Category Archives: Media Criticism

Fox News Writes The Most Pointless Article Ever Written

Hatee-hatee-hatee-ho, indeed.

We’ve all heard about the Obamacare delays by now. But Fox News has continued their important research and found the most insidious Obamacare scandal of all: a frightening lack of celebrity YouTube videos in support of it.

In the heady days after the October 1 launch of the Affordable Care Act — better known as ObamaCare — Lady Gaga, Amy Poehler, Nina Dobrev, Rosario Dawson, Sarah Silverman, Olivia Wilde, Alicia Keys, Jennifer Hudson, Pearl Jam, Lance Bass, John Legend, Alyssa Milano and Kerry Washington joined the President to encourage Americans to #getcovered.

Ah yes, the heady days of three weeks ago. Let’s open the time capsule of earlier this month, shall we? Miley Cyrus (remember her?!) had the number one song in the country and something called Gravity was the number one movie in theaters–today it’s only shown in obscure art house theatres where people can recreate their childhood memories in dank, empty rooms.

Since then, technical glitches and website snafus have so marred the ObamaCare website that the team who built it has been called to testify before Congress on Thursday. But there will be no celebrities flanking them on Capitol Hill, as the stars that helped launch the initiative are now being advised to walk away.

Had Obamacare’s launch gone smoothly, there’s no reason to think that Lance Bass wouldn’t have been called to testify before Congress as a public health expert. Instead, glitches, and not a peep from NSYNC, MD.
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Give All The Awards To These People Who Found Obama Eating A Sandwich

The Greatest Sandwich Known to Man

The Greatest Sandwich Known to Man

So, the editors at the LA Times needed a story.

A big story.

A story that was going to restore America’s faith in an impartial press that is not beholden to corporate interests or pageviews, one that still has a hunger to speak truth to power and stand up for what’s right in the world.

A story that was going to change everything. That was going to cut through all the noise and get to the bottom of this government shutdown business.

And so when Kathleen Hennessey pitched her editors on an article titled “Obama, Biden run out for sandwiches, damage control,” they knew she had STRUCK GOLD.

But much the way Woodward needed Bernstein, the editors knew that one reporter was not going to be enough. So they assigned another writer, so Kathleen Hennessey and Christi Parsons could break this story together–presumably with Hennessey, who spent twelve years as the sandwich meats beat reporter for Pork Quarterly doing the sandwich-based reporting and Christi Parsons, upon whom the television series Scandal is based, handling the damage control aspect.

Needless to say, they had an all-star team. And as with a veal & caviar sandwich, top of the line ingredients lead to a delicious result.

First, the reporting duo managed to somehow track the whereabouts of the elusive President and Vice President of the United States, a fact they were rightfully proud of:

With nothing public on his schedule and an anonymous quote from an administration official to bat away, President Obama walked out of the White House with Vice President Joe Biden on Friday to pick up sandwiches and engage in a little damage control.

Despite the President’s attempt to discreetly get an unscheduled sandwich, they would not be denied. And Obama, once cornered by our intrepid duo, would distance himself from comments made by an anonymous official within the administration who said the White House was “winning” the shutdown. After what must have been a great deal of consternation, President Obama made the difficult decision and found the willpower to repudiate the claims made by this official who was anonymously undermining his administration’s goals.

But that’s not all. Our reporters not only analyzed this sandwich, but put it in the context of sandwiches past:

The president has turned to Taylor’s Philadelphia-style hoagies during tough times with Congress before. In May 2012, as he tried to win support for his economic proposals, the president fetched takeout from Taylor for a meeting of the top four congressional leaders.

It really puts it all in perspective. Sandwich grease really lubricates the gears of our democracy.

No word yet on what kind of sandwich President Obama and Vice President Biden got.

UPDATE:

Obama ordered the “Race Street” sub (roasted turkey, prosciutto, pesto and mozzarella) and water, while Biden opted for the “9th Street Italian” (salami, capicola, prosciutto and provolone) and a lemonade.

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Entire Generation Chooses to Die Alone, Says NY Times

Sk8er Boi

Modern Dating

Good news, gang, New York Times has dispatched its team of world-class anthropologists to… I’m not sure where exactly–a bar in Philadelphia? In any case, you might be surprised to learn that young (and since our first subject is 30-years-old, I’m using the word “young” liberally here) people don’t go on formal dates with their schoolmates, then save themselves for the third date, then “go off to camp” during the summer and leave the shame baby to be raised by their parents with nobody the wiser, Bobby Darin/Jack Nicholson-style. Such, such were the joys of a rigid and formal dating system.

I should back up for a second here. The article I am talking about is this thing. It begins:

MAYBE it was because they had met on OkCupid. But when the dark-eyed musician with artfully disheveled hair asked Shani Silver, a social media and blog manager in Philadelphia, out on a “date” Friday night, she was expecting at least a drink, one on one.

“At 10 p.m., I hadn’t heard from him,” said Ms. Silver, 30, who wore her favorite skinny black jeans. Finally, at 10:30, he sent a text message. “Hey, I’m at Pub & Kitchen, want to meet up for a drink or whatever?” he wrote, before adding, “I’m here with a bunch of friends from college.”

The great tragedy here is that unlike in past generations when musicians were well-known for their punctuality and unquestioning adherence to social mores, this artfully disheveled hellhound misused the word “date.” Sid Vicious would be ashamed.

Turned off, she fired back a text message, politely declining. But in retrospect, she might have adjusted her expectations. “The word ‘date’ should almost be stricken from the dictionary,” Ms. Silver said. “Dating culture has evolved to a cycle of text messages, each one requiring the code-breaking skills of a cold war spy to interpret.”

