!

I can’t tell if you’re mocking me.

It’s hard to determine tone from the written word.

True. Anyway, Benedict XVI is the one who looked like a more evil version of the Emperor from Star Wars. Don’t you have any more Pope questions? Preferably about Benedict XVI, his resignation, and so on?

Of course! Is a Pope resigning unusual in some way? I mean, yes, when an American politician resigns, it’s usually because they’ve been caught doing blow off a dead hooker. In the real world, people resign from jobs all the time.

Are you implying that the Vatican is somehow more a part of “the real world” than… anywhere?

No, I just mean, he’s 85-years-old and looks pretty frail.

Health concerns certainly are legitimate. But recent Popes proposed Papal plans to resign in the event of such things as incurable disease or capture by Nazis. Benedict XVI has made no mention of either of those events occurring. And nobody has actually resigned since 1415, when Gregory XII stepped aside to try to reunify the church under a single Pope.

Either way, in times like this where there is very limited information, the most logical thing to do is arbitrarily pick a side, fill in the facts so as to fit everything into one neat narrative. For the record, I’m going with the “The Butler Who Knew Too Much.” With “Papal Money Laundering Scheme” a close second.

I choose the “this is a noble act by an unfailingly honorable man.” But why didn’t Ben–is it alright if I call him Ben?

Pope Benedict XVI is better.

Perhaps I could call him by his birth name, provided it’s not something too sinister and villainous-sounding.

Joseph Ratzinger.

Hmmm. Why didn’t Ben just wait two years for the 700-year Anniversary.

That’s a dumb question.

Are there any other Papal Resignations to take note of? And is “Papal Resignation” an available name for my band? We dress like 1890s-era orphans and have a person whose only job is to play the triangle.

Are you here to comment on musical trends or help me illuminate this Pope situation? Anyway, the best known resignation was that of Celestine V, who, five months into his reign of Popeliness, declared that he could resign. And then did. And lived out the rest of his days as a hermit.

Good segue into my next question…so, what’s a Pope to do, now?

I guess spending more time with his family is out. So, uh, maybe he’ll hermit it up. Constantly micromanage the next Pope? Or maybe he has plans to run for re-election as Pope to become the first Pope ever to win re-election. Also, avoid responsibility for the whole child rape thing his Church has been enabling for decades and decades. And maybe writing letters to a newspaper and some gardening would be a good hobby. He’s basically a less snooty version of a Downton Abbey character at this point. For some reason, I’m pretty sure the Pope is really big into The Closer and has been meaning to get caught up on it.

Wait, that child rape thing… is there any chance that might have something to do with the first Papal resignation in nearly 700 years?

Naaaah… There’s nothing unusual about someone devoting their entire life to a specific organization, rising to that organization’s highest rank (which also makes you an international figure of immense importance and fame) and then quitting abruptly. Let’s move on.

At a little over seven years, this has to be one of the shorter papacies, yeah?

Well, probably. But there’s been at least 10 papacies that lasted less that forty days, including the terrifying looking Pope Marsellus II. Keep in mind that the Catholic Church is over a thousand, and predates things such as “non-leech-based medicine” and “humans living for more than than twenty five years.”

DOES POPE MARSELLUS II LOOK LIKE A BITCH?!?!?

Yikes. Is the Catholic Church in a better state than when Ben took over?

No.

Care to elaborate?

Well, the whole child rape thing is kinda a bad look for the church.

Fair enough. But some good must’ve came of his reign, yes?

Of course! In a reveal that must have been positively Maury-worthy, Benedict XVI declared that The Jews are not the killers of Jesus. So, that’s fun.

That’s a relief.

And how!

So, are there any recent Italian comedies about Pope-electing available for streaming on Netflix right now?

I sense by the specific nature of your question, you’re already aware of Habemus Papam. Here’s a very mixed review from Amazon:

To take my time and money and then not deliver any reason at all made this a very disappointing movie. On the other hand, it’s a pretty movie, lots of grampas in red robes bobbing and weaving around the Vatican.

Not to quibble, but I don’t think clergy are allowed to become grampas.

No, they are not.

So who’s going to be the next Pope then? It’s gotta be an African or a South American this time, right?

Well, that’s what everyone said last time and then they went and picked a former member of the Hitler Youth. So, you never can tell.

