Whenever one faces a difficult decision in life, a pros and cons list usually has the answer. And whether or not listing reasons why and reasons why not is a good idea, it does give me the opportunity to shoehorn in this really important clip of Keith Jackson quitting halfway through a promo for Emily’s Reasons Why Not in the 2005 BCS National Championship game that I spent about a half hour trying to find.
Here’s the reasons to suspect that LSU is going to pull this one out, or more accurately that Bama is going to lose. Because you know, hate hate hate.
Bama is going to lose this game because:
- They know that they have to win one for the soon-to-be-extinct wild tiger.
- Bama is still smarting from Nick Saban passive-aggressively responding to the really nice gift they all pitched in on for his 60th birthday.
- Oh yeah, remember Bobby Jindal?
- While LSU may have produced JaMarcus Russell, he appears to be an Alabama fan. Bad vibes, man.
- Even if they win this stupid game, that one jerk is going to keep putting Boise State as his number one team, so what’s the point?
- LSU’s team trip to see Knuffle Bunny: A Cautionary Musical taught them that under extraordinary circumstances, people can do extraordinary things.
- At least nobody has gone on TV and compared Obama to Hitler in an LSU hat. Yet.
- Confused Bama fans will hear about an team trying to stay undefeated and keep its national title hopes alive and accidentally buy tickets to UAB-Houston.
LSU is going to lose because:
- LSU’s players are going to fake injuries to stay in Baton Rouge where a new Chick-fil-a and eight (count ‘em, eight!) new Pizza Huts are opening.
- Their plan to kill off the LSU players’ grandparents is slowly springing into action.
- Louisiana’s medical professionals dress like Jack Nicholson’s rendition of the Joker crossed with a Magic Eye.
- Wikipedia currently calls this series the Saban Bowl. Not just this game, the whole series. That speaks of an inferiority complex.
- They produced JaMarcus Russell.
- They’ll read former LSU basketball coach Dale Brown’s 160-page book Getting over the 4 Hurdles of Life and be so motivated by it that they win by so many points that the game is ruled a forfeit in Alabama’s favor on account of bad sportsmanship.
- Alabama has a markedly better football team and LSU’s early-season victories over the likes of West Virginia and Mississippi State are no longer as impressive as they seemed at the time.
- LSU’s players become despondent when they learn that all that this game will decide is a trip to the national championship, not as they had hoped, another painting.
- Half the team was evicted from their homes in the trendy sewage water district.
- They realized Bama’s chant is more fun than their chant, which is really just awful.
So there you have it, 10 reasons LSU will lose and 8 that Bama will lose. Therefore, the only logical conclusion is that Alabama will win this game 10-8. That seems about right—three field goals to five safeties. Sounds like it’s going to be one of the ten best Game of the Century games ever. Roll Tigers, Geaux Tide and have a good time.