Oooh, good use of the action verb “fired”! In any event, I can’t really dispute the notion that blind dates (which online dates effectively are) are much more risky in terms of expectations than other kinds of dates, assuming that Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe were not the last two people to ever go on a date as this article sorta implies.

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I Like Tim Tebow. So Does Everyone Else. Can We Move on Yet?

What if Tebow Were One Of Us?

Breaking news, guys, apparently people in Florida really like Tim Tebow. He registers an approval rating of 59%, higher than any political figure. This is unsurprising. He plays football, and as far as Florida cares, he’s done playing football and he was a part of two national championships. Beyond that, he kinda redefines the term Nice Young Man.

I mean, yes, he’s super Christian. And yes, he was in that sorta anti-abortion ad in the Super Bowl. But, you know, lots of people have those opinions, so good for him that he’s willing to stand by them and accept that he will be judged publicly by the rather unforgiving standards that come with it.

As such, even among those who identify as “very liberal,” Tebow’s approval rating is 30%, and his disapproval rating is… also 30%. No group actively dislikes the dude.

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Sexiest Man Controvery Embroils America (Plus A Historical Retrospective on People’s BEST COVERS EVAR)

So, it’s come to this. People Magazine, the guardians of modern journalism who brought you stories of international importance such as “Dakota Fanning learns to do Laundry,” “Inside Zoe Saldana’s Pre-Breakup Family Dinner” and really, everything that falls under the aegis of their website celebritybabies.people.com, has named their World’s Sexiest Man.

And for twentieth year in a row, it’s Nick Nolte! Congratulations again, Nick! (My sources on this somehow turned out to be incorrect. We regret the error.)

No, the World’s Sexiest People’s Sexiest Sexyman of the Sexy Year is Bradley Cooper. I know what you’re thinking–I’ve already read nearly 100 words, get to the fucking point-so I will. This choice, while seemingly a generic selection of a good-looking white actor who does the kind of boring and awful movie that the humans who read People go see in droves, is a controversial one.

Why? Because Ryan Gosling wuz robbed, that’s why! Let’s go over Ryan Gosling’s resume:

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An Entirely Uninformed Opinion on Art

For those of you who know me, you know that there’s one thing I follow with extreme interest: the art world. How I love it so. I don’t find its valuations of things to arbitrary or insanely overpriced or anything like that at all.

(JUST KIDDING. I ABSOLUTELY THINK THAT LAST THING!)

And so, it is with great interest that I point out the above painting by noted guy who just made Rex Morgan, M.D.-caliber arts, Roy Lichtenstein sold for a staggering $43.2 million. In fairness, it was only $38.5 million before tax, which is much, much more reasonable. Oh, by the way, this painting was originally purchased for $2.1 million in 1988. Somehow this painting–which I don’t think has done anything besides avoid picking up a mustard stain in the intervening 23 years–is twenty times more valuable than it was then.

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An Annotated Guide to a Terrible Article about the NBA Lockout

I read this article on CBS Sports about the NBA lockout. It was awful, but I thought I’d share it with you anyway. It begins like this:

This was David Stern at his best, the smartest guy in the room — just ask him — running the game with an audience of millions. This is why Stern makes whatever salary he makes, because he told the owners he would deliver for them and it was time to make good on that promise.

Ok. This is only the beginning. I’m sure at some point he’ll provide evidence of Stern’s virtuosity.

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Nancy Grace is the Worst

Oh, Nancy Grace, you shouldn’t have.

I believe that while Amanda Knox did not wield the knife herself, I think that she was there, with her boyfriend, and that he did the deed, and that she egged him on. That’s what I think happened…

If you’re unfamiliar with Nancy Grace, making overblown comments that presume guilt without evidence that this is kinda her thing. Here she is, on Larry King Live, talking about Richard Ricci, who she had wrongly accused of the Elizabeth Smart kidnapping:

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When Comparing Obama to Hitler Goes Wrong (It Always Goes Wrong)

You ever have to talk about something you don’t know very much about on TV? I haven’t, but I bet it’s pretty hard. People are always trying to lead you into saying things that you don’t want to say that you don’t realize were stupid until it’s too late. It happens all the time. Hank Williams comparing Obama to Hitler was not one of these times. The question that inspired that comparison was, “Who do you like in the GOP race?”

I don’t think anyone should compare Obama to Hitler. Ever. Even if somehow you have the perfect analogy (like if he covered the White House in Bocklins or something) It’s pretty inappropriate on a number of levels, most notably: Hitler was a racist, genocidal maniac who was responsible for millions of deaths, while Barack Obama has signed some legislation that people don’t like.

Although, if we’re going to pick nits, perhaps the reason “That’d be like Hitler playing golf with Netanyahu” is offensive is because Hitler died four years before Netanyahu was born? And if there’s anything we learned from Ashton Kutcher’s classic film, The Butterfly Effect, it’s that time travel is evil and ruins everything. Maybe he’s just warning us against it. Probably not though. What is it with people named Hank and Hitler stuff?

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A Farewell Message for Andy Rooney

“I don’t know why this is, and I don’t understand it.” – The beginning of Andy Rooney’s Sept. 4 rant.

You ever wonder why CBS lets an old curmudgeon rant on one of their most highly rated shows? I do. It seems these days that everyone and their uncle can flip on a TV, set it to CBS–if they can figure out how. Used to be you could turn on a TV and CBS was the only channel. Nowadays, there’s a channel for everything: Music Television for music, The Learning Channel for Learning, Lifetime for Women. I don’t know how anyone figures it out. But on CBS, you can still see some old grump by the name of Andy Rooney grumbling about car gadgets or what a Lady Gaga is, or how fun it is to be the Pope. I wonder how he does it.

I didn’t realize that TV Guide ranked 60 Minutes as its 6th greatest show. My mother didn’t subscribe to TV Guide when I was a kid.

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