But who’s the favorite?

The betting public has settled on Cardinal Peter Turkson of Ghana at 3:1. Many view him as a papabile.

Papabile? You can’t just put that in there as if people know what it means?

It refers to a likely possible successor to the Pope. Literally, in English, “Popeable.”

That’s great. Anything that might get in Cardinal Turkson’s way?

Though some believe that at a spry 64 years old, he may be too young to get Popin’ just yet. On the other hand, the next favorite is some Canadian dude.

Yeah, that’s not happening.

I know, right? A Canadian Pope? I doubt it.

Any chance of an American winning?

Timothy Dolan, current Archbishop of New York.

Any black marks on his record?

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before, but he is believed to have gone for the “cover up everything” approach when dealing with a child rape scandal. But I mean, if we eliminate people who covered for child rapists, there’s hardly anyone to choose from. Maybe Bono.

That’s kinda a grim note to end on here, but I guess we can’t really talk about the Catholic Church these days without bringing up child rape.

And that’s why nobody is a particularly big fan of Pope Benedict XVI.

A member of a Japanese girl group shaved her head and issued a tearful apology for violating the group’s no-dating rule after she was seen leaving a boy’s apartment. In keeping with Japanese tradition, she will confine all further romantic relationships to sex robots and tentacled sea creatures.

Scientists say there is no cause for panic as a large asteroid is scheduled to harmlessly fly by earth. After hearing of yet another false alarm, a disgruntled Steven Tyler threw down his microphone in disgust and declared he was now willing to Miss A Thing.

A recent study showed that young adults commonly get back together with their exes–meaning the next decade of Taylor Swift songs are going to be really repetitive.

It was revealed that four step-grandchildren of former Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels are billionaires. The grandchildren have remained private out of concerns over negative publicity, noting that the gene for using pure evil to manipulate public opinion skips two generations.

A couple of college students have invented a new Facebook app, which is designed to facilitate anonymous hookups among Facebook friends. The app is said to be an improvement over the previous way to hook up over the internet with nobody finding out: MySpace.

An atheist teenager in Rhode Island says several local florists refused to send flowers that had been ordered for her. The florists say they’ve already sent the flowers, but the teenager insists they haven’t. To which the florists replied that the teenager is just going through a phase, and when she grows up and has children of her own, she’ll understand she doesn’t know everything, now go to your room.

The remains of King Richard III were found under a parking lot in England. Richard was believed to have been a fierce warrior, skilled military commander, and amazing parallel parker.

Dell Computers is going private after global technology investment firm Silver Lake combined with Dell founder Michael Dell and Microsoft to come up with the $24.4 billion to buy up all the outstanding shares, narrowly outbidding the Dude You’re Getting A Dell Guy’s offer of $33, a beanbag chair, and movie rights to his life story, tentatively titled Dell Hath No Fury.

I thought I was getting Adele :/

Jon Favreau, Barack Obama’s head speechwriter is leaving his job. Said Obama, “Jon Favreau make good words me talk speech America, Bald Eagles, freedom, clean coal.”

A study suggests that neanderthals went extinct much earlier than previously believed. Some people are skeptical of this study, noting that Vin Diesel will be appearing in a sixth Fast & Furious movie.

QUARTERBACKS

In an extremely controversial decision, 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh replaced starter Alex Smith with Colin Kaepernick in the middle of the season despite Smith having a 6-2 record as a starter and having led the team to the NFC Championship last year. More importantly, Kaepernick accomplished both of my childhood dreams: playing quarterback for the 49ers in the Super Bowl and owning a goddamn turtle (requisite “I Like Turtles” link here). Here is a photo diary of Sammy the Turtle:

As you can see, Little Kap, Little Turtle. But turtles live to be old (see: this turtle that lived to be 188), and grow big. Let’s check back in a few years later.

That thing is enormous. How is he holding it up? I wish just one of the million media puff pieces on Kaepernick implied that he got strong by carrying his turtle around, thus sparking a series of turtle-based training regimens such as TurtleWeight, CrossTurtle, and TurtleFactorX. Say, are there any pictures of that turtle re-enacting a scene from Breaking Bad? Of course there are!

On the other hand, the Ravens are helmed by Joe Flacco. a suave Baltimore-area pizza salesman:

EDGE: 49ers

BACKUP QUARTERBACKS

Why bother with the backup QBs? Let’s talk about Mr. Alex Smith. He seems like he’s having fun at the Super Bowl!

Woooooo! I don’t think there are any more unreasonable expectations than the ones put on him: he’s supposed to watch someone steal his job, do it better than him, and act like he’s happy about this development. As you can see, he’s not doing so great on the last point. Anyway, Alex Smith’s career is pretty much unparalleled. He went from being an enormous bust as a first overall pick to a starter that took a talented team to the NFC Championship to Sad Man in Headphones.

The Ravens’ backup is Tyrod Taylor, who is most notable for having a name and playing style that is similar to Voodoo Tatum.

EDGE: RAVENS

WEIRD NON-FOOTBALL STORY

It has to be 49ers’ former disaster of a draft pick, Kwame “It’s One Syllable, Bitch” Harris being arrested at my favorite restaurant of all time, Menlo Park’s Su Hong for beating up his ex-boyfriend after an argument started when the ex-boyfriend put soy sauce on the rice and continued with an accusation of underwear theft. So, big thumbs down to Kwame on finding the worst and most ridiculous way to come out publicly. But on the other hand–putting soy sauce on rice totally ruins it–what you do is get an order of Szechuan Prawns and pour the sauce from that onto your rice–so he was in the right on that point.

EDGE: 49ers

RUNNING BACKS

The 49ers have Frank “The Inconvenient Truth” Gore. He evidently scored a 6 out of 50 on the Wonderlic intelligence test that they give to prospective NFL picks. That is not a good score, you guys. But the good news is that the Wonderlic is pretty much unrelated to footballin’.

The Ravens have “Eat” Ray “Love” Rice. Here’s a fun game: guess what Ray Rice’s full first name is. Take all the time you need. Raymond? Just plain ol’ Ray? Raymundo? Rayven? Raybert? Nope! It’s Raymell.

EDGE: 49ers

DEFENSIVE LINE/LINEBACKERS

The 49ers have Patrick Willis and NaVorro Bowman, who are pretty much unstoppable tackling machines as well as Sackmaster General Aldon Smith and his white brother, Justin Smith. Also, defensive tackle Isaac Sopoaga did 42 bench press reps of 225 pounds at the NFL Pre-Draft Combine in 2004. To put that in perspective, I don’t need to put that in perspective–it’s bench pressing 225 pounds 42 times; you should understand how difficult that is.

The Ravens have some dudes including longtime Tom Brady antagonist and cautionary tale about what happens when you don’t floss, Terrell Suggs.

Good lord those gums are terrifying. If he were a movie, he’d be Gummo, written and directed by Harmony Korine. Speaking of which, Suggs apparently wrote this horrible-looking movie that features Jackée.

I guess we have to discuss Ray Lewis. I’m already sick of Ray Lewis, so we don’t have to talk about him any more, except to quote Ray’s entirely reasonable reaction to L’Affaire Bambi, a recent story that he was illegally using deer antler spray to enhance his performance:

Don’t let people from the outside ever try to disturb what’s inside.’ That’s the trick of the devil. The trick of the devil is to kill, steal and destroy. That’s what he comes to do. He comes to distract you from everything you’re trying to do

I feel like it’s probably fair to say that fairly incontrovertible documentation about cheating is not a trick of the devil, but whatever, what do I know. Either way, he didn’t see nothin’ and he didn’t kill no motherfuckin’ lion.

EDGE: 49ers

COACHING

I’ve heard a rumor that the coaches in this game are brothers. I’ll do some investigating, a little snooping around and see if I can confirm it.

EDGE: NONE

SECONDARY

We can all look forward to Chris Culliver’s apology for saying some homophobic things, but in lighter news, here’s Donte Whitner and Patrick Willis looking festive.

The Ravens on the other hand, have future Hall of Famer and grizzled old man Ed Reed, who shows his softer side here with a rendition of “Silent Night” as people shout at him.

EDGE: RAVENS

RECEIVERS/TIGHT ENDS

Let’s just talk about Randy Moss, ok? He is important for a lot of reasons, some of which having to do with being, you know, awesome at football. I need another video of Randy Moss talking about getting fined in part because I love listening to his ridiculous hillbilly voice. Does anyone else in the world have that accent?

Also, never forget the time he got Joe Buck’s knickers in a twist. That’s worth something.

Weirdly, both teams rely on players from the University of Maryland–the Ravens with wide receiver and first pitch thrower out Torrey Smith and the 49ers with chocolate popcorn aficionado and interior decorator/tight end Vernon Davis.

EDGE: 49ers

OFFENSIVE LINE

Only one of these people has inspired the Onion headline “Ravens Coach Shows Movie About Michael Oher to Inspire Michael Oher” so, that’s a decided edge to the Ravens. I don’t really have much else in this category because offensive linemen are inherently and intentionally uninteresting. Sorry.

EDGE: RAVENS

BREAKING NEWS: IT IS CONFIRMED THAT THE COACHES ARE BROTHERS. BACK TO REGULARLY SCHEDULED BLOG POST.

SPECIALISTS

David Akers is going to make three 55+ yard field goals in this game, just ’cause.

EDGE: 49ers

CITY COMPARISON

Not Scared Of You, Baltimore

One of these cities has a thriving tech industry that’s on the cutting edge of modern technology. The other one has a bunch of seaports and is full of people still living in The Wire times. While that might lead you to believe that Baltimore is the tougher of the two cities, the fact that it is named after Cecilius Calvert, 2nd Baron Baltimore makes it soft.

EDGE: 49ers

FOOTBALL

The 49ers are better at it.

EDGE: 49ers

In an exciting innovation, The Washington Post, our nation’s leading repository of sad articles about John Wall, has decided they’re going to introduce something exciting and entirely new to their news coverage: facts.

Today, The Washington Post introduces a new prototype, The Truth Teller, that does live, automated fact checking of a political speech.

Building off the technology that gave us Zooey Deschanel asking what the weather was like AS SHE LOOKED OUT A WINDOW, The Truth Teller is off to a good start! Here’s one correction in its evaluation of Rep. Gerald Connolly’s (D-VA) speech:

Now, sure, in the guy’s speech, it seems like he clearly says “The Recovery Act, which I proudly supported, cut taxes for ninety five percent of all Americans.” And sure, if that’s what he said, then that claim is the exact thing the Truth Teller is saying. But I’m just a human with a soft heart who hears what he wants to hear. For example, I want to hear sentences with coherent prepositional phrases and adverbs that relate to the rest of the words around them. But The Truth Teller cuts through the spin and gets right to the nougat-filled fact center so quickly that you don’t even realize how little sense this metaphor makes.

This is big news people–now, we can finally know if the things our Congressmen say are true. For example:

when that tax cut expired among republicans refused to expended I was again pravda president obama to enact the payroll tax cut averaging thousand-dollars pro-family

Finally, proof of what I’ve been saying for years: Rep. Gerald Connolly (D-VA) is some sort of pro-tax werewolf, who, when tax cuts expire, turns into Pravda President Obama, a double agent working on behalf of the Soviet newspaper/propaganda organ, Pravda. I wish it weren’t true.

Also, his head is pretty doughy and his hands stay white

This may come as a surprise, but I read it on The Truth Teller, and there was no correction, so I have to assume it’s true. But the shocking revelations don’t stop there.

infrastructure investment don’t just create jobs they also repair dangerous bridges, bridges and make our roadway safer gilded schools to overcrowding they renovate hospitals and water treatment plants

Now, I’ve tried to take President Obama at his word when he says he’s serious on balancing our budgets and getting the economy back on track. And I think education is how make kids make smarter future. But I’m sorry, and I don’t care if this ruffles some feathers, but gilding schools is not a good use of government money. Unless “safer gilded schools” means having armed guards at the Auric Goldfinger Academy of Villainy and Henchmannery, in which case, I’m all for it.

Now, to be fair, The Truth Teller is still in prototype mode, and I’m sure by the time they roll it out, they’ll have managed to fix their voice recognition software. Small details. At least the text is arranged in an easy to read, aesthetically pleasing, unpunctuated wall of text. Just admire the shape of this thing.

Figure we look at this we should ask what would ronald reagan When he took office in nineteen eighty one present regan inherited an economy deep recession during the past three years we’ve heard a number of law the accomplishments of ronald reagan spring economic recovery during that decade as they often point out president reagan cut taxes of president obama the recovery act which I probably supported cut taxes but ninety five percent of all americans averaging four hundred-dollars for individuals and eight hundred-dollars families when that tax cut expired among republicans refused to expended I was again pravda president obama to enact the payroll tax cut averaging thousand-dollars pro-family tax cuts alone do not make a robust recovery the other notable thing while did was to preside over nation with a sharp increase in public-sector employment from local state and federal levels because well today’s republicans may try to argue otherwise teaching jobs firefighters have jobs police jobs jobs in fact three of the last for economic recoveries had one thing in common public-sector employment increased? Two-and-a-half years into the recovery from two thousand and one total public-sector employment was one percent higher two-and-a-half years into the recovery from the nineteen eighty recession total public-sector was three percent higher and two-and-a-half years into the from the nineteen eighty recession total public-sector employment other ronald reagan was almost three-and-a-half percent higher than it was at the start of the recovery in contrast today’s recovering from the recent seen total public-sector decreased by two-point-five percent largely because the republicans got their way in trying to shrink the public-sector real jobs are lost had public-sector employment merely held steady over the last two-and-a-half years today would be seven point eight percent not eight-point but instead with lost six hundred thousand public-sector jobs teachers police officers firefighters librarians and other dedicated public servants. robust economic recovery you think today’s your problems would be looking at how the nation worked its way out of previous recessions but obviously that’s not the case last september president obama for the american jobs act proposal to cut taxes on workers and businesses when son-in-laws hiring and it’s fun necessary infrastructure improvements economist predicted the american jobs act would have added up to one million new jobs ashford GDP growth extra one-point-five percent these about the have traditionally bi-partisan support, for example, one of the single largest infrastructure projects ever was under the creation all president dwight D eisenhower the interstate highway program in nineteen eighty two while he was still working toward economic recovery ronald reagan proposed a highway and bridge repair program to create jobs. In the public-sector but sadly republican opposition is get the american jobs act from even coming to the floor provoke many republicans decried the use of additional revenue to help onset any increase in national that apparently they forgot that when faced with rising deficits ronald reagan look to revenue increases the tax base closing loopholes and raising taxes yes he raised taxes in nineteen eighty two nineteen eighty four nineteen eighty five nineteen eighty six and nineteen eighty seven it’s unfortunate that today’s lost sight of the value of investing in america in a fiscally responsible manner because the nation’s construction industry and the hardest hit america lost more than two million construction jobs in the reception and I and two thousand seven infrastructure investment don’t just create jobs they also repair dangerous bridges, bridges and make our roadway safer gilded schools to overcrowding they renovate hospitals and water treatment plants as part of the recovery act we enacted the build america program that leverage form billion dollars in federal funds a two hundred and eighty one billion in private-sector funding more than two thousand projects and every statement country I introduced a bill to extend the successful program because every unmet needs and our communities millions construction workers awaiting the opportunity to return to work and communities that would benefit from the projects we haven’t even had a hearing on that they’ll speaker dwight eisenhower did not subscribe to the current republican monstrous that investing in america we while reagan do not sure the current republican dictum the german ones country public services somehow unless the noble endeavour and the way to prosperity is to devastating the public-sector congressman’s back to ensure long-term disability fiscal responsibility but it should not come at the expense of millions of americans struggling to get back to work as we contemplate our economic policies we really should asks what would ronald reagan do

I mean, if that’s the only way to hear it, then I can’t handle the truth.

The great thing about a computer program that determines the exact truth levels of any speech is that it allows everyone to avoid confrontation; reporters don’t have to correct politicians’ lies as they are happening. Now, you might think that real time corrections are meaningless if they’re on a website nobody visits. And ok, fine. But honestly, what choice do we have? Trust our journalists to know their facts well enough to hold sources accountable? Might I suggest a gander at this picture featuring from left to right, CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, Desperate Housewives‘ Dana Delany, and Conan O’Brien’s sidekick Andy Richter.

Journalism once meant doing hours and hours of research, tracking down unwilling sources, having a responsibility to know your subject inside and out, and finally being able to confront powerful figures when they attempted to dissemble or mislead–now, there’s an app for that.